TooTired:<P>How long were you married? Your wife is 27 and I am assuming you are around the same age. I hate to say this, but perhaps she got married too young. People get married for all kinds of reasons and have all kinds of expectations, some that have nothing to do with what a marriage is and should be.<P>I work in a field that deals with divorced and separated individuals. On a weekly basis, I see more broken marriages than most see in a lifetime. I have learned that there are no concrete reasons...not usually. Most people decide to change after the fact...when its too late. I think the secret is to always be considerate and treat your spouse with care and love...from the first date and onward. Most of us don't do that. And here we are. <P>I am sure some folks can change, but I think the older person is the harder it is to change. Someone who has been basically selfish for 45 years is not going to have an easy time not being that way...no matter how much he or she wants to change. <P>If your wife has issues with her past than she is going to have to face them and slay that dragon. As much as you love her, you can't fight that battle for her. It is so very difficult living what you are going through; however, you can't blame yourself. If you have truly tried, given it your absolute best, how can you berate yourself? A marriage is two people. One can't do it no matter how hard you try.<P>Take Care. <P>

Jayhawk & others who have not found out about an affair,<P>I can't tell you how much I feel for you. The things that your W's are saying are about the same things I listened to for 4 months:<P>"You're the same man I married, I've changed."<P>"You're a fantastic person and a fantastic father."<P>"You shouldn't do nice things because you love me, you should do them for yourself."<P>"I need to find out who I am."<P>Well let me tell you guys, these are, as I found out, the plaintive sounds of a feline in love with some Tomcat. Don't believe a word you hear, rather believe everything you see. She was nice as pie to me for those 4 months, then announced it was over. The very next day, D DAY COMETH!!! From that point on (and be ready for this when your D DAY comes), you will be accused of everything under the sun. You will hear denial like a CIA agent behind enemy lines (remember Colonel Flagg from MASH?).<P>All these things they're saying are like code for "how in love they are with OP."<P>B E W A R E !!!!<P>Your D-day awaits you!!<P>Case in point, poor ol' HurtingInOmaha. It was obvious to me (as my story was obvious to others before I found out) that his W was on that "cheatin' side of town" ala Eagles "Lyin' Eyes."<P>Jay<p>[This message has been edited by catamount82 (edited October 13, 2000).]

To Everyone in this post!<P>I am sitting here reading your posts, Crying.<BR>Sometimes I come to MB just to read others things and I don't respond, I have not written anything since my 1st post several months ago. I just wanted to say thanks for being here for me even though you didn't know I was here.<P>My STBX was/is abusive. I am leary of other men at this time, or maybe of my self. I am affraid I won't see the signs of an abuser in the next one, if there is one.<P>I am so pleased to see(read) that there are loving men out there that are willing to change!!! to grow for the benefit of themselves as well as for their wives. It is very painful at the same time. Why couldn't my H change for him self?<P>The only thing that keeps me from going off the deep end is my faith. although I feel some days that it's a huge struggle for even faith.<P>I pray all the time! I did before too, I wonder why my prayers were not answered that my H would releive his abuse and be nice, and loving? Maybe, they are finally answered now. Now, that I have the strength to realize the abuse and have the strength to leave.<P>I am sorry to interupt the discussion. But I was very touched buy the prior posts. It was very toughing to read the love for God, yourselves and spouses, and the willingness to grow and change as individuals. <P>I am babbling now, I am so emotional right now. I hope I have been able to express in words what I am thinking and feeling.<P><BR>

Sweet,<P>I feel deeply for your pain in life. <P>He is that way for a reason, but he may never change unless he admits that he has a problem and takes action to change it.<P>You may need to think about seeing someone that can help you with your feelings. Not all men are like him, and their is no reason for you to go through life in fear. You deserve better, please take care of yourself.<P>catamount82,<P>While it is very unfortunate that your situation turned out the way that it did, no would wish that upon you, it is unfair to assume that everyone else in a similar situation will have the same outcome. Most people here have at one time or another had those very same fears in their marriage, but positive reinforcement of an unproven assumption on your part is not what they need now. Almost everyone here is in some stage of an emotional rollercoaster, and to promise them the worst with such conviction, especially on a situation that you have little knowledge of except for your own experience, is unhealthy at best. Yes, it is possible, yes a percentage of members will learn the worst, but we all know that while hoping for the best.<P>Sounds like you're a little angry right now, feel free to vent, but maybe with a little compassion towards others feelings.<BR><P>------------------<BR>I am in this situation for a very good reason, it just took time to get over my own self-pity and understand why.

You know I've gotten alot of info off this site and it's been a tremendous help as have all of you who have replied. I was all prepared to right a lavish response to all the posts but there really isn't anything new to write. I read Sotired's posts and except for the ages in our spouses, his life parallels mine and word for word I could have written those posts. Lonelysoul you touched a nerve with me too, only because I know for fact that none of that would apply to my situation either but I can also understand where you're coming from too. I know I'm not perfect and I don't turn a blind eye to those imperfections. There is nothing I wouldn't do for my wife then and now, and I always and I mean always told her how much I loved her and appreciated her. Something went wrong somewhere, yet she still refuses to even talk to me about it. But before this happened I was, her words here, a great husband, everything a woman could want, a wonderful father, etc, etc, etc, she never let on that she was unhappy about anything. I don't understand, I guess that's why I'm here, trying to put together the pieces of a puzzle and finding it very difficult because there seems to be pieces missing. So I'll continue to try and get the truth from her, I'm not badgering her in anyway but I'll not give in either. I had to let her go, but as Fox Mulder is fond of saying the truth is still out there, whether it hurts or not it's something I think we both need to address before either of us can fully move on an find closure to this whole ordeal. Thanks for posting. Jax

Catamount82:<BR>I'm sorry that your wife had an affair and can only imagine the intense emotions that go along with that, but keep in mind that not all failed marriages involve infidelity. Affairs in a marriage are nothing more than the result of deeper issues within the marriage. The person having an affair is getting something from the other person that they are not getting from their spouse. Have you figured out what was wrong in your marriage which caused your wife to stray? If you haven't, then I strongly suggest that you do or you'll soon learn that history does repeat itself and you'll be going through this all over. I am not denying that my STBX could be having some type of affair, either EA or PA, but for many reasons that I'm not going into, she is hiding it very well if she is involved with OM. <P>Lonely Soul:<BR>You kind of struck a nerve with me as well, but I understand that your story is different than mine so I don't hold a grudge I'm not a perfect person, and I now know that I was not meeting some of my wife's needs emotionally, but she NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER expressed a single thing to me that she was unhappy or unfulfilled. I'm sure that she's hurting, angry, depressed, probably unhappy AND she has the right to be. But a part of me never forgive her for not even trying to talk to me about this. We had a very good relationship and still have a great deal of love and respect for one another, but she cheated me and hurt me beyond comprehension because of her silence.<P>What else can I do now but accept that we had problems, our marriage is over, learn from this experience and move on?<P>Mike:<BR>Will our similarites ever end? IF our marriages ever work out, the four of us need to get together on a week long cruise!<BR> <BR>StillPraying:<BR>Very eloquent and well said. Glad to hear that you are feeling better with your meds. <P>RWD:<BR>I agree that until our wives have their own issues, they will never be happy. My wife definately has some issues from her past that she needs to deal with before she will ever be truly happy and able to commit herself to another relationship without the same result as this one. I really hope she is able to do this and that she finds the happiness she is seeking. I just wish she'd let me be there for her as I am one person in this world who will always love and support her no matter what happens. I even helped her with some of the furniture when she moved out! How many men can say that?<P>------------------<BR>JH93

Jayhawk,<P>Yes, I think in many many marriages someone is not getting everything they need from their spouse. We are both professionals who work long hours, we have one child and the daily grind and routine can get to one. Usually the one who is the more extroverted suffers the most under these circumstances. Throw in a midlife crisis, a W who never wanted children and then suddenly in 1995 at the age of 37 gets "pitter pats" to have a child, and me getting a new high caliber job in 1999 requiring even more hours and it is a recipe for disaster.<P>A little about the midlife crisis. After turning 40, W complains frequently about her age. She goes on exercise regime, drops 20 lbs., transforms her appearance from "Talbots" to "Vicky's Secret", leases a Mercedes, which we could ill afford, and to top it off, starts an affair with her HS crush. To those who have seen my posts before, sorry for being repetitious. This is deep deep MLC, the new car, the new look, and reliving it with the same guy she had when she really was young. Yes, I acknowledged that we could have ditched the child a little more often and gone off for more romantic weekends. Yes, I acknowledge that we could have gone on more extravagant vacations to fill the growing void within her. But, we only have one child, and this is the only time we were going to be parents of a young child and I entirely relish it. She will be 5 in January. W has been so selfish, going away nearly every weekend last summer, leaving D behind with me, D in agony because Mommy would never say where she was going or how to get a hold of her, cruising around in her Mercedes draped in gold, and losing all focus on our family unit.<P>This is the real root of the demise of the marriage. W even said, "I've changed, you're still the same fantastic guy I married." Well, then why couldn't she work at it? Parenting definetly changed her free spirit life and her MLC just exacerbated things. Could I have done more? Probably. But I think everyone here can or woulda shoulda coulda.<P>When an extrovert like my wife basically "snaps," look out for numero uno baby. Ask any of her girlfriends. They think she's out of control and out of her mind.<P>Sorry to sound bitter, but lack of maturity from a 42 year old woman is the primary problem here.<P>Jay<P>P.S. My W hid her A very well, even to the point of taunting me that I couldn't find anything strange on the phone bills. What I didn't know at the time is that 3 months of them were missing, sent to a girlfriends house. They are merciless when intoxicated by the newness and the feeling from the OP.<p>[This message has been edited by catamount82 (edited October 14, 2000).]

Catamount82:<BR>I didn't mean to jump you, it's just that I don't want to jump to conclusions about my wife w/o proof. I respect her too much for that. I know everyone has a story and people do change. I would agree that everyone who knows my wife thinks she has lost her mind. We are both young, 27/30 and in the infancy of our professional careers. We started to live the dream, a cute little house, nice cars, nice clothes, living above our means, the perfect American Dream. But it wasn't enough for her, or maybe just not what she wanted. Unlike others I have read about, she moved out and has taken a huge step backwards in my opinion. Her apartment is in an old run-down neighborhood and the apartment itself is in an old run-down building. But it's what she could afford given her situation and she found this place on her own. She was starving for independance, and now she has it. Her decisions may not be the best, but I'm sure she's doing the best she can. And if there is OP in her life, she better be treated well or that person will be in for a world of hurt! <P>------------------<BR>JH93

Reading all these posts....<P>Isn't this all just so much fun !<P>But I am sure that everything is in fact happening for a reason. Finding all you friends out there happened for a reason: I now know that I am not alone in my problems. Up until I started coming here, I thought divorces happen because of serious problems only - like drugs, abuse, etc... I never thought that they could happen for small issues (that continue over time) - but now I see that those issues chipping away at a marriage can be just as dangerous as the "biggies".<P>I do learn so much from being here everyday and I am glad that God led me to such great people such as yourselves. Know that I try to include you all in my prayers each morning. Thanks to all for the continued support - I only can hope that some of my comments help you in some way.<P>God Bless!<P>