My H. has lived apart from me and our three kids for almost three years now. He rarely seems happy, only sporadically and then I suspect it's because he's been drinking (or something else). His moods are up and down like the classic Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde and it seems he becomes extremely maudlin and unhappy during the holiday season, or the kids' birthdays, or times when we ordinarily would have been together as a family. Now, here is the question: Just this past weekend he sent me several inflammatory and some not-so-severe emails which gave me pause. One of these emails said that he DOES STILL LOVE ME and how he misses me and the kids every single day. He went on and on about how he hates the holidays now, but he used to love them, especially Halloween with the kids, getting dressed up with them, etc. <BR>I don't get it but does this sound like someone who wants a divorce? He has been nasty and mean to me and oftentimes to the children since this whole divorce thing started. He is the one who filed for divorce, he is the one who left and he is the one with the other woman! So, here is my ultimate question: Is the OW the reason he can't come back to us and admit he made a mistake? Is this the case in so many of our situations -- the OP is maybe even "holding something over" our spouse's heads? It seems as though the OW has a real hold on him. She told me one time, though I've never met her in person, that "I just want you to know, Cindy, that I'm not going anywhere!!!!!" She is a constant in my H's life, but why doesn't he seem happy, indeed, why is he saying he still loves me? Thanks.

I believe that the fog in the A has cleared somewhat and he is beginning to realise that what he had left behind is the family he really wants. His guilt and his self-doubts about how you will take him back could well be the reasons he is afraid of backtracking. I feel that the inflammatory mails are a test as to how you really feel about him now that he really messed up the marriage and the children's lives. Unless, of course, there are other issues privy to you and him.<P>If you really want him back because you know he will be good for the kids and he had never been abusive or a compulsive drinker, etc., you may have to be the one to wave the olive branch.<P>The OW is a nasty peice of bad news and she actually dared you to come close? I think he is getting disillusioned about OW and she knows that. It appears that your H needs your help in getting out of the 'prison' he now finds himself in. <P>If you really want him again, may you have the wisdom, patience and magnanimity to let go of the hurts and rebuild a new life with him. If he is merely playing games, which doesn't seem so to me, then youmay still want to find out what is going on for the sake of the children.

My 2 cents. I don't think it's the ow that is actually "making" him stay but rather the fear of being alone. He'd rather be with her then alone and he's not convinced you'd take him back. I don't know your history with him real well but if you want him back and IF he'd benefit the kids if he came back then I would let him know that you'd be there. I say IF only because I don't know your history. If he was abusive or a drunk then I don't think that is benefiting the kids if he were in the home. If he's not willing to give the marriage 100% and disengage from the ow ENTIRELY then it's not benefiting the kids. A dad that thinks the home has a revolving door hurts the kids more then a dad that just stays out of the family home. Only you can answer those questions.