I have been married 5 1/2 years. I have known my husband 13 years. We have a little boy that is going to be 2 in Dec. I am all over the world with my emotions. I was in love with my husband at one time. However, since I have 5 months pregnant he changed terribly and things have been awful for us.<P>I can understand how people get divorced, but those plans were never anything I had intended in my marriage. I tried to talk with my husband about our problems, but he dismissed me. He finally moved out and went home to mom. She has been a big problem in our marriage.<P>He refused to talk with me about anything. Finally he came home, said he was so sorry, said he would do whatever he needed to make this work. But he refused to find a counselor. I found one. He went a couple times then quit. He would come and go again, moving to mom's every so often. <P>He says all the right things, but doesn't follow up with them.<P>I had to file for divorce in August when he picked up our son from daycare without making arrangments with me or telling me and when I tried to find out where he was to come get him, he told me NO, hung up the phone and wouldn't answer any more pages. I didn't know if he would bring him home or not. I felt he would, but I was a little scared.<P>My son means everything to me. He has kept me sane though all of this. It is very painful emotionally and physically to be away from my son when my husband has visitation.<P>Throughout this time from my filing, my husband has been mean, angry and tries to hurt me anyway he can. I have still ask him to get help.<P>He has been going to counseling and I was going to try this again. I showed him all the stuff on the marriage builders website and he said that it looked good and he agreed that was how a marriage should work. We were trying to talk about a few things and I told him that I was uncomfortable around him and didn't feel anything towards him sexually. He has been sleeping on the couch for 2 years (of his own choice). He hasn't laid a finger on me since I was 5 months pregnant. I have lost all self-esteem and feel terrible about myself and looks. I have never been a person like that, and now I am.<P>I have met other men that know what I am going through and they want to date me. I have told them I was not ready, but I find myself wondering what it would be like to hug them, kiss them. I want those things, but not from my husband.<P>I don't know if I love him still, am just fighting this because I am so hurt and angry with him.<P>He told me he loves me and wants to work it out. He said I am still attractive to him and he does want to be with me. I almost get sick however with the thought of being with him.<P>I don't know if I should try to work this out with him again, or if he is just saying all the right things, again, to get back into the house and get me to let my guard down.<P>We have 24 days until our divorce if final. I don't know how to deal with having my son taken away from me on his visitation days, and I don't know how to even try to feel anything for him again after all the things he has done. He has broken my trust over and over and I have tried to trust over and over and now I am scared to death to try again for fear of being hurt even worse.<P>I don't want my son to have to suffer anymore as he is getting older, and I don't want to suffer anymore, and I am literally out of my mind at times. One minute I want to try and work it out, even with the doubts of never feeling the same towards him, but the next I hate him so much I want him out of my life forever.<P>Any advise on whether to stay with my marriage and work it out or to leave for good?

Madeline,<P>I don't think can advise on whether to stay or go, but I think if you are only 24 days away from your divorce being final, you probably need to find a counselor help you work through your emotions.<P>It's not unusual for women to lose their sex drive after childbirth. It's a big topic on Oprah. And since your husband treated you so badly during your pregnancy, I can understand why you might not want to have intimate contact with him. After all, your intimate affections are an honor that he has to earn.<P>I suggest making a profile of what type of companion you want. Everything from appearance to values to family structure to thought processes. And then determine how well your spouse fits this profile. Then reflect back on your pre-marital relationship and determine if there were symptoms of his behavior and his relationship with his mother, that went overlooked.<P>But if it does come to divorce, make sure that he knows the honest reasons why you are pursuing the divorce. He should know about how you felt during your pregnancy and how it changed your life.

Teegan,<P>Thanks for the reply. I may not have been real clear. It was not my sex drive that was lost after childbirth. Granted it was some after my 5th month of pregnancy, but I was raring to go once the doctor gave us the nod.<P>My husband made that decision. I repeatedly told him how I felt. Now, after all this time and after he has come and gone so many times in the last year and broke my trust, I do not feel attracted to him at all.<P>I don't know if this will pass in time if he makes an effort. I don't know if what I am feeling is due to my lack of trust and fear of even trying to trust him again.<P>The trust issue isn't from an OW, but from his lies, disregard for my feelings, how he lets his family treat me and doesn't stand up for me with them. He lets them put me down and talk badly about me and when he has been angry with me, joined in on that.<P>Now that we have serious problems, everything about him that has bothered me but wasn't a priority bothers me.<P>Our divorce was fast tracked. Filed August 31 and final hearing is Nov 9. However, this can be continued. I have counselors telling me that he needs to "step up" and start taking responsibility and joining me in my life, so I have been waiting. I have tried to talk with him, but to no avail. I am not sure if my emotions are getting in the way. I hear what the counselors tell me, but I don't feel any better. I didn't get married to get divorced, but I didn't get married to live alone or be treated this way either. I think that and my son is why I am struggling so much. I still don't know whether to stay or go, even if at the last minute he wants a continuence.

h <p>[This message has been edited by ShellHT (edited October 25, 2000).]