I was just curious if you thought any more or if you made a decision regarding your idea to fly down to see your wife if you are offered the new job? I posted a response to your question last week, but never heard back from you.<P>Keep me posted.<P>I got an email from my W today just asking how everything was going and if I had a good weekend. It wasn't much, but I always enjoy hearing from her without my prompting, especially since it doesn't happen that often. <P>------------------<BR>JH93

Jayhawk,<P>Thanks for following up. Still debating the issue. Whatever I decide, I want/need to decide on the job first. That has to be MY decision and I can not let her words/actions sway me in either direction. Once I decide on the job, then I need to see how I will tell her. The angry little kid in me keeps saying "don't tell her at all! - Let her start calling the house or stop by to see that you are not there and haven't been there in a while" But the adult in me keeps leading me back to going to see her. Maybe not with a ring or anything like that, maybe to just tell her face-to-face what I am going to do and to let her know that I would still like her in my life. We'll see.<P>Interesting event happened on Sunday. My sister is a teacher and there is a woman (30yrs old) who works with her that is also going through separation/divorce. My sister told her about me a few weeks back and this woman keeps asking to meet me. Well on Sunday the teachers had a little party at a local bar. I went and met this woman. She was cute, but there was "nothing" there - no spark. There were also a few other nice looking single women there, but I can't describe it - A month or two ago I would have been having all kinds of thoughts going through my head (phone numbers, dating, etc..), but that day I was just happy to meet some new people and spend some time with them.<P>It finally "hit me" when we were getting ready to leave. The separated woman had a couple drinks and was now leaving with some guy she met. Then I reached the conclusion that unlike her, I don't NEED anyone right now in my life. <P>Kidding around a couple weeks ago, we mentioned this being the "fall/winter of xxx". I think Sunday that finally sunk in.<P>I still feel strong enough to give my wife some time. And I now feel that I don't need to be looking for someone else to start dating. I had a great time just talking and meeting some new people. No pressure - no nothing. Just enjoying the day (And my REDSKINS won!).<P>

I’m glad to hear that you are thinking things over and waiting to decide on the job first. I wish you luck with both decisions as these opportunities come your way. I wish I was in a position where renewing our vows was an option, but I’ve accepted that it isn’t going to happen. Maybe I’ve just given up?<P>I’m like you (again) where I decide on Monday that she is out of my life and I am getting past this to Wednesday where I am again missing here tremendously and just praying that she calls. One of these days I am expecting this ‘gap’ in time to expand from 2 days to 5 or 7, then to a few weeks, then to a month or so. Hopefully by then I’ll really be able to see how my life is going to be better without this marriage.<P>I have a friend who is in a very odd situation which has given me a ray of hope. She is about our age, divorced and has a daughter. She and her husband were married for a few years, divorced for a few months and then started dating one another again. They have now been living together for the past 7 years and never remarried. They really have no intent to remarry either. They have a better relationship now then ever before and except for the piece of paper saying they are divorced, you’d think they were still a happily married couple. Again the saying, divorce is only a piece of paper. As far as their daughter is concerned, her parents are married and always have been.<P>I don’t think there is anything wrong just being out with friends and meeting new people. While out with some friends the other night I spent quite a bit of time talking with a woman I met, then spent the rest of the evening with my friends. One of the guys gave me a hard time because I didn’t leave with the woman. My intent was to go out and have a good time, not to hook-up. Why is that some people, men especially, seem to assume that if you spend time with a woman in a bar that going home with them is always the ultimate goal? Are we (men) really that shallow to think that hooking up for meaningless sex is the only way to enjoy oneself while out? I don’t know about you, but some meaningless sex right now would probably mess with my mind more than it would help to make me feel better about myself.<P>I think we will both be ok during all of this and I truly believe that we are smart enough to look for the positives so we can learn and build stronger relationships in the future. As much as we miss our marriages, I’m sure we each can see some areas that we could improve upon which would have made things better. The outcome may not be any different, but the time together with our wives may have been.<P>Just remember, only the past is set in stone, the future is yet to be written. <BR><P>------------------<BR>JH93

Jayhawk93,<P>Unfortunately some of my friends are the same way. But their are a couple differences between them and us. First: They try to compare our break-ups with their past break-ups. Unfortunately none of them have been married (at least my friends) and usually their longest relationship has been 1 - 2 years. They don't understand the bond that is formed over time and through marriage. For them, hooking up with new women is their solution to forgetting the frivilous relationship they just exited. So in an odd, strange, misguided kind of way, they are really only trying to help us. They think that if we move on to someone else's bed, we will forget about our wives. In that respect I am thankful for my friends in that they do care, but I just let them know that 1) that was never me to begin with and 2) that is not who I ever want to be. Once put in those terms they tend to back-off the "getting some" philosophy.<P>And I agree that fall is a tough time. So much usually went on - My wife used to teach pre-school so she would be making crafts for her "kids" and having them over for Halloween. Then comes the dreaded Saturday - the day I go out to pick out our(my) Christmas tree. It is my favorite holiday and the one I loved to spend with her the most. We would get all bundled up and go to the Christmas Tree Forest to find that "perfect tree" while along the way kidding around, wrestling in the snow and just having fun. Some think that I should just avoid doing it alone, but truth is I enjoyed the holiday well before I met her (she just completed it) and there is no reason to forget God's birthday now! Especially considering all he has given to me and done for me this year (Yep that's right, He has done alot for me this year. Many might not see it that way, but I know He has spent quite a long time with me over these past months).<P>What I found helps with these "roller coaster" emotions is to just accept them fully. When I am sad and miss her, I let myself be sad. When I am happy and not thinking about her, I let myself be happy and not feel guilty that I am happy without her. How crazy is it that more than once when I was feeling good, I felt scared that my feelings of love for her would not return? That just boggles my mind.<P>Oh well. What can ya do?