I think I can understand where your at here<BR>I too am tired of living a life ignored and<BR>neglected by a spouse who is never here..<BR>Yes I did have an affair..but he's not the reason I want the marriage over..My h stays gone..always has..ignored my requests to find a job where he's home..yet its MY fault we<BR>don't have a marriage..because I had an affair..It's not a MLC it's just I can't take it anymore either..<P>Thats why sometimes I don't feel I fit in on this board..my h left long ago for his work..and I feel his job is the OW..and I can't compete w/ money...Nothing I can do can make him love me more than the money..<BR>I'd rather be dirt poor and happy than have money and be lonely...<BR>

ThronedRose:<P>I am sorry you are in such distress. As I have mentioned before, divorce is not easy on either party. <P>I don't really know your story, but I'm quessing from what you implied that your husband worked a million hours...away from home, and you had an affair. He found out and left. Did you go to counseling or try anything else? <P>My opinion is that sometimes the married couple have two different views on what a marriage is supposed to be. A lot of men think working and making money to be a good provider is their job. They sometimes don't get it that their wive's need some attention, and not just a nod when she asks him a question. Time marches on, a lot of anger gets stored up, the husband is off making his fortune, and the wife is home taking care of the not so glamorous things...the bills, the house, the kids, etc. They sometimes don't get it that money isn't the root to happiness. <P>It is all very confusing. One thing is certain, every couple is different because every person is different. I do thinks some marriages can overcome an affair, but its hard. I also think that unless the betrayer has a pattern of cheating, that by the time the spouse does cheat, the marriage, in his or her eyes is already a done deal. <P>My marriage had lots of problems...some of them were external(caused from illness) and just life. There was also a lot of emotional and verbal abuse that to this day my husband would argue against. During the separation there was also a scary bout of physical abuse. I know in my heart that I am a good and giving person. I don't deserve to be treated like this. My decision to divorce was gut wrenching. Even after I filed, I aganoized over whether I was doing the right thing. I grief the end of it...I do. But, I feel like I don't have any other choice. I just can't and won't take anymore garbage from someone who claims they care for me. If this is what caring is like, I don't think I need it. I would rather be alone.<P>I hope things even out for you. They will...it just takes lots of time and soul searching.<P>Take Care.<P><BR>

Lonely Soul,<P>My husband took this job 3 months into our marriage, no thought to what I might think, or have to say..just came home and said he took it..No discussion on the matter.<BR>Nothing at all..and he was gone..being home <BR>one weekend a month, while he was gone he'd drink..I'd call him to talk and he's drunk..<BR>and I'm sorry I can't carry on a conversation<BR>with a drunk. I was pregnant when he left..<BR>I was working and had another child. I had such a wonderful support system of friends before we married..when we married he didn't<BR>like for me to do things with them..since "I was now married" so I didn't have that anymore..he'd lash out in drunkness about how I am supposed to "FORSAKE ALL OTHERS" when you get married..over the years I have made other friends (couples) but he didn't like to go and do things with them when he was home..<BR>and didn't like my going and doing things when he was gone..since he didn't know where I was, and couldn't just call me..and I be there..I had one friend whose husband was also gone and she had children..so her and I started doing things together..he hated her..<BR>it happened that at one point her spouse and mine were home at the same time..so her and I made plans to get the two families together..<BR>WRONG..he didn't even try to get to know them..when we go to my families house..he goes off by himself..doesn't talk to them..doesn't associate with them..Nothing..<BR>even though they try to talk to him..he just answers in short answers..(something they have seen and I just never paid attention to)<BR>going to his families is different..he and his brothers and in-laws go off and get drunk<BR>and do whatever..and leave me home w/ his mom <P>When he has taken the kids to his mom's w/ him and I've stayed home..he's just dropped them off and took off w/ his brother to go do whatever..and then come in later..they don't spend time w/ him..so now they don't even like to go. <P>Three years ago, he was working on a job that<BR>was going to last a year..so I packed the kids up and we went up there..when he wasn't working he was drinking, or sleeping..when I'd try to talk to him..he'd either be drinking and start accusing me of things..or he'd just get up and walk away..I came home one weekend for a friends wedding..I called in the early evening and he was already drunk..had punched a hole in the wall..scared the kids..ran out of precious alcohol and made the kids go with him (drunk) to go get more..he has given many different reasons as to why he punched a hole in the wall. none of which are logical. But..oh well..<P>A few years before that..he was working a few hours from here on our anniversary..and so I got a sitter for the now 3 kids (my dad, and for me that was hard since I do not trust my dad and had vowed to NEVER ask him for anything)for the night and drove down..I got there at 5 in the evening and he was already drunk. and all the accusations started flying..<P>So I have been struggling w/ this for about 3 years..on if I really want this..for many years I've asked him to look for another job said he would but never has...so I started in counseling and healing myself..and started not taking his abuses anymore..yes, I had an affair..after 9 years of his being gone..this past year..he was out west from Oct-Mar only coming home 3 days at Christmas..I asked him then to look for another job..he said (again that he would, but didn't and still hasn't, hasn't even looked in the paper, I've given him names of companies and phone numbers that are hiring locally..and still nothing) so I <BR>have just come to realize he doesn't want to be here..his job is more important to him than his family...I can accept that..it's been a long struggle for me as well, looking at what I will be giving up as far as being able to stay home w/ my kids, and having so much money a month. My happiness and emotional health are worth more to ME than his paycheck..and I won't sell my soul for money anymore..and thats what it feels like.<P>Which is why I said in the one post..it doesn't matter to me if he made $20,000 a year or $120,000 a year..the money isn't worth it..I'd rather be happy and poor, <BR>than rich and miserable..<P>I've struggled for many years..he asked me recently where we would be if he had come home and found another job..I said..I don't know..You haven't given us that option..and he came back and tried to blame me again for why he's chosen to be gone for nine years..because I put "my friends" before him..I was like..whatever..it doesn't matter<BR>anymore..he can stay gone..it's not worth it to me anymore...<P>And yes we did the counseling although after the first session the counselor wanted to talk to him alone after 3 sessions of him going alone he quit going..My counselor had asked me that 3rd week if I was willing to go in w/ his counselor again w/ her so that we could all talk..I was willing..but he decided it wasn't for him..there was nothing wrong w/ him..and he didn't it..I was the one who needs to change..<p>[This message has been edited by ThornedRose (edited October 13, 2000).]

Wow...ThornedRose, you have been through it. I am sorry for that. It sounds that your H has a serious drinking problem, which usually masks some other kind of problem. It has been my experience that when drinking is involved, you are swimming upstream unless the spouse with the problem takes care of it. <P>I think you have been pretty loyal staying as long as you have. No one deserves abuse of any kind...man, woman, or child. You deserve to be treated like a special person who matters in this world. Money has nothing to do with it. <P>Emotional and verbal abuse are a funny thing...they sneak up on you, and do damage gradually. It's not as in your face as physical abuse, but it wears down the self esteem, it makes you doubt yourself, and makes you afraid. I know first hand. I also know it happens to professionals, stay at home moms, and single women. It is wrong. I work with divorced and separated people. When I wound up sitting in family court for domestic violence, I was humiliated beyond believe. How did I get here? <P>Divorce is so hard. I imagine you did't want this, but you don't deserve a H who is refuses to live with you and who stays drunk when he isn't working. That is not a marriage. <P>I wish you luck and happiness.<P>