I am going to be married next month to a wonderful man. Here is my problem: The ex-wife. They have two wonderful boys 5 & 3 whom my future husband has custody of. <P>Well the ex is alwasy going into these periods of depression (so to speak) where she feels like we are pushing her out of the boys lives. I get along wonderfully with the boys and I love them just like they were my own.<P>She will get down and call him and tell him well perhaps I will go to court to adjust the custody arrangement or you just don't care anymore or I can't believe you have forgotten all the good times or you think I am a bad Mom. Well then with the threat of court action, he buckles and takes a trip down memory lane, telling what a wonderful Mom she is, (when he tells me she is just an egg doner) (that is why he got custody) and that he will never forget the good time and laughter etc. He claims he is afraid that she would get some attorney that would be successful in getting her custody and the boys would suffer.<P>I have tried to be nice, I make little things with the boys to take to their Mom, I try to communicate with her, only to get nasty emails and one in particular blamed me for the dimise of their marriage. It was over before I came into the picture.<P>Recently the oldest boy started Kindergarten, we go to school function, and I told him I wanted to join the PTA, he laughed and said if you want to go ahead. So I did, well then so did the ex but not before mentioning to him she did not believe I was doing that because I was not a parent.<P>Well now she is doing the PTA newsletter, and he wants her to send him the paper so he can read all about what is going on. Hmmmmmm. When we are out at school, she won't look at me or talk to me, I have tried and I think I am at my wits end.<P>Just today, she mentioned that the oldest in his pics from K always wears the same shirt. WEll guess who dresses him in the mornings. Me!! I just cant seem to win. When I got upset at this one, he said she did not mean it like that I know her and she does not have a mean bone in her body. <P>What gives he calls her all the time at her work for stupid things, things that could wait until she picks up the boys or I have told him he could email her. He sent her an email telling her all about our honeymoon and the details of dates so she would have the boys. Today he had to call her because he was not sure if she had the dates. He calls her to check to see if she remembers things at school. I say that is her responsibility, not his. but he continues to call her like he still has to keep tabs on her.<P>She won't come to the house when I am here, she waits till I am not home. She always calls when I am not home or calls him on his cell phone <P>Please help me. Am I just being jealous should I just learn to deal with it. This is what he tells me that he will continue to do whatever it takes to keep her calm and not chance losing his boys.<P>HELP

"It was over before I came into the picture."<P>Were they divorced before you two got together? If not, then it WAS NOT over. Not only that, he still has an emotional attachment to her and THANKFULLY the children. He calls her an egg donor. Nice. Maybe SHE is not the problem. Maybe HE is the problem. As you might guess, this forum has alot of folks whose husbands/wives left their families for another person. If this is what your soon to be husband did and is doing, you won't get much sympathy here. <P>If you were involved with him before a divorce, she has every reason to think your participation put the final nail in the coffin and I would not blame her for not talking to you. Sorry.

Magicalwoman,<P>when you marry this man, you are signing up for the whole package. And that means a lifetime of dealing with his exwife. She is the mother of his children. You are just now starting to get a taste of the difficult role of being a stepmother. It isn't going to be easy. I sense she believes you are trying to usurp her role as mother - you know that is not the case, but let your actions prove it to her.<P>That seems understandable to me considering you are there every day, you can't let your pride get in the way and make this a competition. Use your compassion for her situtation, to gauge what is really happening. Be wise, and back off with anything that competes with "mothering" but don't be stupid, if it starts to set off those bells with the "wifely" role you play, then you talk to your husband. But be very sure it is not your pride talking.<P>You are signing on for the day-to-day routine - it isn't easy, it isn't rewarding, and your complaints will start to be that you aren't appreciated for everything you do, while the kids will love going to see mommy and have fun with her, and get presents - you are going to hear what we as the custodial mothers hear all the time about visiting their fathers. You are signing up for a lifetime of being taken for granted.<P>It seems quite wise for him to check and doublecheck about dates condering your honeymoon. How angry would you be if you had to cancel your plans because she got the dates wrong? Never doubt, that those kids are always going to come first. That is the way it has to be. You will understand when you have children with him, if that is in your plans.<P>I think it is very nice that their mother is becoming active in the PTA - even if the impetus behind it was a competition with you. Maybe you should back off a little here, and let her get comfortable. You have a lifetime of this ahead of you. Go slowly, and let her calm down and accept you as help, and a positive influence, rather than a threat. Its going to take time. She sounds terribly insecure. And remember, no matter what has happened in the past, YOU have the husband, you have the kids.<P>Do not think this is going to get easier. The burden will be on you in this situation. The children must come first - and they will - remember that - I have seen too many women enter this kind of a situation naively - if you don't like the constant contact your husband has with his exwife, or if you expect rewards from doing the drudge work taking care of those children, I would strongly suggest you reconsider marrying him. <P>I am talking to you strictly from the perspective of what is in the children's best interest - not your's, your husband's or their mother's. They need both their parents in their lives.<P>You have a wonderful opportunity to help these two little children - but it is also a great responsibility.

Have fun, I know you have some serious work ahead if you are going to make marriage work. Don't be a mom to these kids they have a mom!<P>Joining PTA was a mistake in my mind!<P>Good luck! Also I like the student wonder when you actually got involved?

Before I say anything, I want you to know that I am a step mom and I also have two bio kids of my own. My ex and I do not communicate (his choice) so for my kids they have two parents that do not and can not co-parent together. My husband and his ex DO co-parent very well together. She keeps him informed and he does the same. When there is conferences or concerts he attends because he's the parent. Obviously, she attends too because she is the mother. I would imagine in your case where the ex does not have custody she feels even more that her role as a mommy is being taken away from her and it also sounds like she is trying very hard to be their mom. Very difficult task when you are no longer under the same roof. My advice....back off. Some day you'll be "his" wife but as long as the children's mom wants to be in their life and wants to take an active role in their life then it's only her that deserves the title of mom. I would never in a million years step on my step kids mom's toes. You did not mention if you had children but my first guess is that you don't. I think when you do or if you do you'll understand just how important it is to a parent to be active in their childrens lives and to feel intimidated by a step parent. You get to help parent these kids the majority of the time since dad has custody. When their mom has the opportunity to do something with or for them then let her. The PTA was a bad thing and if I could go even further and guess on some more things, your reason for joining was purely for your benefit and nobody elses. You were doing it to be vandictive and down right mean. Your rubbing it into the ex's face that your THERE now and your pissing on your turf. Your "telling" your hubby to be that your this dedicated wonderful wife and mommy to his kids because your jealous of his co-parenting with the ex and you feel threatened. I'm not picking on you, I think deep down these were your motivations. What I can assure you is that if your attitude and actions do not change you will be ex number 2.

My main question would be why on earth would you want to marry someone who would refer to the woman who bore their children as an "egg donor?" If you want to know if a prospective husband will treat you with respect, watch how he treats his first wife. <P>

I agree with Nellie. I would question how much he will respect you.<P>I also agree with honey.west. You are picking up the whole package! You're not taking what you want out of the box... you got the whole dealy. <P>So, like the others, I'm kind of curious... where exactly in the divorce process was he when you got involved? I am not here to judge at all, just interested. Did his wife want him back? If he wasn't divorced, and ESPECIALLY if he was still living at home but "in a bad marriage" you are the other woman. In that case, it would be completely understandable that his wife would hate you.<P>Becoming a step-mother figure is tough... do you have kids of your own? Ever been a parent? <P>I wish you luck... parenting is hard enough work when they come out of your body!

Magicalwoman,<P>Well, you sure have gotten a ear full from the ladies. Maybe they are right. But, I would like to take another guess at this and see if there is something else.<P>You are doing and feeling what you feel because you want to please your H, not to spite the exW. Am I right? You joined PTA because you want your H to be (H2b), to know you intend to be a good wife and mother to his children. Am I right?<P>You do want that don't you? I would also guess that exW is not mother of the year, otherwise H would not have custody of the children. Not in this country anyway. However, she is going to try and change into mother of the year now. That is good, don't compete with her.<P>You have been given good advice about buying into the whole package. You get it when you marry him. Bonniesept, gave you good advice about the role of stepmom and mom. You are going to be in a tough place.<P>So I would like to offer a suggestion to you before you get married. Sit down and read the concepts of POJA and the 4 rules of a successful marriage on this site. You can find them in several places here. <P>Once you understand them, talk with your H2b. See if he agrees with them, and then the both of you follow them. First, item on the agenda, the children.<P>1. Who disciplines them.<P>2. Who and when are they to be corrected.<P>3. How does he want you to interact with them. You aren't their mother, but they will be living with you.<P>4. How do you want to interact with them.<P>5. Agree to discuss as much as reasonable, your decisions with the children. This is tough because they won't understand too much.<P>6. Finally, and this may be hard sit down with ex W, H and yourself and come to understanding about all of these roles.<P>I sense you want to be a great W and you know his children are important. You want to do a good job with helping raise them. These are all very good things, but they are complicated by the exW and her need to be their mother. You can understand this can't you? See if you and at least your H2b can come to an agreement about the children.<P>Finally, I appreciate you are very worried about the influence of exW on your marriage. You need to talk to H about this. However, remember one thing he is marrying you not her. You cannot be her and you don't need to be her. You need to be a good W and he needs to be a good H. It is that simple.<P>Please think about this, and good luck.<P>God Bless,<P>JL