How old is your H? <BR>I don't think and am pretty sure there is no OW.<BR>Mine said he was pretending too!<BR>So this sounds like a hopeless situation.<BR>Have you ever heard of anyone recoverying from MLC?<BR>My H's dad is psychologist!! But I am not his favorite person so he would have no desire to help me out.<BR>So really by having him possibly live here and us just be roomates to take care of kids and finances..is not going to change any thing. I mean by helping him in or out of the MLC. He has to go through it and what happens happens there is nothing I can do but be his friend. Is that what you are saying to me TT? What do you mean by deal with it? Divorce? <BR>Glad I found you<BR>Shell

ShellHT,<P>Yes, people DO recover from MLC. I have heard that it usually takes 2 to 5 years.<P>You are right that you can't ACTIVELY help him out of it or hurry him through it any more than you can help wake up someone who is in a coma. But, if you have the fortitude, you can be there for him for the moments when he starts to come around. I don't imagine many people would be able to live as roommates with their spouses for too long. But then again, Harley-ites say that Plan A might work better if he's there in the house with you if you can control the LBs.

Shell, yes they do come out of it...most anyway. I think in your situation I would try to keep him there and plan A. Find the Conway's site on the internet. He has a series of books that are extremely helpful; I believe it is MId life Passages.<P>I wish I had kept my H here. His affair seemed to start at the same time and he was very mean and grandiose and just plain weird. OW was really pulling him and she had the best opportunity since they work together 10 hours a day. She gets to do the plan A. All I can do is not LB. Although at this point, due to the pregnancy and her H filing...I'm just doing plan A for me. I'm not going to take the blame, projection, or the guilt produced bad behavior. I don't really care that much anymore.'<P>I just want to keep the kids happy.

Tootrusting..It sounds as if He is afraid to take responsibility for his life..and set himself some boundries..so he blames you..<P>Here is an excerpt from the boundries book<BR>I am reading...<P>Blamers: Blamers will act as if your no is<BR>killing them, and they will react with a<BR>"HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME???"<BR>Blamers have a character problem..if they are trying to blame you for something they need to take responsibility for confront them..and<BR>don't let them blame you..make them own up to<BR>their own responsbility...One example it gives is a girl whose brother was always<BR>borrowing money..and she kept giving it to him..when she realized it was HER with the<BR>problem by always giving to him..when he was broke..she stoped..she had to learn to tell him NO, I am sorry you got yourself into this <BR>financial mess, but you need to start managing your money better..He got angry<BR>and tried to tell her..IT's YOUR FAULT Because YOU won't bail me out..she just stood her ground and said, No, It's yours..and he had to start facing the consequences of his own actions..or find someone else to borrow money from..<P>I guess thats where plan b would come in..set boundries on what YOU will no longer tolerate..by telling them..as long as you continue to see OP you can no longer live here..I will no longer take the hurt and pain<BR>you are causing me..so for now we can't see each other..Thats what I did w/ my H about his job.."It's been YOUR Choice to be gone for Nine years..it hasn't been mine..so I need to protect myself from listening to you tell me year after that your going to look for another job..and your not doing it..He asked me..Can I quit MY JOB?? I just looked at him and asked him..I don't know..Can YOU??? He said No..so I said okay..I want a divorce..because I can no longer live like this..but he is blaming me for the divorce..when in reality it is his choice to stay away with this job..and I am just refusing to live like this anymore..I am putting up boundries for what I will and will<BR>not tolerate anymore..and he doesn't like it..but oh well..He is choosing to stay away..and I can't control that..only he can..

TT <BR>I thought you kind of sounded like you weren't caring too much. I am so excited to have this info I can't stand it. Makes me feel hopeful again!! <BR>Where do i find plan A?!<BR>I have looked all over and can't find it.<BR>Also what is LB?<BR>I want to clarify this <BR>My h will be living in the basement.<BR>I will have the upstairs.<BR>Contact will be limited<BR>also he travels alot.<BR>Can you plan A a situation like that?<BR>Shell<P>

TR, Yes, he does have a hard time taking responsibility for himself. In many ways, he is just letting OW live his life for him right now. Dealing with it all, so he doesn't have to face himself. He kind of fused with her....no boundaries at all.<P>In many ways he is like an alcoholic. He may admit to taking a drink (ow as a "close coworker"), but not admit to being an alcoholic (being addicted).<P>I am watching him lose everything along the way... He still has his job, but he is losing respect...I'm sure he feels it somewhere in side. He is losing his soul also. <P>I have tried to set boundaries. I did have him move out. Of course he blamed me for his moving out. Said it was because I gave him a hard time for a month!!! LOL<P>I set lines for him not to cross and he has crossed them.<P>I just began setting boundaries for myself and the kids now. He has none for himself.<P>He is no longer mean towards me and the kids. I don't ask him about anything related to the OW or what's going on, because I don't want to hear anymore lies. I am concentrating on me and the kids. I am also here for him as a friend. It is sad for the kids also. Even though he is no longer mean, he runs hot and cold in his way of dealing with them. They are effected greatly by his illness. I guess in their own way they set boundaries for themselves. Kind of like walls.... so they won't get hurt either. There is so much destruction in all the relationships involved. So much hurt at this point. I just try to bring faith of a HB into their lives.<P>ShellHT, Plan A and all the concepts can be found at the main site of MB. Or find NSR's welcome's and click on the areas he has outlined. <P>My advice to you is to PLan A, and try to detach or deflect your H's projections as much as you can. You can't make him see anything. You can take care of yourself, learn a lot along the way. Hopefully, when he runs out of external things to blame he will begin looking inside of himself.<P>I hope for you, and him, that he doesn't find an external salve (OP) to delay the process.....like my H did.

TT,<P>When I began setting the boundries for me..<BR>H got mad..he's still mad..and thats okay..<BR>it's his anger not mine..I'll admit I had alot of anger in me too, and I expressed it..<BR>mostly about how his actions have made triggered past memories in me..and I needed to deal with those..which I am..had he listened to me before whenever I tried to<BR>sit down and "talk" about it not in anger but just trying to talk intimatly and share with him..he would take it that I was "comparing him" and he would take everything I was saying personally..when what I felt really had nothing to do with him..except that some of his actions made me feel the same way I did as a child..and so finally it was like I exploded inside..everything that needed to come out was coming out and it wasn't going to be silenced and ignored anymore..it was like every injustice ever felt was screaming out to be heard..and he took most of it personally..even though they weren't personal towards him..it was like I was finally free to express what I felt and I wasn't going to stop till it was all said..even now things are still coming out..not towards him..but towards my dad and how I was treated by him..<BR>but it's also about excepting the fact that I will never have the father/daughter relationship I've always looked for..and wanted..and being able to finally stop looking for it..and H like my dad in many ways has been trying to use "money" as a control issue..and I have said I don't care<BR>about your money..it's not important to me to <BR>anymore..I don't need your money..I can go to work and make my own..and so he feels that because of that..I want to be single..and even trying to explain anything else..he doesn't understand..he feels money can buy someone's love..and I won't sell my soul for money anymore..it's just not worth it..so until he learns that love and money aren't the same thing..and can let go of his own fears and learns to stop trying to buy love..<BR>I can't be here..and he's not done that..and hasn't even started looking within himself..<BR>So he's filing for divorce..and I'm okay with it..because I won't pay that price anymore,<BR>and I don't want my kids to have to pay that price either..not with their dad..nor with mine..<P>But, maybe your H never learned in childhood to grow up and take responsiblity for himself..I know w/ my h..he's been married 3 times now..after the first two marriages he moved home to his momma's and she did everything for him..made him breakfast/lunch/dinner did his laundry cleaned up after him, everything..and he gave her a little money to help pay the bills..<BR>and he never learned to take care of himself..he didn't pay the bills..he didn't do anything but work..and he didn't have to <BR>do anything around the house, he could come<BR>and go as he pleased..with no responsiblities<BR>to anyone..and when we got married all of a sudden it was all on him, I had a daughter and he no longer had that freedom..he had responsiblities..he wasn't prepared to face..<BR>he took this job working away from home would come in one weekend a month bring all his laundry in for me to wash for him..he gave me his paycheck to pay the bills and he got money for working away from home...and he didn't have to deal w/ the day to day household things and the didn't worry about the bills because that was my "job" and he had his "own" money to spend and he could still do what he pleased because he didn't have the bills to pay..these have been hard realities for me to face..and he hasn't even began to look at them yet..and I don't know if he ever will..but I need more than that..<BR>He got to the point when he's been gone for long periods of time..that he would pay someone to do his laundry..because I quit doing it when he would bring it in..I was already doing mine and 3 kids laundry..and he'd come in w/ a months worth of clothes for me to wash in a weekend..no thanks..so maybe he will learn to be responsible for himself..<BR>and learn what it's like to have to pay bills<BR>for himself and not have someone else to rely on to do it for him..he even got to where he was borrowing money from ppl he worked with if I didn't have it to send..or he'd take out loans from work and then they'd take the money out of his weekly paycheck that was coming home..so he didn't have to feel the financial crunch there either..me and the kids did..and anytime I'd say something about getting a job..he'd get mad..and I was afraid to speak up..and tell him..His financial irresponsibility wasn't effecting him..it was<BR>effecting US!! He didn't have to face the consequenses of his actions..we did..and now he's going to have to learn to face them on his own..because I won't be there to help him out of his own financial messes..but I do have to "pay" for the ones I helped create by putting off paying bills to give him money because he was broke..and I didn't want him to suffer and do without..because it was after all "his" money since he worked for it..(thats what he always said) he'd even use credit cards to buy groceries..and not use the cash in his pocket, and I'd get stuck paying the bill here..and I am just tired of it..time for him to grow up..as I've had to do..and stop protecting him from his actions..

TT<BR>thank you for the info<BR>Your postings have such a sadness about them<BR>You seem like a stronge and well grounded woman.<BR>I am sorry you are in such pain.<BR>I hope you know you have been a great help to me I hope that helps.<BR>TS<BR>2-5 years? I like the coma analogy<BR>I guess we will see what happens<BR>Shell<BR>looks like I could be doing this for a while<BR>

<BR>why should I Plan A?<BR>That seems like it is for someone having an A? <BR>I like having a plan I was just wondering.<BR>Shell