I am considering a divorce. Although the OW and I confronted my husband in June and she stated that she did not want anything else to do with him their relationship continues. Would it be wrong of me to sue her for emotional damage ? Or should I just let her be and go on with my life?

I guess if you sue her you'd also need to sue your spouse as well. Just make sure you have all the reciepts and everything from your <BR>counseling so that you can "prove" some form of emotional distress..

Suing is something I gave very serious thought to and even consulted my lawyer. In my state there aren't any alienation of affection laws. Even if there were, I wouldn't have had much to stand on because he pursued her at times. I also asked about emotional distress and got the same answer. My husband chose to be with HER or so my attorney said. I didn't get a second opinion so maybe others out there know more about it. I would do it if I could.

A personal injury lawsuit (this is NOT the same as Alienation of Affection) does NOT have to have your husband in it. You CAN sue her for emotional damage if it took place before you were separated and it was done intentionally. I know of two women in two different states that are doing just that right now. Attorneys have taken the cases and seem confident in winning.<P>Should you do this? I have two feelings about this actually. If you do this, I feel it will send a message to people that this is WRONG, punishable by law, and will not be tolerated. I think it is better for society at large to have these type of cases go before the court.<P>However, you must also weigh what this may do to you. If your motivation is revenge, I would say let go of it and move on. It will do more damage to you than good. If your motivation is justice and you can do this without causing yourself more pain, do it. We need strong people like you standing up for all of us.<P>And just a small P.S., my STBX is URGING me to sue the OW!!! He now hates her, feels she has ruined his life and wants to see her pay. So much for romantic affairs.<p>[This message has been edited by popeye (edited October 16, 2000).]

I really wanted to sue the OW and I even went so far as to schedule an appt with an attorney. I then found out that Alienation of Affection laws had been repealed in my state. I do know this lawyer has been winning these cases, but I decided to let it drop for several reasons. (1) I don't have the money for a lengthy legal battle (2) OW is not wealthy by any stretch of the imagination so it would strictly be a moral victory (which would be fine, but I would need $ to pay the lawyer) (3) I felt I needed to "let it go". There's part of me that wants to sue her, but I feel almost desperate to move on with my life and leave exH and OW to their own lives. Yes, they are still together after almost 2 years. Does it hurt me? God yes!!! I think I could handle all this so much better if they would just break up. But that is unlikely to happen at this point. And what if she decides to take out her anger with me on my kids? I probably haven't helped matters much here, but I wanted you to know what I've been through with this decision. Good luck.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

Here's what I don't get:<P>The OW isn't the one who broke your vows, your H did... and remember, I've been cheated on several times by my stbx... but I would NEVER sue the OW. I frankly think it's wrong. <P>I honestly want to know... what do you think it would accomplish?<P>Again, no flames from this corner, because I've been there, faced one of the OW and it was sickening (she carried her Bible and said he loved us both - puke). <P>So, tell me... besides revenge... <P>...especially in the case of jacqueline, who said the OW said she wanted nothing else to do with her H...it seems like it would only fuel the fire, not put it out.<P>Thank you in advance. I really am curious what you think.

<BR>n_b,<P>Look at catnip's case. Her H has bipolar disorder and alcoholism to boot. He got angry at catnip, flew to a business convention, and portrayed himself as some corporate hotshot. The OW then set out to get pregnant to live off the child support she expected to garner from a man she believed was earning a handsome, six figure salary. <P>Before you make the argument that "people wouldn't try and live off child support," be advised that: (a) the tax-free child support amount ordered by the court was on a par with her imputed gross income, and (b) although in her mid 30s, the OW is still living rent-free with her parents.<P>In general, I agree with you. Its almost always the wayward spouse that should be held accountable. But there are cases where I don't think OWs should be held harmless. Catnip's case is one of them.<P>Bystander

Ah, bystander...<P>Yes, I agree in a case like catnip's...to a point. Because let's face it... had catnip's H kept his woo-hoo in his pants, none of this would be happening! Yes, I agree that it's gawd-awful what some OW are willing to do to keep "their" man, and don't get me started on how much I detest the OW (s) in my H's case. But THEY did not cheat on me, THEY had no invested interest in me or our children, <B>HE DID</B>.<BR> <BR>Now, you know I'm gonna go here... I was an OW, so although I have not had this happen to me, I can imagine the fear in the hearts of OW who, like me, made a terrible decision to have an affair and regret it. I take full responsibility and I've done everything possible to rectify the situation. I made a horrible mistake, and the thought that the OM's sig. other could sue me makes me sick, sicker than I already feel for what I did. One time, that's all it took for me to realize my mistake, to pull me out of the fog. But, one time is all it takes, eh? A three month affair that yielded one hop in the sack, and my life as I know it has been forever changed already... I am, after all, getting divorced. <P>So, I should be punished (financially, if not emotionally by being humiliated) for the rest of my life for making a mistake? I am already being punished by my stbx (or have been, I should say, since we're getting along better now than the last two years of our marriage). How much more should I suffer?<P>So, as you can see, I see this from both sides. Of course, I'm not a manipulating b**** who tricked the OM or got pregnant, but a precident can be set and people (esp. women, I think) who are remorseful and horrified by their actions (like me) can and will be dragged through the court system.<P>Scary stuff.<p>[This message has been edited by new_beginning (edited October 16, 2000).]

new beginning,<P>I`m sorry, but I have to disagree.. my ex and his OW are/were both married, and knew exactly what they were/are BOTH!!!!!!! doing..!! it is a choice they made.. and in the interm.. it effected me, my child, and broke up my family, and she, (his OW) has two grown kids as well.. <P>When I found out my mom and dad were getting a divorce (yrs ago) at 25 yrs old.. it still devastated me.. and to this day, I have less respect for my dad.. for having an ow, who was also married!!!! this means TWO people took the initiative, and let it go on and on for yrs... <P>my point being, even her two grown kids.. now know what their own mother did, and is doing, to this day.. Nice woman huh!! oh please.. there is no excuse on either side.. llets get real here, he was not the only one with his pants down... if she condones it.. then there is fault.. <P>when any one takes an interest in some one, KNOWING!!!! the other is married.. they are at as much fault as the spouse..!!! <P>I will always hate it when some one makes ecuses and takes a stand for these slimy woman.. any woman, that does this, has no concients.. and there for, it is wrong.. if it doesn`t last.. oh well.. it is still her doing wrong.. and if it does last.. then that person was a prime reason for the divorce.. <P>thats just my opinion.. and you can say what ever it is you feel as well.. because it is obviously a free country.. or so it seems.. because any one can have any one they want.. and they all get away with it.. over and over and over.. <P>not for nothing, but since I (suddenly) became single.. I have had more married men approach me and coming on to me, THINKING!!! they are going to get some where, because perhaps I am vulnerable.. wrong person though.. NOT!!!!!! but what do these slim bags know other then thinking with the wrong head!!!<P>thats the way of the world.. and no one cares any more who they hurt along the way.. it is one for all and all for one.. sad but very, very true...<P><BR>there is a small minority of good people.. but too bad there are not enough of us..<P>AV<P>

numbheart,<P>First of all, I am so sorry for your pain. I've been there, believe me. I know how it feels to be on the receiving end of infidelity, to watch your marriage die... and to have come-on's by married men - disguisting.<P>That said, not everyone who gets involved in an affair is a slime-ball. I was one of those people, and I was WRONG, WRONG, WRONG, to do it... but I was not a piece of trash. In fact, in Jim's notable posts, I began a thread with that name, just for this reason. <P>It's so easy to blame the OP. I know, I was there, and there is no life in it. I stalked the one OW (there have been many, as I've said on numerous occasions), listened to the music she gave my H over and over until I thought I'd go insane, and dreamed about "outing" her to welfare (she was working and getting money under the table) as well as calling her parents (she lived with them) and basically giving her a life of hell on earth. I hated her! I spoke to another OW's H, and he devised a plan to get his W pregnant, which he did, and ask her to stay home and care for the kids. She might have, but my H got fired from his job before I could find out what would have happened. Another OW wrote my H notes in the middle of the night... "I listen to this song and think of you"... so see, numbheart, I know of the pain that drives your anger. <P>Thing is, all of David's OW, except this last one, let go when he told them he had to end things. Not easily, but they did. They were basically hurting women who my H duped into believing that he would leave me for. He had no intention of leaving me. HE WAS AT FAULT.<P>That's how I see it.<P>Again, I am truly sorry for the pain you carry. It's heavy, isn't it. <p>[This message has been edited by new_beginning (edited October 16, 2000).]

well New beginning,<P>I don`t see it that way.. sorry again.. but I disagree.. they knew what they were taking a chance on and did it any way.. I look at that as their own fault.. not your H.. and if your H had left you.. for OW, and it did work out, and they wound up, lving together, BOTH KNOWING THE FACTS!!! sorry.. both are wrong.. <P>it is not just my situation. it is others here as well.. if some one KNOWS JUST WHAT THEY **ARE** DOING.. BOTH ARE WRONG.. I SEE IT *NO* OTHER WAY... <P>and to each his own.. I for one will never forgive my ex, or his ow, for breaking up our family.. I truely feel if he hadn`t of had some one to lean on, he would have worked at our marriage.. it is too easy to leave and have a good time else where, instead.. starting over with some one new, make for all new adventures to come.. this is now the way of the world.. easy outs!! <P>I am sorry for your situaitons as well.. they sound awful... I thank you for your opinion.. thats fine for you.. but sorry not for me.. <P>take care new beginning.. <P>AV<P>

<BR>Sheryl,<P>You opined:<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Yes, I agree in a case like catnip's...to a point. Because let's face it... had catnip's H kept his woo-hoo in his pants, none of this would be happening!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Catnip's H was having a rather severe bipolar episode when he impregnated the OW. He was not, in my estimation, capable of rational thought. Because of this, I have a very difficult time assigning to him sole responsibility for what happened. I don't think there are many cases where an OW should be flattened by a tort lawsuit, but this is one of them.<P>Bystander

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by new_beginning:<BR><B>That said, not everyone who gets involved in an affair is a slime-ball. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I hesitate to support any blanket statements as there are always exceptions to the rule, but i have yet to see one. <P>OW #1 knew my H was married.<P>OW #2 knew my H was married, planned a pregnancy, told me about it to get me out of the way, and told me she could wait as long as it took because she wasn't going anywhere and she knew I was.<P>OW #3 has been sneaking around my back for 8 years. She is married, abandoned her kid and husband to live with my H.<P>OW #4 also knew my H was married. She says he told her we were living as "roommates" (same lie he is telling me about OW #3), but she wasn't allowed to call him at home or on our business line.<P>They ALL knew he was married. They ALL did their part in covering things up. None of these women ever called my H at home. None ever came to my house. None ever thought about what this was doing to our family and never gave me any compassion. They were as selfish as he was and did not give a rat's A** about me.<P>And that is the beauty of the personal injury law. The plaintiff has to PROVE INTENTIONAL mental abuse. If the OW truly does not know that there is a marriage, if she has not done anything intentionally to hurt the wife or family, she is legally off the hook. No, I support this law and anyone who wants to use it to get back some of what was taken from her.

<BR>popeye,<P>I love your posts. <P>Bystander

Okay,<P>I'll just have to agree to disagree here. <P>I have been where you all have (barring the pregnancy of OW issue, which carries it's own merit here re: child support issues, etc.), and I will never completely blame the OW (although I won't think fondly of them, of course). <P>I will ALWAYS blame my stbx for breaking my trust in him, just as she should blame ME for my infidelity, NOT the OM.<P>By the way Bystander, my understanding of emotional illness is that it does not make you do things you would not normally do... i.e. does not make you lose your moral compass. I was clinically depressed (diagnosed and on anti-deps), but I damn well knew I was screwing up my life. I didn't care. But I knew.

nb,<P>I disagree - I think mental illness does cause you to do things you would not otherwise do. A man, a good father by all reports, in our town slit his children's throats and murdered his wife by hitting her over the head with an ax while she was sleeping - I certainly do not believe that that is something he would have normally done. What about the schizophrenic Amishman in a town nearby who disemboweled his wife? Is that something he would have normally done?

nb,<P>You said, in one statment, "just as she should blame me, for my infidelity"<P>that is you blaming your self.. the OW!!! that is a contrdiction as to what you said right before that, that you will never totally blame the OW.. <P>I`m not saying any one denies the FACT that it is the spouses fault 100% for his/her infidelity.. I am just saying, it takes two to make the same mistakes.. and it takes two/both to cause the pain, IF KNOWING ABOUT THE MARRIAGE (s) INVOLVED.. <P>yes some OW`s are lied to, and in that case, AND ONLY THAT KIND OF CASE! is it unfair to blame the OW.. she was totally betrayed also.. <P>on the other hand.. If you ever watched Ophra, and saw Dr. Phil McGraw.. he is a relationship adviser.. and wrote a few books.. and it *is* any ones and every ones fault who took place in the act! if of full knowledge of means behind the act!!!! meaning.. fully aware of knowing there are marriages involved and kids involved, and other woman/men/spouses still involved.. <P>you can not disgurad the facts.. BY YOU EVEN DOING IT YOUR SELF, AND ADMITING YOU WERE WRONG.. is illogical that you still defend these OW/OM.. sorry AGAIN..! but I will take a stand with it being totally wrong.. and thats my final answer.. (please take that with a grain of salt/humor.. because that is how I meant it to be..)<P>end of my opinion...AV

wow <B>nellie</B>, you really let me have it, eh? Alright, you make a valid point. I am probably wrong.<P><B>numbheart</B>, I blame myself for what I did to MY HUSBAND. He should blame **me** too! But as for being the OW, yes, the OM's sig. other can hate me, and I don't blame her for that. But she needs to put BLAME on her sig. other for breaking his vows (they are not married, but do live together) to her. I didn't cheat on her, I cheated on my H. My husband did not cheat on the H's of his OW, he cheated on ME.<P>Am I making any sense? Didn't think so... I'm even getting confused.<P>My point is this: I put blame on the person who breaks the vows. <P>And so that I'm clear about this one thing: I have forgiven my stbx, and he has forgiven me. But you never forget... I have never forgotten his affairs of years ago. It still hurts. When I look back, I don't see manipulating OW, I see <B>my H hurting me</B>. And when all is said and done, that's what matters, isn't it?

I would think in you situation it is what happened.. in mine.. this OW came to know me and my whole family, and is now with my ex.. who never came back.. so this is BOTH THEIR FAULLS... <P>can you see where I am coming from?? I know what you are saying.. but the thing is, if two people are BOTH MARRIED!! they BOTH broke the vows, yes, but if the Ow is not married, but knows the H is married.. she is HELPING HIM IN BREAKING HIS VOWS.. and that is called intent!! in a court of law.. <P>this is a matter of each case.. yes if ow no longer is around, (as in your case) I cna only see to blame the one that hurt YOU!.. but to me, this woman, befreinded me and my daughter, with HER HUSBAND! before this affair got started.. there for, IN MY CASE.. she is wrong.. and still is around.. and will be around for quite some time, or maybe even wind up marrying my ex! so now I have a life time of this torture to look froward to, for me, and my daughter, who knows this woman was the one that came into our lvies and helped to screw it up... <P>sorry if I sound a bit angry.. but I am... and nothing can convince me of anything different.. there is no *good* *decent* excuse for what the TWO OF THEM! have done, to two families.. they are BOTH TO BLAME...<P>AV

numbheart,<P>Yes, I see where you're coming from.<P>How about this? The OM in my situation, and in fact two of David's OW were NOT MARRIED. Both of the OW I'm thinking of were divorced/ single with children, and the OM was living with his sig. other but refused to marry her (for whatever reason, doesn't really matter). Now who do you blame? <P>Because if you're going to blame the OP, then it doesn't matter if they were single or not, does it?<P>Again, this is just my opinion, and god knows I am in no position to judge anyone. Plus, I have lived this pain. I am living it now, as we speak. I have anger too. I will never forget what infidelity has done to my life, to my family, to my precious children (even though they are older. As someone mentioned earlier, no matter how old you are it hurts! I understnad that too, as my parents seperated when I was 38, and I felt like I was 8 again!!). <P>My life as I knew it is over too. No matter who's FAULT it was. It is.