Up until about a month ago my wife and I were beginning to communicate via email and a couple phone calls. Before that, we really had not communicated since she moved out in March. But, everytime we spoke(emailed) she would bring up the divorce (still has not filed and to this day has never said the word "divorce", she always talks around it) and an issue about a loan we owe her father.<P>I know her father is very concerned about the loan, wondering how he will be repayed (no paperwork, no signature by me, or anything). My wife never mentioned the divorce issue without including something about the loan. Knowing her father I knew he was putting pressure on her to try and get me to pay it all back now (even though I am only responsible for half).<P>Finally about a month ago I had enough. I sent her a letter(email). In it I said that I don't have money to pay back the full loan, I don't have money to buy her out of our house, and I certainly don't have money for a lawyer. So if she wants to persue this divorce, she needs to know that she will not only be hurting me emotionally, she will most likely force me to give up most of what I own. Because "she" is "not happy" or "in love" anymore.<P>I went even further in asking her if we "are getting divorced just to pay back her father?".<P>Don't get me wrong, the letter was rather lengthy and it was more loving than the above statements exemplify. I told her that I did not want the divorce or approve of it, but that I would not stop her from getting one. And that I still loved her and would like to try again with us, but that it would have to be 100% her decision to come back (last thing I want to do is guilt her back). Or if she wants a "no fault" divorce, we still have a year to go in the waiting period anyway and that I did not intend to settle anything until then.<P>I ended the letter by asking her if she had "ANY" doubts at all, ANY whatsoever, if so, then we should not be rushing into this. I asked her to take her time in making this decision. To make sure this was what she wanted.<P>Now, since that letter I have heard nothing - zilch - zero - nada. Sent one or two real short messages that did not deal with us, but rather our friends, but I got no reply. <BR>Nothing from her lawyer in a month and a half and nothing from her parents.<P>I don't want anymore bad news right now, but not hearing anything is tuff.<P>What do you all think? Is she maybe taking the time to think things through? Or has she just stopped all communication because in her eyes there is no point in it until she is ready to file?<P>What should I do? Let sleeping dogs lie? Or keep sending a message every now and then? BTW: Still in Plan A.<P>On the other hand, not hearing from her - good news or bad news, helps me put it out of my mind and focus on other things. Mainly I am just curious to see your opinions......

SoTired,<BR>I know how the communication thing goes via e-mail, I've been doing that for quite some time now only the responses to my "loving" e-mails has always been met with hostility. Maybe in your case she is thinking things over, but you have to consider that maybe she's had enough and doesn't want to talk about it anymore and sorry to say the next time you hear from her it may not be what you want to hear. I'm not saying that will happen in your case, it did in mine. If she still refuses to respond to your e-mails maybe you should make the effort and call her, because in a lot of cases e-mail can be misconstrued and meanings can be implied that you never even thought about. Sometimes it's better to communicate in person so that all your emotions and feelings can be conveyed via tone of voice and facial expressions. At least think of it this way, you won't have the same chance of a misunderstanding talking in person as you do via e-mail. Good luck. Jax

SoTired,<P>I can't say for sure if her silence is good or bad. I would be more willing to think it's good, otherwise you would be hearing more from her attorney at this point. Remember the saying, NO NEWS IS GOOD NEWS.<P>I kept going through the same thing with the letters and the emails. Finally I started listening to a friend of mine who simply drilled the following phrase into my head, "just leave her alone!"<P>I signed the divorce agreement over a week ago and aside from sending her an email to let her know that they were in the mail, I have not initiated any contact with her. Now I have received 3 emails from her and we are even planning on getting some dinner together next week just to visit. Seeing her name appear in my 'in-box' always stirs the warm and fuzzy bunnies in me! <P>I found out some news which could potentially affect my career and my state of residence in the next few months. She was one of the first people I wanted to call with this news, but this time I didn't. I'm holding off until I see her next week. And even as a shock to myself, I didn't even return her latest email, figuring I'll just wait a few days. This is a very little thing, but it makes me feel a little more in control of the situation, even though I know she is still calling the shots.<P>Keep your chin up. I think you are handling this pretty well. <P>------------------<BR>JH93

SoTired,<P>Try and do what I can't, wait. People tell me it works. <P>JH93,<P>Funny that she wants to go to dinner. Keep it up. I've got a buddy that left his wife a year ago, filed for divorce, now she has someone else, and he's going nuts! He's realized that this isn't what he wanted after all, but he's lost control. (Boy, this better living through chemistry has sure shortened my posts. )<P>------------------<BR>I am in this situation for a very good reason, it just took time to get over my own self-pity and understand why.

Just be careful and be aware of the possible side effects of that chemistry. I have actually fallen asleep at my desk in the middle of the afternoon with very little warning. .....Not the best thing to be doing when one of the senior VP's decides to walk through!<P>Oh well, 'stuff' happens.<P><P>------------------<BR>JH93

Just curious did you get a response to your e-mail yet??<P>Has she offered to pay some of the loan back to her father or are you souly responsible for it?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Jayhawk 93:<BR><B>"just leave her alone!"<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Nice to start off the week with a good laugh Yes I have many a friend saying the same exact thing. It is just sooooo tough sometimes. Even last night I found myself writing a letter to her (which I will not be sending). I think I just get scared that if I don't contact her with nice thoughts she will just convince herself that I have not changed and that what she is doing is best for both of us.<P>I know I should not think like that, but it is just difficult sometimes.<P>ThornedRose,<P>No, I have not heard back from anyone on the topic of the loan or on my email to her. Her dad, being an attorney, knows that he is not in a good position - there is no evidence of the loan whatsoever, except the payments we were making to him. So he knows if I wanted to be a real jerk, I could just say "what loan? No that was a gift to us!". It probably would not hold up in court, but it would cause a lot of problems. He started being a jerk about the payments, so guess what? I stopped all payments and informed my wife that nothing more would be paid until all "this" was settled, so he might as well back off.<P>I am an honorable person and will, when the time comes, pay back "my portion" of what we owe him. And he knows too well that he will never see the half his daughter will be responsible for.

SoTired:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I think I just get scared that if I don't contact her with nice thoughts she will just convince herself that I have not changed and that what she is doing is best for both of us.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>The timing may not be right just yet, but have you ever considered just asking your W what she wants from you or expects from the marriage? I know your process is going to be longer than mine because of the marriage laws in NJ, but you can't continue to live your life in limbo. You love your wife and you want your marriage, but if she has made up her mind, then you're going to drive yourself batty trying to guess what she's thinking. At some point you have to start thinking what's best for you. Remember "the fall/winter of...."<P>At one point, I needed to <B>know</B> what she wanted, regardless of the answer. I just couldn't go on anymore wondering. I kept telling myself not to ask a question unless I was prepared for the answer. I didn't like the answer I got, but at least I knew. Now I know where the marriage stands and I can concetrate on our friendship. I haven't given up the dream of marrying her again, but that's not my focus right now. We fell in love once and if it is God's will, it will happen again. By the way, I never returned her latest email from last week and she called me at work today. Funny how that works! I'm going to get some carry out and go over to her place next week for dinner. At least I'll get to see my cats, which is my only goal of the night <P>------------------<BR>JH93<p>[This message has been edited by Jayhawk 93 (edited October 16, 2000).]

Jayhawk,<P>You are right about asking that question. It is almost time for me to put her on the spot. The next few weeks will be the determining factor though - her brother who she is living with is getting shipped-out and she will need to decide where she is going to go. And my whole job situation will be determining where I will be going (if anywhere). Once both those events happen, it will be time to put things "on the line" and find out where she stands....<P>It will be a very hard conversation, knowing what the outcome may be.....

SoTired,<P>When the time comes for that conversation, my advice to you would be the same you gave me a few weeks back, "Be strong, stronger than you have ever been before." I know this will be a hard talk for you, just be prepared. If you hope for the best, but expect the worst, you'll be ready for anything. Stay civil and talk to her from your heart.<P>You're going to be fine.

Thanks!!!<P>I think I needed to hear that!<P>Mike