I've noticed over the last few months that I tend to stay awake later at night than I'm used to especially on weekends. In fact, I can't remember the last Friday or Saturday night where I was in bed before 3 or 4 a.m.<P>It occurred to me this evening that getting ready for bed is the hardest part of the day for me. Retiring to 'our' room and climbing into 'our' bed without my wife is still something that I'm having a difficult time dealing with.<P>Oh how I miss her

I hear ya.<P>My problem, though, is trying to stay awake at night. I have no energy right now.<P>Well, nite-nite. Don't let those Blue Devils bite!

Jayhawk,<P>My stbx (or A*S, as I call him), left almost 10 months ago and I still don't sleep! I think my body has just gotten used to functioning on 3 or 4 hours of deep sleep and that's just the way I am.<P>I think it started out as not wanting to sleep in "our" room without him but now it's become a way of life.<P>Take care and get some rest!<BR>Mitzi

or<BR> <p>[This message has been edited by ShellHT (edited October 25, 2000).]

Jay,<P>my ex left right around the same time as Mitzi's. I have always slept 10 hours a night before that. Now I can't settle down either and don't get to bed before 2 or 3 myself. I am getting by on 3/4 hours sleep but after almost a year, its starting to get to me.<P>I think its a combination for different people. I don't miss him like I used to. Matter of fact, he's been replaced! However, I think its part of the symptoms that go into depression and no matter how "ok" we feel at times, I think we all keep slipping a little from time to time.<P>I also noticed that I have either bad dreams or restless nights, or if I only get 3 hours sleep, I don't remember a dream at all.<P>Dana<BR>

Jayhawk93,<P>This may sound strange, maybe I need to get over it, but after 3 1/2 months, I still sleep on the couch. I have not been in our bed since the last time we slept together in it. Actually, I don't go in our room at all except to water a plant, no reason to. (as for the clothes, I live out of the dryer and a basket next to it. )<P>Pitiful, huh?<P>------------------<BR>I am in this situation for a very good reason, it just took time to get over my own self-pity and understand why.

Jayhawk,<P>Unfortunately my problems come once I am asleep! The dreams I have are relentless - some horrible, some incredible. They run the gamut from me finding her with another guy to her coming home and saying she wants to try again. What is worse is that the better I am during any particular week of putting everything out of my mind, that is when the dreams become their worst (or best). Sometimes I don't want to wake up because just seeing her brings happiness (however short lived) to my soul.<P>As for the actual sleep part, I am definitely not one for any kind of drugs, but there is a mineral that seems to work well for me - it is called Melatonin and is available at any grocery/drug store. I take only 1 mg and in 20 minutes drowsiness overcomes me. And, I wake up fine without any groginess. It just might work for you....

SoTired2000<BR>that is awful at least when I do sleep now I am not dreaming in the beginning I had awful ones too. I had forgotten about those dreams until you said that.

Still Praying,<P>No, it doesn't sound weird at all! I slept on the couch for about 5 months. I just couldn't stand the idea of sleeping alone in "our" bed.<P>DanaB was actually the one who talked me into sleeping in our room. She said I would probably rest better. She was right but I still don't sleep a lot of hours. When I am asleep though, it's dreamless (I think because I'm exhausted!)<P>Take care,<BR>Mitzi

I used to sleep really well. You would have to virtually have to pry me out of bed! That was then. I have only had a few really good nights of sleep over the past year. <P>I found that my son has a wonderful idea and I started sleeping with a bear named Java (ever wonder where I got my name for here from???) I also have been reading a book until I fall asleep. Sometimes it helps. I guess that you just have to get used to sleeping alone. <P>I wish you luck in finding a nice fluffy pillow, warm sheets, a good nights sleep and pleasant dreams. -Java

Hi Jayhawk,<P>2-3 hours a night for me. Fortunately I seem to be functioning ok. I've got my concentration back, but the appetite is still gone. (dropped 20 lbs in 2 months)<P>I think now that I know she's never coming back, all my rhythyms will come back eventually.<P>Rock Chalk!<P><P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again

Mitzi,<P>I was thinking about starting to sleep in our bed this weekend, and I may as well start tonight. Part of a whole attitude change with the whole situation. She knows that I don't sleep there, and that's part of it. I am planning on not calling her at all this week, (big change, if I can do it ), maybe next mid-week, asking her out for a quick lunch as friends after I tell her that I've accepted that we will no longer continue to be married, (we've never discussed it, she keeps saying she doesn't know what will happen), but would like to remain friends and catch up periodically. Emphasis will be on me having a great week, work progressing beyond my dreams, which I will tell her is a positive now that I've realized that I need to make something of myself, and that I feel great and much better rested since I started sleeping in "my" bed again. Still don't know whether or not I should wear my ring, her's has been off and on sporadically.<P>SoTired,<P>You mention that this mineral helps you sleep, but what about the rest of your day? How are your emotions and mental state? You mention not being interested in meds, but they do help even out the rollercoaster. I resisted other's advice on taking anything for months based on religious views, but last Monday I tried to schedule an appointment to see the Doc and they told me 2 weeks. Okay. That afternoon they called back and wanted to schedule me for 8:15 the next morning, so I went, thought of it as a sign. Thinking that he was actually giving me what I needed (Paxil)to take away some of the sorrow, had been over 3 months then, and that it would also allow me to relax and let him work on things for a change. It has, I am more relaxed. It also work for OCD, which is why I have a hard time not calling/contacting her.<P>Jayhawk 93,<P>Did you say that you were still on Paxil? What time do you take it, may help. I take it around 9 p.m. so I'm comfortable around 10:30, although for some reason I pop up between 4 & 5 and am up for the day. What do you do before bedtime? Ever try reading? Or how about a warm glass of milk? lol!<BR>Good luck. Don't let the bed bugs bite. <P>------------------<BR>I am in this situation for a very good reason, it just took time to get over my own self-pity and understand why.

Still Praying,<P>Usually my days are OK. Owning my own business, I don't have too much time to think about things. But it is crazy that anytime I have even a few spare seconds/minutes, guess who pops into my head? Oh well.<P>As far as meds for me, can't say I think I need them (at least not right now). While I do get sad, I do feel "overall" on an even keel. But, if things get worse, I would never just "count them out". <P>For me exercise seems to work wonders - I try to get to the gym for an hour, 4x per week. Not having any children, I don't have too many obligations to keep me away from working out. It has helped bring back my apetite, boost my self-confidence and make me extremely tired at night.

ST2k,<P>I am planning out going to the gym tonight, also. I know it will bring back my appetite, make me feel better, and relieve some stress. This may sound tacky, but I'm also 'gonna start tanning once a week or so. 2 reasons- <BR>1-I look like crap, don't want to look like a beach bum, just a little color, other than when I bend over to tie my shoes! lol <BR>2-My step daughter works as a stylist at a salon, so I can get a discount, but it needs to trickle back to her mother that I am working out and tanning, for obvious psychological reasons.<BR><P>------------------<BR>I am in this situation for a very good reason, it just took time to get over my own self-pity and understand why.

Thanks for the advice and comments, but I think I need to clarify myself on this one. I actually don’t have any trouble sleeping or having bad dreams once I make it to bed.<P>My problem is actually making myself get <B>to bed. </B><P>I can sleep just about anywhere, including the couch, my office, my chair in front of my home PC, or in my truck at a long light (only 1x though ) I really don’t like forcing myself to climb into my empty bed. I usually end up stacking pillows next to me or dragging my dog with me just to give the feeling that it’s not just me in the bed. I imagine this is similar to the grief one feels after a spouse has died, but I’m not sure.<P>Still Praying:<BR>If you are considering moving back into to your bedroom, let me offer the following 2 ideas: <BR>1. Buy yourself a new set of sheets which can be just ‘yours’<BR>2. Re-arrange the bedroom furniture if possible<BR>I did both of these things myself, even bought new pillows, and it has helped me. It’s just a simple trick to make my mind think that this is no longer ‘our’ room. My doctor still has me on Paxil, but I’m starting to wean myself off of it. Actually, I just quit taking it. Emotionally I was starting to feel better and was afraid that if I stayed on it too long, that I would come to depend on it. Since my divorce is just waiting for the final court date, I figured now would be a good time to stop. I have been on it for 4 months. I expect the next few weeks to be tough, but I’m going to make it.<P>cOOker:<BR>How ‘bout them Jayhawks! We caught MU sleeping last Saturday and beat them in their own backyard. The border war is alive and well!<P>SoTired:<BR>I have taken Melatonin before, but I’m trying not to take any more drugs if possible. I agree about the exercise and may start doing that just to get myself into shape. I dropped 12 lbs. the first week of this and have dropped another 12 since. Then I started feeling better and have gained back about 10. I would like to lose those 10 again if possible, just not as quickly!<BR><P>------------------<BR>JH93

Had a terrible time sleeping at first. After he'd been gone a long time and I still wasn't sleeping, my sister and her husband came over with their pick up truck and carted my bedroom suite to my mother's house. I had another one there. I swapped furniture. I got my bedroom furniture rather than ours. Didn't help much. Got a new mattress and springs and that didn't help much. A lot of my sleep problems do seem to be tied to my emotions. When I'm not doing well emotionally, I sleep too little or too much. Having a friend I can call around 10:00 p.m. and hear them talk about bed helps. If my friend needs to go to bed, sometimes the power of suggestin takes over. <P>A ritual has been helpful, also. A cup of coffee, hot tea, hot chocolate, warm milk. The act of fixing it in anticipation of going to bed is calming. Then you have to sit down and sit still to drink it (my rule). Discontinuing cable tv helped. A good book helps. I considered buying myself an animal to sleep with after my daughter loaned me one of her dolls and I did sleep better. Journaling worked well, also. I like a little classical music. Gives my brain something to do for a while as my body relaxes.<P>I've been sleeping on that couch a bit more lately and I don't like developing that habit. But I know what the emotional thing is and it's unsettling but not catastropic. I know I can lick it this time.<P>By the way, I was on an intranasal steroid spray for my sinuses one time and mentioned melatonin to the pharmacist. He warned me of a drug interaction between the two. So, do ask your pharmacist about these herbal things.<P>Also, for women who might be approaching perimenopause. I was talking to the dr. a few months ago and he said that often, when women from mid-30s on show up at the dr. and mention sleeping problems, the first things some doctors try is antidepressants. However, sometimes the problem is a decreased amount of REM sleep which can be related to decreased amounts of estrogen in their bodies. Sometimes a very small dose of estrogen can increase the amount of REM sleep these women get and, therefore, lead to improved sleep and outlook. If you're tired, it's easy to get bummed out - as we all know.<P>

Nights are the worst. The first time he left I didn't sleep in our bed for weeks. I have always been a good sleeper but I didn't sleep for more than 3 hrs at a time until he came back home.<P>This time has been different. After he left I bought a new bed. That helped alot. I also have now moved so that has also helped. I sleep pretty good now. I do have my dreams though. The other night I woke up screaming "I miss you!" <P>They say it all gets better I just hope they are right.<P>Jill