How many of you are divorced because of your spouse being in an exit affair? I have done a lot of research trying to figure out what happened in the demise of my marriage and I think ours is a combination of an exit affair/MLC. My STBXH moved out of state for a job promotion in January, I confronted him with affair in March (we were supposed to join him in June)and by April he decided he wanted to end the marriage and did not want to try and reconcile with me. He and his OW are being married shortly after our divorce is finalized - are buying a new house together and want children - the same thing that we did when we first got married.(We have an 11 yr old daughter) Has this happened to anyone else? Their affair started approx 6 months before he moved out.

Barrington<P>my ex, met me while living with a woman, after divorcing his first wife... so he has done this now, three times.. he is now on his 4th victom, and thinks this is it.. well that very well may be, because they are old high school friends, and both have had all the kids they are going to have with their ex`s.. so now they have no ties, and no head aches.. and they are not living together as yet, because the OW still has to get out of her marriage.. <P>as far as I know, she is sep.. but her H, is very angry at my ex.. and this is going to cause all kinds of problems for them.. <P>my point is.. my ex has a history now, of doing this, so when does one learn that it is his head issues that keep failing him.. not the woman in his past.. I know for a fact that all of his ex`s, would have worked out the relationship with him.. it is he who keeps running.. so there is no hope here for me.. once he has found some one new/else, he never looks back.. <P>unfortunatly, his son from his first marriage, had to deal with me, and his ex live in, all at one time, so the son had two OW`s to deal with, back then.. (sad, but I had no idea at the time, not being a mom yet, and too young to understand it all, as I do now, how it would effect his son) and now my daughter is dealing with this Ow, who D knew, way before he left us, and is now backed into a corner to except this woman in her life.. (my daughter is 12) and at a very vulnerable age.. so who knows how this is going to effect her future realtionships.. <P>I know just how you feel.. and going through this my self.. I can only say.. his loss.. he had some one so willing to start a new, and wanted really bad, to keep our family together.. now I will have our daughter 24-7, and he will miss out on so very much.. so yes, his loss.. two times over.. (loosing me and getting to watch my daughter on a daily basis, grow)<P>you take care.. and lots of luck to you..<P>AV

Barrington,<BR>I found about my x's affair in May 99, she moved out and in with om in July 99, file for divorce in Aug 99. There were a few weak attempts at reconciliation, one lasted 5 hrs, another about a day, another about a week. After the last one, the week long one, I file d for the divorce. We were divorced on Feb 1, 2000.<P>We attempted counseling 3 different times, and last no more than 2 sessions each. I continued counseling with one of them and she said she felt my x was having an exit affair too and possibly a MLC too.<P>I fully believe the MLC and so does a friend of hers. As for the exit affair, I semi-believe that too as the guy she is with is really not her type at all. That is why I think it is an exit affair, she just wanted out of the marriage and the affair presented itself as a way out.<P>The part that confuses me is that she is actually going to marry the guy. I didn't think their relationship last. But I think they are both kind of trapped now and have no one else.<P>My x gave up her friends, job , church and family for this guy. <P>Don't blame yourself, it is about them not us.<P>God Bless,<P>Bob

Most of what i understand about Exit affairs comes from reading Private Lies by Frank Pitman. He basically describes someone who is very unhappy in their marraige before the affair happens. Most often these folks are conflict avoiders who find it impossible to communicate their dissatisfaction to their spouses and end up having an affair instead. In many cases they've given up on the marriage long before the affair happens, but of course their spouse is usually clueless to this because the WS is a conflict avoider who finds it impossible to communicate. Bottom line is they find it easier to move on to a new "love" than to stay and work on the marriage. <P>When i read Pitman, i saw my STBXW being described in detail. <P>I think what makes the Exit affair so lethal is that the WS has usually given up on the marriage long before the affair takes place. By the time the betrayed find out, it's too late. <P>The good news for the betrayed in these situations is that they now have a chance to find someone who CAN and WILL communicate openly.<P> <P>

nlitend,<BR>I agree and as I look back over my marriage I can now see where she was through with the marriage a long time ago. She said she was unhappy in the marriage for 10 yrs.<P>I never got an inkling until about 3 yrs ago when I made a new friend(male) that she became jealous of and admitted that some guy was hitting on her at work. I just had a revelation, was this the om starting things up back then ?<P>I ended my friendship with the guy but nothing ever improved in our marriage.<P>As far as the lack of communication the only clues she gave me she mentioned going to a marriage retreat 2-3 times. There was never any mention of her unhappiness or problems.

The exit affair is my STBX's move! she does this to get out of relationships, it's been her pattern since her fisrt boyfriend!<P>Bill

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by nlitend:<BR><B>Most of what i understand about Exit affairs comes from reading Private Lies by Frank Pitman. He basically describes someone who is very unhappy in their marraige before the affair happens. Most often these folks are conflict avoiders who find it impossible to communicate their dissatisfaction to their spouses and end up having an affair instead. <BR> </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>For what it's worth, here's another source on this topic:<P>In Patterns of Infidelity, Emily Brown classifies affairs into five categories. She makes a distinction between Conflict Avoidance affairs and Exit Affairs. I sat and read this at Borders one evening, so I don't remember all the characteristics exactly, but as far as I remember, the Conflict Avoidance affairs tend to occur earlier in the marriage, and are generally physical, but not emotional. Exit Affairs and Empty Nest Affairs happen after more years of marriage, are emotional as well as physical, and are indicators of much more serious problems in the marriage. These are the affairs that are likely to go on for a long time and that are more likely to result in marriage after the divorce.<P>Cottonwood<p>[This message has been edited by Cottonwood (edited October 12, 2000).]

Hi Barrington,<P>My ex H's affair was an exit affair. Now that I think of it, he has cheated on me 3 times over 11 years, all of them being "as an exit" then returned when those relationships ended.<P>Some people are afraid to get out there and live and be alone, so I think this is there way out.<P>I read Private Lies too, its a GREAT book. I don't remember who said it above, but by the time the WS decides on an exit affair its usually too late for the betrayed.<P>I don't think the exit affair spouse truly grieves over the affair or the partner they left until that SECONDARY relationship breaks up. Sometimes, they try three times as hard to make that one work, making us betrayed feel even less significant.<P>In the end, I think it happens to a lot of us and its a sad excuse and a disgrace of the marriage vows.<P>Prayers and hugs, <BR>Dana<BR>

<BR>My stbxh claims we are getting divorced because I had an affair. I didn't have an affair. I had been unhappy in my marriage for a long, long time. I did tell H that I was miserable, but he claims to this very day that he didn't know I was unhappy. He was verbally and emotionally abusive. During our separation he also became physically abusive. I wonder how many wifes did tell their husbands, or vice versa, and they just didn't hear. I agree, that there are people out there who will avoid conflict at all costs, and when they are convinced that there is no hope left in the marriage, they embark on an affair. <P>In my case, I had an EA with someone I never laid eyes on. I look back at the reasons for doing that and there are none except that I was so unhappy and so starved for attention that I became seduced by the caring words of a stranger. I certainly didn't want to divorce my H because I was thinking of running off with someone I had never met. It was a calling that our marriage needed work. We did counseling, we talked until there was nothing left to say. My H was still the same. Nothing had changed. It would have been nice if my life and feelings were ever considered. I filed for divorce. Three months after filing for divorce, I met someone who was also going through a painful divorce. So, even though we have been separated since January, divorce filed in March...my stbxh still considered me having an affair. <P>I, in no way, want to offend any of the men, but after my own experience and talking with other men about their experiences, I sometimes doubt that men pick up on the signals their wives are telling them. I know I most likely will get flayed alive for that...but I know that I tried very hard to make my marriage work. I did tell my H over and over again that things were wrong, I wasn't happy. He just viewed me as being a naggy wife. He ignored me. I often have wondered what bothers him the most, the fact that he has lost someone he claims to have loved, or he has lost a pocession of his that made his life easy for so many years. Right now he is bitter, I have ruined his life, I have created financial hardships. I didn't leave him for someone else. I am alone. I know there are financial hardships ahead...that should speak volumes about my decision. <BR>