Carl,<p>You're asking a bunch of different questions and I'll try to take a stab at them here:<p>If your wife is not cooperating with your efforts to repair the marriage, then she's either in withdrawal herself or at least in conflict. <p>Is it worth it? Sure. If you have kids, that's a very important consideration. Even if you don't, you both took vows to care for each other until death, and you've lost sight of this and are thinking of quitting because the going is getting a little rough. And if you don't try to fix your marriage, and the ways that you treat each other; you're pretty much doomed to repeat the same mistakes with #2, #3, etc (until you finally do figure out how to fix it). You can fix it now, so why not try.<p>To use the marriagebuilders principles here, it would help if your wife and you get familiar with them. If she won't, you should definitely do it anyway. Give and Take is a great starter. Love Busters and HNHN deals with the specifics of the 'love busters' and 'emotional needs' side of the question. 'Surviving an Affair' brings all these concepts into a plan on how to survive an affair.<p>Anyway, learn this stuff. Then see if your wife will do a love busters questionnaire with you (both fill them out). If she won't, then ask her to do one and go over it with her. She should identify all your lovebusters. You should listen to them with NO RESPONSE (other to clarify points). No defense, no reactions. Just get the information. No matter how 'unfair' her points may sound, it's how SHE FEELS, and that's really all that matters. After this, you should sit down and agree to a plan to eliiminate these. This plan should be 'jointly agreed' on (see the policy of Joint Agreement, and pay attention to 'making negotiation safe'). Then eliminate those lovebusters, and see how your wife feels about things after a couple good months. Try to do the best job possible: remember that you should never benefit at your wife's expense, and you should follow that for your lovebusters (as well as requests for her to fullfil your needs).<p>After a month or so, have your wife do an 'emotional needs questionnaire'. Again, listen to her information without any responses. Thank her for it. Make plans to meet her needs. Then do it.<p>Easy. Throw in the 'rule of time', the rule of complete honesty, the policy of joint agreement, and soon you'll have a happy marriage.<p>You need to demonstrate to your wife a long-lived sincerity to the reconciliation process. You have to establish a consistant track record (Steve Harley's words), and you have to make an environment where she feels safe, loved, and wants to participate in this recovery process. You may have to do it on your own for a while, but it should work rather quickly (6-12 months) if there are no other 'external' factors (an affair).<p>Try to integrate all this with your marriage counselor. 'Divorce Busting' is supposedly a very good book (I haven't read it).<p>Specific questions: getting a lawyer or seeking a separation is generally a bad idea unless the marriage has seriously deteriorated. You really didn't describe much of your situation, but it doesn't sound like you are there. You can always contact a lawyer, but it sends a very negative message to your spouse (were she to find out, and I would suggest keeping no secrets from her). If you don't contact a lawyer and you fail and she takes you for everything you're worth: well, that's the flip side. <p>Try not to involve any family in this situation until you absolutely have to. Use your counselor to lean on, and perhaps one other close, trusted male friend. Don't go looking for advice or sympathy from people who have divorced: this is a generalization, but you want a couple of people who can support your efforts to save your marriage.<p>Good luck. By the way you come across on your posts, I'd say that 'disrespectful judgements' is a problem that you should work on. I offer this only because your style reminds me of myself...<p>:-)<p>(I just read your history under 'Separation...'. I don't think that you're really ready for a separation yet, but you both have a lot of work to do. It is possible to fix a marriage; it just takes work and the ability to put one's ego aside. It helps immensely if both parties are involved. If your wife can't agree to this, 'Surviving an Affair' would be an appropriate approach to the question of 'how long to I endure?').<p>[This message has been edited by K (edited 12-07-98).]
