Found out last night that there is an affair and I moved out of the house.<P>My wife has apparently been involved for sometime with a person she blieves is her sole mate.<P>The divorce is now going to get nasty! I am seeing my Therapist at 11 to sort this out.

Oh hurting,<P>I'm so sorry. This kind of goes along with that one thread, and I don't remember who started it, along the lines of "is there always an affair?" My opinion has always been that there usually is. This is so sad.<P>I know you are crushed right now and I'm glad you have a therapist you like. Don't know what else to say except you are a good person and really tried, and I'm very sad for you. Take care, God bless.<P><P>------------------<BR><BR>Kathy

I am so sorry to hear this! I have read several of your previous posts and always admired your efforts and strength throughout your problems. <P>I sincerely hope you can find the strength again to focus on yourself and get through this-you are a great person and deserve to be happy!<P>Good luck to you, you are in my thoughts!

Hurting,<P>I don't know much about your situation and i certainly don't want to barge in with unsolicited advice, BUT be careful about moving out.<P>I strongly suggest you seek legal counsel on this issue. I was once where you are and i thought about moving out myself. Ultimately i did not, so she did. Looking back it was the right thing for me. <P>Also, remember that having just discovered the affair means this is the worst possible time to be making BIG decisions. Seeing the counselor sounds like a good idea.<P>

Omaha:<BR>I'm so sorry to hear this. I know how much you have been trying to work things out and this news must have been a shock. <P>How did you find out? Did you confront her or did she come to you with the news?<P>I agree about being cautious when it comes to making big decisions right now. My only advice would be to try and cool down a little and let the emotions work their way out before doing anything too drastic. Remember your kids. Don't let your emotions or reactions help your wife to justify what she has done.<P>------------------<BR>JH93

Hi Hurting,<P>Sorry to hear the news. You are seeking help in a real good place, I hope you have read some of Dr. Harley's articles on what happens to a person when the WS is confirmed. First panic, then anxiety, and you are going to be in for a three or four week ride on the emotional roller coaster. I feel for you, and whoever you are, you are in my prayers. <P>Bumper

HIO, My thoughts and prayers are with you. I know how much you wanted to work at your marriage, please take this time for you and don't make any fast decisions. Think of the kids don't leave the home, let her leave. You didn't change the family situation, she did. Hang in there it hurts like *&@* but it does get better with time.

Omaha - I just don't know what to say. I am so hurt for you. I know, from following your posts, that you really want to save your marriage and that you've tried hard. The counselor is the best thing to do right now. Don't do anything about living arrangements right now while you try to sort things out. While things look really dark right now, don't give up hope yet.<P>Keep working as long as there is any hope. And keep praying. The first things to pray for is peace and strength.<P>

Omaha,<P>Well just got back on the board under a new name and read this post and have to say to ya that I am REALLY SORRY that this has happened to you!<P>No words could ever comfort this kind of news, but I surely can say to ya that you have a true friend here to write to if you need it!<P>As I can see you also have lots of others support here as well. Just hang in there buddy and take it day to day!<P>What Cinderella said about NOT making big changes right now is right on the money...SHE is the one that did this, need to stand your ground and DEFINATELY seek the help from the counselor!<P>Keep the chin up as much as you can!<P>Drew

Ted,<P>Know the feelings all well!<P>I called my sponsor and told him everything...<P>First words out of his mouth...Study the spiritual principles of the 1st 4 traditions!<P>What a relief I got from that!<P>Hang in there!!<P>Love You Brother.<P>Bill

Hey omaha!<P>I'm sorry as is everyone else here. It seems that this is the norm for these type of things. Somebody told me when my W was ending our marriage (and before I found out about A) that people only end marriages if:<P>1. They're in love with someone else.<BR>2. They're being physically abused.<BR>3. Their spouse is a no good drunk or drug addict who can't earn an income.<P>I went for 4 months of counselling with it ending with W wanting to end marriage. I had no reasonable explanation for why she was doing it. I once told her during the 4 months I'd be relieved if I found out she was having an affair (she insisted not!). Then when I found out, I was relieved for maybe an hour. That was all.<P>Hang in there. It will definetly be her loss and you will emerge riding the high road. she can keep her dark secret from your children. One day, they will find out the truth and you can tell them you tried to keep it together. I am praying for you, me, and all the other men who have two timing tramps for wives and the women who have womanizing husbands.<P>Jay

Omaha,<P>You are receiving good advice here. Don't move out and above all don't make any life altering decisions at this time.<P>There is a chance that the light of day on the affair will cause it to end and you can save your marriage.<P>And if you do divorce, why make it bitter. I do understand the hurt you have but vengence will not take it away and will only prolong it.<P>Hang in,<P>GOD Bless,<P>Bob

thanks to everyone for the heart felt support. I did move out becuase I just could not be around her after this betrayal.<P>I did let her know that I still loved her and that I would welcome her back with open armes should she realize she made a mistake.<P>I doubt this will occur but I needed to say it any way.<P>My kids (5,8,19) are all very upset but their is little I can do other than offer my love and comfort. They all know mom has a new man!<P>Mom even asked the 19 year old to meet the new guy and his response was I do not want to meet him ever! Wonder how she deals with that? Of course the little guys won't have an opportunity to choose!<P>I believe living out of the house will allow me to move forward more quickly. It is going to be expensive but that is the way it goes!<P>Thanks again for all your support.

hurtinginOmaha,<P>I really wish you would consider moving back into the house...<P>...for the sake of the kids!!!<P>--------------------------------------------<P>Yes, the living could be ackward...<BR>...but in time... I'm sure she would be the one to move out...<BR>...<B>it happened with my W</B>...<P>...my W even admitted she was committing adultery... <B>3 weeks after D-day!</B><BR>...said she needed to do it to be happy. <P>--------------------------------------------<P>Your mind is spinning...<BR>Your thoughts are racing..<P>Your #1 priority now is to protect the kids!!!<P>Move back...<BR>Move back...<BR>Move back...<P>Yes... set up seperate spleeping arangements...<BR>Yes... put together a schedule where neither of you will upset the other...<P>but...<BR>Move back...<BR>Move back...<BR>Move back...<P>You think it is going to let you "move forward more quickly"...<BR>...it really won't<P>it will leave issues unresolved...<BR>it will leave the children confused...<BR>it will show them the muster of their father...<BR>it will show the kids... how it isn't important to stand up... and do the harder things in life...<BR>...the staying for them!<P>I'm not talking about staying in your marriage...<BR>I'm talking about staying physically near (same home) as your kids.<P>This is when they need you the most...<BR>...more than you need the comfort of "moving forward quickly".<P>Move back in...<BR>Give your emotions some time to cool...<P>Prayers...<P> <P>Jim

Ditto to what Jim is saying! Stay there! Move Back! My attorney told me under no circumstances do you move out. You can be charged with abandonment, W can have locks changed, and worst of all, OM will move in.<P>My father told me same thing. "Kid, under no circumstances, whatever you do, do not, I REPEAT. DO NOT MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE. I DID AND THE OM MOVED RIGHT IN."<P>DON'T DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<P>Jay

Hi Omaha,<P>I can only repeat what everyone else is saying, don't move out now!! Given what you have posted, pretty good chance you are still in shock, not the best time to make life changing decisions.<P>Big heart aches now, but you aren't the only one this is happening to, it is happening to your kids too. You are in enough pain with out adding the pain of losing daily contact with your children. Just for the fact that she might allow OM to move into the home with the kids increases the probability that you children will be abused by about 7000%, that's right, the kids are in seventy times as much danger if he moves in.<P>My friend, you are in a bad situation, and you may be facing the greatest challenge of life, trying not to do anything that makes the situation any worse than it already is, while you are experiencing mind bending pain. One way or the other, things will get better. I'm praying that you hang in there for your kids and for yourself. Hang in there buddy!!<P>Bumper<P>

{{{{{{{{{Omaha}}}}}}}}<P>So sorry to hear of the "discovery". It is certainly a shocker and I can imagine the pain you are in now.<P>You have received a lot of good advice from a lot of great people here. Sorry I am late.<BR>All I can say is, talk to a lawyer asap regardless to be sure you protect yourself while you are out of the house and also, are you going to let her have custody of the kids? I think if you leave like that, you automatically give it to her, rather than if you want to fight for them. I know it varies by state, but its a thought.<P>I agree that its good to move back until you sort this out. Save that money for your lawyer. But above all, do what you have to do to get through this. <P>Will be thinking of you, <BR>Dana<BR>