Well, I have recently sold the home that my X and I bought as our dream home only a year ago.<P>I am now in a very cute, smaller home which I actually like better than the dream home. The problem is that my x keeps coming around my new house like he owns a part of it. He wants to do yard work, he has played tennis on the courts behind my house with my broker, he drops by unexpectedly all the time after he leaves messages for me (which I haven't even responded to yet). He dropped by yesterday and came right into my kitchen to make dinner for the girls. I was so taken back I didn't know what to do at the time.<P>I think he wants to maintain responsibiblity for me and the house when he only has responsibility for the kids now. When he divorced me, he lost that right. He only has rights to the children now. <P>It has become a very difficult situation. We have maintained an amicable relationship and I don't want to upset that, but I need to define boundaries now that I have my own house. <P>He has the kids on Tues and Thurs nights and lives with his sister now until he can afford a place. He originally was keeping them overnight these nights but when we were in the old house he would just come over there and put them to sleep instead. I was ok with that because it was his house too and it did work out well for both of us. But now he wants to do that in my new house. I can't agree to that and think it is strange he even wants that. SO, now I am waiting to see what he is going to do about this. <P>His parents are divorced but remained close friends and actually to this day still spend holidays together as a family. They take care of each others animals, etc. I think my x wants that with me, but that is not going to happen. He actually wanted me to drive down with him and the kids to Florida for Thanksgiving. He would then drop me off at my parents and take the kids to his mom's house. It is his year for the kids at Thanksgiving. I said no thank you. Then, he said he wasn't going to go then and wanted to know if I wanted to go to Morrisons with him and the kids. I told him I had other plans. Does anyone else think this is insane? For those he think he wants back, that is not it. He just wants to be able to have a family and home that he can come and go to whenever he pleases. Like his Dad did. I'm not going to let that happen but it is causing me a lot of stress dealing with this situation. <P>Ok - I am through venting. There is a lot more crazy things going on with him but it is too much to write out.<P>Jennifer

Dear Jennifer,<P>You must set boundaries and you must do it right away before this becomes a harder habit for him to break. Decide how you need to have it be for you to feel comfortable. Write it down if you have to -- give it some careful thought. Answer questions like, is it okay for him to call and leave a message and then drop by without getting a confirmation from you first? Obviously, it is not going to be okay for him to drop by completely unannounced. If he is there, what parts of the house are open to him and which are not? Do you need to set a time limit on how long he can be there? Is it okay to have joint outings with the kids for birthdays, say, but no other reason? <P>Begin by saying something like, "In an effort to maintain an amicable relationship between us for the sake of the children, I'm going to have to establish some boundaries to preserve my privacy and the sanctity of my home." Look him in the eye, make sure you have his attention, be kind and loving, yet firm. If this is the pattern his parents had, he has that deeply ingrained in him and without making him feel "wrong", you have to let him know that it's not okay with you. Jennifer, there is nothing wrong with that, so don't feel bad doing it.<P>If I were you, I would not like it either. Is there some possibility that he has thoughts of reconciliation? You might want to clear that up while you're at it and make sure that isn't whats driving this odd behavior.<P>Good luck. I hope it goes well for you.<P><P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers,<BR>KristyAnn<P>If I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 1CO 13:2

Thanks KristyAnn! <P>What great advice. I have been trying to figure out what exactly to say and you gave me the words I needed. I'm printing this out now in case he calls.<P>I don't think he wants a reconcilliation but I think that I should confirm this. Another good suggestion.<P>Thanks, <P>Jennifer

I agree with KristyAnn, that was great advice and the words were perfect. Kind and loving, yet firm and decisive. <P>You definately need to set boundaries ASAP before any new habits begin to develop, especially in regard to the privacy you deserve in your own home.<P>------------------<BR>JH93

I guess I am the exemption. The father of my children will always be welcome in my home. I don't see it being any different when I move. I don't understand how "boundaries" help the kids any. During the time since my H left, our kids were happiest when he was spending time with the kids in our home, reading them bedtime stories, cooking dinner. Their lives were much more disrupted when he started taking them to the OW's house, and now that he only sees them occasionally it is even worse.

Nellie:<P>I'm not against my x seeing the kids. I am thankful that he wants to see them all the time and I encourage that. And, I want him to continue to see and call them as much as he likes. But, I do have a problem with him just coming in and out of my house like it is his own. He even wants a key so that if I am gone he can come over with the kids and put them to sleep and then wait till I get home. I am uncomfortable with him being in my house alone. It is a privacy issue now. I have things I do not want him to be reading, etc.<P>Setting boundaries is very hard for me. There is a part of me that wants him to remain a part of "my" life. My setting boundaries ends a part of our relationship that I have been accustomed to for 18 years. Everyone believes that I need to do this. I can't continue having that type of relationship with him. We are now divorced and I need to set up boundaries that allow him to see the kids but that don't interfere with my right to privacy. <P>I appreciate that he wants to continue helping me out around the house but is his motivation out of love, guilt or to hang something over my head in order to get things he wants now or later. It is like he wants a partial divorce. He doesn't want me anymore but wants to maintain responsibility for a family and a home. He wants to be able to run around with women but then be able to stop by my house and play the part of a family man. Is that fair?<P>I talked to him again today and he seems agreeable to the overnight visits with the kids. I think that is good for them. It allows them to have their Dad put them to bed, read stories, get them ready for school a couple days a week, etc. It also gives me a break so that I am not stressed out all the time trying to do it all 5 days a week and then spending an hour and half in the car trying to get to work each morning. <P>

{{{{{{{{{JEN}}}}}}<P>WOW! Well I'm glad to hear your settled in your new home and the best part is you like it better, how awesome!!!!!!! Sometimes, bigger isn't always better,right?? I was on the way to buying my dream home right before the affair happened. Now I know I want the dream marriage one day and who cares about the house. Well you know what i mean.<P>Aren't you still seeing someone? Does he help with yardwork,etc? I'd imagine this behavior of ex would irritate new bf a little, it would bother me.<P>I guess all you can do is sit down and have a talk with him and let him know that this is now the new life. He must follow your guidelines. You will never ever have a perfect ammicable relationship now cuz you didn't when you were married right? Some of us get along better with ex's after divorce, but we don't have to keep them in our lives so closely either.<P>You do what's best for you and if it doesn't feel right, then its not!!!<P>Hugs and prayers, Dana<BR>

Hey Dana:<P>Good to have you back. I hope things are going better for you. Your posts lately have said you have been going through some difficult times. Seems like that is the norm for all of us these days.<P>I am still seeing someone and he doesn't like the situation with my x. He had stayed silent for some time about it but he has now voiced a few concerns and he has offered to help me around the house. He thinks it is very strange how much my x still wants to stay in the picture beyond the responsibility of the kids. He worries that he might want to reconcile or is trying to manipulate me into giving him more money, etc. I really don't think that is what my x wants. I think he feels guilty for leaving and still feels responsible for me. That's really not such a bad thing other than it makes it hard for me to move on and start over. <P>Jen

The difference is that Nellie is not dating anyone, hence the need for privacy is not as strong. <P>Would it be so bad if your ex wanted to reconcile? Sure, new boyfriend wouldn't like it. If I were in his place (your BF's place), I'd step out of the picture altogether until you, your ex's, and your children's lives were more settled.

The Student:<P>I agree with you that if there was a chance for us to reconcile, the bf should step out of the picture or I should end the relationship. However, there is no chance of reconcilliation. My x has never indicated that he wants back in the relationship. So, I have decided to move on and do feel the need for privacy even if I wasn't dating someone.<P>If my x did say he wanted back, I would be highly skeptical of his motivation. I'm sure if would be for financial reasons only and not to re-establish a relationship with me. <P>I understand where you are coming from. I used to wish that he would come back. But now so much time has passed and so many things have been said and I have learned more about what is important to me. I don't think I could take him back now. I know we differ on our thoughts about love and commitment. I was committed to him when I was married through the worst of times. But, when he left me and wouldn't change his mind after all my begging and pleading, I gave up. Now, we are divorced and I feel I need to move on and put this behind me.<P>Thanks for your concern and advice. You know I always like to hear both sides of the issue.<P>Jen

711,<BR>As more and more time passes, I question whether or not I could take my ex back as well. Even though I feel I still love my ex, I'm kind of forcefully keeping myself out of the dating picture for alot of reasons that have nothing to do with him (trying to finish PhD for one). I say "yes" I would want him back right now because there isn't anyone else and won't be for a long time (for the reasons I mentioned above). We never had the financial issues to deal with. I can't imagine my ex having any ulterior motives. Now, if he all of a sudden wanted to come back after I graduated, I might feel differently. I don't know. All I know is that I still miss him. As long as that is true, I will keep hoping. <P>I'd like to think that if I had children that I'd keep trying, but couldn't absolutely say for sure then either. I guess what it comes down to, is that MAYBE he is finally trying to fill your love bank(?) and you can't/won't let him. If someone else was not in the picture, you wouldn't have that much to lose by letting your ex show you if he changed or not. Now, I'm not suggesting you put your life on hold forever. You mentioned that your ex was the one who wanted the divorce. Mine too. Even though I've left the door open, it would be up to him to walk through it and show some effort.

The Student:<P>I agree that if I wasn't dating someone I probably would be more likely to be receptive to him just dropping by. I also might still be holding on to the hope we could work things out. But, I will tell you that everyone I know thinks that would have been a major mistake. We really had a terrible marriage from the get go. But, I think you know all that. I always hoped my x would change. But, you can't change another. We tried that for years. He wanted me to change, I wanted him to change, neither of us could accept each other for who we were. There would have to be so many problems resolved for my x and I to ever get back together. We had issues with drinking, respect, communication, different lifestyles, sex, etc. These are issues I was willing to work on with him when we were married but he didn't want to work on these things and I can't imagine he ever will. So, deep down I know we would never make it if we tried again. It might work for a little while but not for the long haul. As I have said before, I wouldn't have divorced him when I was married but we are now divorced and I don't have to go back with him. And, I really don't think he will ever wan't to try again. <P>As to the kids, all the kids ever saw us do was fight. They never saw affection. Now they see two adults who get along pretty well and they receive so much love individually from the both of us. They are adjusting extremely well. I actually believe they are happier now if you can believe that.<P>As to the new boyfriend, he has so many of the qualities I was hoping for in my x. I know I am in the early stages of this relationship and all kinds of problems and issues are yet to surface, but we have started off with such a different outlook on love and marriage then I did when I met my x when I was 18 years old. He is in therapy, he reads relationship books, we talk about all these issues and we both know how much work a relationship requires. <P>So, we shall see. I will never shut the door completely on anything. I think until I am in a particular situation, I do not know how I would act. But, I really don't think that my x will ever reopen that door. And, if he did, I really don't think I could try again. So, I am moving on and taking things day by day.<P>Jen