Oh, this is so hard.<P>Once again, thought I was ok. My neighbor is having a garage sale, so I went to look for stuff to sell and came across all kinds of old pictures, our highschool yearbooks, his grade school report cards, my wedding shoes that still have the grass stains on them. I want to die. I hate this so much. I thought I had all the answers. I thought it would be easy to stop loving him after all the cheating I believe he was doing. I thought I knew exactly what to do now, and then flood of memories. Now I even question my suspicions and wonder if I could be wrong about him.<P>I don't know if he'll take his yearbook or ever even look in it again, but I wrote a note across my picture in red ink to him that I still love him and goodbye (well, there was a little more to it than that). Maybe when he's an old guy of 85 he'll see it and know what he meant to me.<P>I'm dying inside right now.<P>------------------<BR><BR>Kathy

Kathy,<P>I'm new here so I'm not familiar with your posts. Is your H gone? Are you separated? I would be happy to lend a shoulder <ear> if I had more details.<P>HL<BR>

Kathy:<P>Did you ever see that movie, The Way We Were? Considering you are feeling so bad right now, I wouldn't advise watching it, but it makes me cry every time I see it. Taking a walk down memory lane right now is not what you should be doing. That was then and in doing so, you open up all those wounds again. You need to heal. Pack all of it up in a box and either get rid of it or put it somewhere and forget about it. <P>It is so very difficult to separate what was from what is. People change...and not always for the better. Sometimes when we look back at the past, we have a tendency to remember the good stuff, romanticize it, and forget the not so good stuff.<P>Looking at pictures...from years ago has always been sad for me. What was always seems to have been better than what is, but it really isn't.<P>Put that stuff away, and make yourself stay away from it. Give yourself one big grief fest putting the things away and then be done with it. It sounds harsh, but it works.<P>

I don't believe you can just put everything away that reminds you of your spouse. Virtually everything in this house is something we bought together. Everywhere I go is somewhere we have been together. That is one reason why is so d*** easy for the WS to leave, because he doesn't have to take any of the memories with him, just the clothes on his back and a few personal items.

HOW TRUE!<P>I never really thought about it that way. That they can just walk away and leave everything behind, memories are attached to everything around me here.<P>Oh, I don't go seeking to hurt myself by looking for pictures or items that have fond memories attached to them, it really was accidental because of my neighbor's garage sale (which I only made a piddance of $13!). I agree that the memories for me are far better than the reality of what was always going on behind my back. I bragged about him and loved to lift him up, while he knocked me down to everyone he knew and worked with. That was the reality.<P>The hard part is you are never really as strong as you think you are. I have no choice in the matter and have to be strong for the little guys. I can usually handle the hand dealt to me by him on a daily basis, that is until he visits or calls. Why is that? A man who has done some really terrible things to me still makes me cry. Some of the pictures I was looking at weren't even of our marriage, they were of him when he was a child - he looks so much like my oldest son. All I could think of was innocence lost, and how twisted my life is now (and his has been for quite some time now). I read his yearbook entries. Everyone liked him, all the girls were after him, and the hard part was I could see everything they wrote about, but then again I can also see beyond his surface.<P>I don't know. I guess this will probably go on forever, literally. Maybe when I sell most everything, move and start getting my own things, then I'll be a little more free from the sporadic torment of memories.<P>HappyLady - I rarely post anymore. I guess I'm burnt out but yet still addicted. A lot of really bad things have happened lately but I just can't bring myself to post it. NSR made a post "RollCall" where people have put their stories together. I'm in there with most everyone else. Usually I only chime in and try to encourage others now.<P>But thanks ladies, for understanding.<P>------------------<BR><BR>Kathy