ThornedRose,<P>Thank you ever so much for clarifying "Boundries", the book you were referencing! I ordered the book and workbook today!<P>The way I previously conducted my life seems to have been already written by one readers review of the book from the Amazon website:<P>"Although I am pretty assertive and do express my boundaries to others, this book has helped me with another problem: not second guessing myself. Often I would make a decision and find the people around me getting upset over what I had chosen."<P>"The boundaries book helped me understand that I own my own life and the opinions of others are not my responsibility. Nine times out of ten, the "opinions" I was getting from others turned out to be nothing more than manipulation in disguise, and an attempt to get me to cave in. I would not cave in, but I would feel very guilty about it for months to follow. No more."<P>If I can ask, has reading the book, using the workbook affected you personally?<P>Again, thank you very much!<P>Ragamuffin<P><BR>

Ragamuffin,<P>YES!!!! The book and workbook have helped<BR>me personally!! I never knew what boundries were. I also looked at it as "The Right to Privacy" but the correct definition is BOUNDRIES!!! Example...before I married H<BR>he would just show up at my house uninvited<BR>if I had company he would make them sooooo<BR>uncomfortable that they would leave..<BR>I had one male friend from my sunday school class who would call and come over and we'd just sit and talk about whatever..He bought me something for my birthday one year..and <BR>my now H was like..He's trying to BUY YOU can't you see that..and he wasn't..<BR>another time I'd been invited to a friends wedding by another friend of mine..and I went<BR>My Now H got MAD I didn't take him with me..<BR>He felt since HE was in my life I had to spend ALL my time with HIM..and I am realising that HE IS MANIPULATIVE and CONTROLLING!!!! He still IS..<BR>If I make plans w/ my girl friends..he's like<BR>"YOU KEEP GOING OUT W/ THESE PPL ALL YOU <BR>WANT IS TO BE SINGLE"!!! He works away from home 99% of the time..and I need friends..<BR>I have been a stay home for 8 years..when I made new friends and would do things with them..oh was there hell to pay in the verbal sense..and the guilt department..But since<BR>reading not only this book but some others..<BR>I have been able to tell him..I need friends and if he doesn't like..well basically TOO BAD!!! So he's decided I just want to be single..so fine with me..I'll be single..I'd rather be single than live a life of "just existing day to day waiting for him to one day decide to come home and be a father and husband" <P>The other day he was saying something about<BR>how it's MY fault he works away from home..<BR>it's because I put all my "friends" before him, and JUST WHERE WOULD WE BE IF HE QUIT<BR>AND FOUND A JOB WHERE HE WAS ACTUALLY HOME<BR>EVERY NIGHT??? I just responded w/ <BR>"I don't know YOU never gave US that CHOICE<BR>or CHANCE to find out" HE got mad and the started yelling at me telling me NOT to put it back on HIM..cause YOU ARE THE ONE WHO HAD THE AFFAIR!!! I just said, well, You were the one who took this job without even discussing it with me knowing that you would ALWAYS be gone away from home..And I told him..yes I agree the affair was wrong. And that I've already confessed that to my creator who has forgiven me..and HE has yet to even look for another job..even after 7 years of MY asing him to..so to me..He has been having and Affair with his job for 9 years..and has refused to look at how it effects me and the kids his never being here..and never being able to do things because we have to "WAIT for him to be here" and I am tired of waiting to live MY life while he is gone all the time..I refuse to just stay home and just exist anymore..I need more for me and the kids need more for them..He's still mad..<BR>got called every name in the cuss book and then probably some that aren't there..but I've set the boundries..and one of which is I won't take this anymore..and I refuse to feel guilty for wanting to live life the way God intended me to live it..with others being apart of it..

ThornedRose,<P>First of all let me commend you on being an at home mom! Your children are getting what all children deserve. A parent at home, not the frills that two incomes can "buy". My children are raised and on their own but when they were young I did go to work when my son was almost five. I was fortunate to have my mother fill my shoes before and after school. They did't have a clue what "daycare" meant.<P>You have my complete understanding what it is like to live with a husband gone ALL of the time. My x is a "owner/operator" of his own semi trucking business. Try to get them to listen, understand or change hauling practices to help raise kids and be a husband! My world revolved around his world. I was on hold, he wasn't. One day I'm in charge, the next I'm not. Kids grew up and were gone from home. Then throw into the mix, one event, one dumb stupid event, I gave into my weakness and was honest with him about it. Don't know what to call it besides very wrong, but "it" wasn't an affair.<P>The marriage was BAM over as far as he was concerned. Done, get out, the rest is history. Then over time, after living on my own and divorcing my x I had numerous confessions from "the other woman" who had knocked on my door to tell me face to face of their affair. The best man from our wedding told me he had been at a brothel in Nevada with my x 30 days after we had said our vows. There were so many "others" and I had NO CLUE!<P>Yes I definately need "Boundries"!<P>Thanks for taking the time to answer me I do appreciate it so much.<P>Ragamuffin

Ragamuffin...<P>Thank you, but I am ready to start back to work..well..Not ready..but its a need at this point..since were going to be ending the<BR>marriage..whats sad though is that H still doesn't see that his being gone was his own<BR>choice..and not mine..and I can't make him see that..even a counselor couldn't make him see it..oh well..I don't need the abuse anymore either..so why try if he doesn't see he also needs to change..he says I need to..since I have the problem..his problem now..is I have been changing..he just doesn't like the changes I've been making..OH WELL!!!<P>Good luck on working on you...It does help<BR>in the long run

ThornedRose,<P>I am so sorry that things aren't working out for the two of you. What does your husband do that kept him away so much? Another thing I don't understand is when you asked him to find something that would keep him closer to home he ignored your plea. Then turns the tables on you....your fault? NOT! Seems to me your husband was wanting to be "the single one"!<P>It is impossible to have a marriage when one spouse is gone that amount of time. As far as I am concerned your husband left you emotionally long ago by ignoring your need to have him home, then turning around and laying a guilt trip, he helped to create, back on you. Likewise my x. <P>"Boundries" here we come! Here's to working on ourselves, one and all!<BR>Ragamuffin

He works construction..and many many companies are hiring..Lots and lots of building going on here..<P>5 yrs ago I had typed up his resume at his request and even mailed some out to other companies..he even had a few calls..I gave him the msg but he never returned their calls..<P>I agree..thats what I told him too that HE left..and has refused to come home..and since<BR>he has refused over the years to look for another job and to come home..(our youngest started school this year) I was like..okay<BR>fine..enough..even as of this past summer I'd asked him to look for another job..he still didn't so I just was like..fine..don't bother at all..and when you come into town from now<BR>on to see the kids make sure you have someplace else to stay because your not staying here anymore..<P>And again he thinks it's because of OM but it's not..it's I'm tired of asking him to come home..I had to realize he just doesn't want to be here..no matter what he says...<P><BR>I think my A was one of those to get H's attention things..one last ditch effort to make him look at his family..but oh well..<BR>it didn't make a difference..to him..but it sure did to me...cause it showed me things that I could actually have in a relationship,<BR>even if OM and I never are together in the long run he gave me alot in the way of self-respect..and looking at my own needs..<BR>and what is missing in the marriage..(the other spouse) but even b4 OM I had told H I was changing and he wouldn't like the changes..I'd already started counseling..<BR>so it's his loss..<BR>