What can I do to get my husband back or should I take him back? We met in September of 1997, married June of 1998 and filed for divorce in mid September of 1998. We’re both computer professionals -he’s 24 and I’m 35. After one month of marriage I found out that prior to our marriage, he went through a bankruptcy. He told me that he had bad credit, but he never mentioned the bankruptcy. When I talked him into applying for a charge card, the clerk told me he was denied due to a bankruptcy and some other marks on his credit rating. Before marriage he mentioned that he had bad credit, but that’s not the same as a bankruptcy. After that incident, I didn’t trust him. I began to feel that he married me because he needed a credit source and I worried that his only purpose for marrying me was financial (house, 401k, etc). I asked why he didn’t tell me beforehand and he shrugged it off by saying, “I told you I had bad credit”. I probably would have married him anyway, but the lie made me worry. He then accused me of marrying him to help pay my debt. He started making accusations that I planned to have him pay off my debt and then I was going to leave him. Hearing this made me think it was a projection –this was his plan and I was going to be used.<p>Along with the major lie, he was hypercritical and hypersensitive (began within 3 months of dating), but he promised that it would stop. By this time he was also insisting that we move to another state within a couple of months. Due to the continued criticism and the lack of trust, I was too frightened to move anywhere with him. Before our July honeymoon, I asked for a divorce and requested that he move out immediately. We reconciled, but the criticism didn’t stop. Out of desperation, I asked for a divorce again. I was tired of the constant criticism and emotional neglect; however, I really didn’t want to lose him. My hope was that he would stop the criticism if he feared losing me. By the time September of 1998 arrived, we were constantly arguing and we’d visited a marriage counselor once (he was always to busy to make another appointment). In mid September, I filed for a divorce because he insisted. Even though I tried for two months to reconcile, he still wanted a divorce and refused to see a marriage counselor. In mid November, I accepted the fact that my husband left me. I was finally sleeping at night and doing some constructive things with my life such as working on my Bachelor’s degree and taking piano lessons. I knew that he was moving to a different state and I figured that would create the closure that I needed to get on with my life. Our divorce is not final and when he arrived in the new state (1500 miles away) he asked to reconcile our marriage.<p>He acknowledged that he missed me, yet he continued to blame me for everything that went wrong in our marriage. During our talk, I asked when he wanted me to move and he replied, “He hadn’t thought about it”. It was confusing because on the one hand he was asking to reconcile, but there was nothing in his voice that indicated sincerity. I love him and I believe in marriage so I was willing to listen. The next day he emailed a scathing email message that outlined what he was and wasn’t going to tolerate and essentially stated that if I had a problem with any of the items we could forget about reconciling. Of course, I was livid and responded with an email message asking why he wasn’t being compassionate. I also explained that this was the type behavior that attributed to our demise (Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde –nice one minute and seething the next). He called to apologize, but during further talks, I never heard anything that indicated he was willing to give our marriage 100% effort. Nor did I hear anything that made me feel secure financially or emotionally. Moving to another state is a major undertaking. I’d have to sell the house, quit my job, find a new job in the new state, leave family and friends and move to a state where I know no one.<p>During several conversations and in several emails, I tried to help him understand my hesitancy in moving. He claims he doesn’t understand why I am hesitating. Based on the responses from him regarding my three major concerns, I get the impression that he really wants to be single. My major concerns: I want to be first in his life; If he wants to lunch with females, I want him to go with a group instead of one on one; I want joint decision making and joint accounts; I want him to be empathetic. He claims he needs time to trust that I won’t ask for a divorce again. He says after a year or so, we can make decisions together and have joint accounts; however, his job comes first and he will handle female friends however he choses. In our last correspondence, I told him that I needed to have joint decision making and joint accounts (I want to be an integral part of his life). The only thing he heard is that I want joint accounts. He misinterpreted what I said and accused me of ending our reconciliation because he won’t agree to share his money. I’m so confused. I feel like I am going crazy. Even though I tried to explain my major concerns which are listed above, he only focused on one aspect. I want him in my life, but he doesn’t seem to hear me. Is this a lost cause? If not, what can I do to get him back?<p>

iamlovable,<p>You certainly sound lovable. I was flabbergasted as I read your post. You sound like you've got your ducks in row.<br>from your description I'd say your husband is suffering from a malady that easily besets us men - terminal selfishness.<br>I marvel at what you say because here I am, a man that is trying very hard to get his wife to trust him again and feel comfortable with letting me back into her heart. I haven't done the things to my wife your husband has done to you. But I've been married a lot longer, also.<br>Then I see your husband here, clearly doing things the wrong way, the divorce already filed, he's already moved to another state and yet you are ready to patch things up.<br>I'm simply amazed. All of your reactions sound totally reasonable to me. He'd better wake up if he really wants you back. Otherwise I'd say you're better off without him. I'd love it if my wife would tell me the terms I need to meet to get her trust back the way you've done to your husband. He has something objective to work towards but not the humility to put his foolish ways aside to do it.<br>As it is I just do things with little or no feedback and am always wondering if I'm doing enough. <br>But I do hope he comes to his senses and tries to work things out. It's clear that you'd rather have him than not and it would be great if he'd understand what he's doing to himself. I hope it works out.

Thanks Bruce. I emailed one last time to find out where he stood. He says, "he loves me", but he's not going to negotiate any of the issues. He let me know that he still wants me even after the divorce is final. However, after the divorce is final, he would want to live with me for a year or so (out of state) before deciding on remarriage. There's no way I'm moving under those circumstances. I guess this means, I'm definitely divorcing.<p>I realize what a fool I've been. He's so arrogant. The bad part is that my behavior gave him permission to be that way. I suspect he'll come to his senses in 6 months or so. By then it will be too late because I can't bear the pain again. Once I close my heart (to him), there's no turning back.<p>I hope that you work things out with your wife. Counseling might help or perhaps she can commit her feelings/wants to paper. Sounds like she's still very hurt. Hold on to your love. Be consistent with you kindness and affection. It must be difficult trying so hard to please her and yet you don't where you stand. Best of luck.<p><p>