OK guys and gals,<P>Next Thursday is the first collaborative meeting of mt STBX, his attorney, my attorney, and I... we are doing the collaborative thing, no court, all is settled and done very quickly.<P>I told STBX when he said he didn't know what I wanted that I hadn't thought about it cause all I wanted was him home where he belonged. I finally lost my temper with him, broke a phone, dented my wall, and told him I hope I learn to hate him to be able to get through this.<P>Anyway, I need to come up with some ideas of the best settlement I can get for myself and the girls. I am going for full physical custody with reasonable visitation, that the business is to be mine (he told me it was the other day, then backed out and wants his 49%, attorney says if I don't do the work there is no business, so it is moot point), that he has child support and spousal support. I want the house, but he'll make me get a loan in my own name, no problem, already preapproved at 7.5% interest fixed with no income verification. He wants to split up household furniture, but I think he should take personal belongings only. I'm also going to go after him to pay attorney fees cause he is the one that wants a divorce.<P>Can you all think of anything that I might be missing? I'm kind of lost here. <P>Lori

Lori,<P>Without knowing all the details it is tough...<P>1. Full custody is hard to get...<BR>...it may not be worth it... if you think your H will just sail off into the sunset.<P>2. Yes a reasonable (liberal) visitation<P>3. Was business yours before the marriage?<BR>...that is a tough one<P>4. CS & SS OK<P>5. House... get for you and your girls<P>6. Houselhold furnishings... learn to give in on some of this...<BR>...let him list only those things he really wants... and give in on the little stuff<P>7. Getting to pay your attorney fees are a tough one...<BR>...in my state NJ... it is unlikely in most cases.<P> <P>Jim

Half retirement, 401k..savings plans...<BR>Insurance on the kids..he keeps a life insurance policy on himself w/ you as ben. in case God forbid he is to die before<BR>the kids are older..(you'll still need assistance)..he take credit card debts so that you can afford the house and daycare expense (if you have them)Medical/Dental<BR>and such on the kids..(even if you have it..<BR>I know some policies are 80/20 so if you both have it one ins plan can cover the 80 the other the 20)<P>Household furniture should stay where the kids are..why should they have to do without<BR>because he wants to leave..he can start over..unless of course your like me..we have two of most everything..(because H travels,<BR>so I according to an atty I talked to have 1 and a half sets of household furniture because the rest of it my mother left me and h can't touch it)<P>Any stocks or bonds?? other investments??<BR>Don't try to be nice just because this isn't what you want..you need to think of what you'll need in the future for the kids also...might also check into..does your spouse get a yearly pay increase? might see if you can get 1/2 of that for child support every year..since kids do get more<BR>expensive as they get older..<P>I know I sound like a b*tch here..especially since I am the one wanting out of my marriage but you need to look out for your kids needs..

Thanks Jim & t.rose,<P>Jim, with collaborative I have found out that we can do almost anything as long as it is agreed upon.<P>t.rose, you gave me some things to add to the list I am compiling, I want to walk in and at least have some idea of what I should be looking at. H's had 2 years he's thought about this, I am ill prepared.<P>Actually, I called him again tonight, he is so strange, we again talked about a lot of things, I again stated that what I really want is for him to come home. He asked about my upcoming bday, about my dad's visit, how everything is going, he was pretty shocked when I mentioned the first date of all of us getting together is Thursday. Don't know if it was an act, or he really didn't think it was so soon.<P>I told him that the divorce was a mistake, and that I was always going to keep that thought, that knowing there was a tool in which we could have a better than ever marriage, I just could never agree that this was a good thing. That yes, we had problems, but nothing that wasn't fixable. Oh well, another few days, I'll keep my fingers crossed and will hope that his muddled up head clears before this is all over with.<P>Lori <BR>

Lori,<P>Good luck...Like I said..I know your not wanting this..but don't try and be nice just<BR>to try and keep the peace..maybe if he realizes just what he can lose it will open<BR>his eyes..I don't know..<P>

The one thing to remember is that <I>everything</I> is negotiable. And not every single thing has to be split 50/50. I kept my house - equity and mortgage - but gave up any claim to his 401k in exchange for his taking ALL the consumer debt. And, to make sure he pays it, my attorney added that those debts are taxed as child support and are not dischargable in bankruptcy court. So far, so good.<P>As far as custody, don't even try for sole custody - joint conservatorship with his having possession 1st, 3rd, and 5th weekends, alternating holidays, etc. is more the norm. And - believe me - you will WANT those weekends for yourself after awhile . Also, which ever one of you has the better insurance should provide it for the kids, with out-of-pocket expenses being shared 50/50. You can even go so far as ironing out who pays for college, but my ex and I didn't go there. <P>I don't know about other states, but here in Texas the non-custodial parent can restrict the geographical area in which the children reside to the current and surrounding counties. Even though I have absolutely no plans to move further than across town, I wasn't about to stand for that and got him to lift it. AND, if I do move more than 100 miles away, HE pays to transport them. If you can avoid it, don't limit your ability to accept a better opportunity in another city! After all, that particular restriction doesn't apply to the non-custodial parent... Why should you not have the same freedom he has?<P>Something we didn't put in writing - and I wish I would have - is who gets to take the tax deductions for the kids. My CPA told me that if my ex wanted to push the issue, the IRS would say he should get them because, with the difference in our incomes, they would consider him having paid more to support them than me. <P>Household furnishings - if he wants to push the issue, y'all will have to complete an inventory and appraisement to split it evenly and that's a royal pain in the behind. Better to let him have what he wants (within reason, of course ).<P>Above all, remember that the less you two fight over things, the better it will end up for both of you - and for the children.<P>------------------<BR>Bobbie

Hi Lori,<P>That fog sure does mess things up, doesn't it?<P>We had a long talk on Wednesday about custody & division of assets. It seems she doesn't want much of anything, but I'm sure that could all change. I'm trying to remain.......<BR>...I'm not sure if friendly is the right word, but cordial sounds wrong, to her throughout all of this. <P>We've agreed on joint custody with alternating weeks. I know that's probably not the best thing for my son, but I have to remain a force in his life, and I'm pretty sure I wouldn't get full custody. My job wouldn't allow me to anyway.<P>What a waste. If only she could see how things would really be in a couple of years, I'm sure she'd changer her mind. Unfortunately she is a strong willed and independent person and this is what she thinks she wants. <P>I'm very sorry you are having to go through this. It's such a shame when they can't see what's really going on. So many innocent people get hurt in these things. <P>Take care, and my thoughts & prayers are with you....<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again

Hi Lori,<P>I dont post a lot these days but, thought I'd tell you about where I am at with my settlement.<BR>First, I did get temp. sole cutstody. My attorney said I would get perm. since they dont usually change that. My H has moved to Chicago area with his OW. My S and I are in Arizona. So, if your H is planning on moving away, he may not fight you on this. It is worth asking for it. If he objects then you can bend.<BR>Get a life insurance policy and he pays health and dental insurance.<BR>Half of assets.<BR>Alimony (I was stay home mom)<BR>Be willing to give some of household items. Dont let the emotional feelings to items overwhelm their real worth.<BR>Make sure child support is issued through the courts and not paid directly to you. They keep records for you if he gets behind.<BR>DO NOT forget tax ramifications and debts as well. Talk to your accountant about your tax issues. Attorneys dont always know the answers to tax issues.<BR>Car leases or loans. Make sure your off his car payments. Make sure you are left harmless on his car. Also, dont forget car insurance. Get off the joint policy. If he gets in an accident you dont want to get sued along with him.<BR>Who gets the write off for your girls on the taxes? We are going to alternate years. Have it spelled out.<BR>What about retirement funds? 401K? My H had one and I was entitled to half. I am having it applied to the refinancing of our home. That way I wont have to pay taxes on it as income. Alimony is a write off for him, but, taxable for you. Child support is the reverse.<BR>I have on last thing holding up ours. His OW threatened to kill her self. My H was going to move back here and make our son his priority. She freaked out and threatened to kill herself. Was starving herself. Sick. Her H let me know. My attorney agrees with me that she is mentally unstable. I am asking that she have no contact with my child. My attorney feels family court would see this as a very serious issue. He thinks judge will agree with me that she have no contact with my son. There is more to it. H has pretty much abandoned our son at this point. His case is looking bad for him. <BR>I hope I touched on some points that will help you. Remember divorces my be "no fault" (Ha) but, when it comes to childrens best interest, ex and significant others behaviors are looked at. You can bring up issues that you can't in the divorce issues.<BR>I wish you all the best for you and your girls.<BR>Lisa