I have been wondering: how do you know if you are ready to date someone else? Is there a "rule" that you have to be divorced? Do you have to feel like you are ready to marry again? Also, how can you differentiate between genuinely liking someone new and just liking being liked? I'm sure this is different for everyone. I'm just wondering becuase I went out with someone new this weekend. He took me out on Friday dancing and for dinner and then we went to a theme park on Sunday. It was light fun, lots of laughs. I really like him a lot. I had a great time but am feeling guilty. Is this a normal feeling? I have been separated for four months but my H hasn't filed yet but is sure he wants a divorce. He's moving out of state in Nov. I am sure the divorce will go through because I have pretty much given up hope of reconciliation and am feeling a growing peace about it. My previous posts reflect being torn about how to react to the impending divorce. Anyone have any experience or tips on how to avoid getting hurt, going/not going too fast, or alleviating guilt, etc. ??

1) don't look at it like a date.<BR>2) come up with a plan on how many, how much time, how many people are you going to meet before deciding that this one is the right one?<BR>3) without the experience, how will you know the differnece between adequate, good, and GREEEAAAT?<P>make up a check list of questions that you will be searching for to see if the answers are the right ones for you to consider, <P>check out emotional needs, etc.<P>but you need practice at this, so don't be in a rush, don't settle, use the experience you have gained here to find mr M.B. Right!<P>thl

All of my friends want me to date.<P>My life revolved around my work and my family, so now that she's gone, my life is pretty empty. I've been toying with the idea of dating, if for no other reason than to get out of the house and spend some time with people who have the same interests as me. If I thought there was any hope of reconcilliation, I'd wait awhile longer, but this one's done. <P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again

I went on a date pretty soon after my divorce was final in Feb., we had been separated since the previous July.<P>It went okay, I tried to set up another but was never able to so I guess she wasn't interested. It felt weird, but I wasn't hurt by it.<P>I bounced around with friends for a while, got interested in some one else but went out with her only a couple times because she was quite the partier and I can't/won't do that any more with two kids.<P>I then dated someone for a month and she dumped me via email. It hurt a little but wasn't that big a deal as I didn't have any attachment. <P>I was single again for for about a month when I got fixed up with a blind date. We went out and kind of hit it off and have been seeing each other for a month now. I don't have any expectations but I really do enjoy her company.<P>I read something somewhere that said once you are comfortable being alone, then you are ready for a new relationship.<P>The other thing is that you are still legally married, even though separated and H is moving out of state. Is that the reason you are felling guilty?<P>Just take things slow. If you need to vent or a shoulder to cry on, come here or go to a female friend instead of this new male friend. There is too much going on emotionally in your life to be enetering into a new relationship in my opinion.

Technically, rebound means to recover or spring back from adversity. I quess you could call divorce adversity. It's nice to go out with someone for companionship after you have been doing it on your own for awhile. Be careful though. I creeped cautiously into a relationship that I knew better of, and got burnt badly. In the beginning it was fun. We both appeared to like each other. We had lots in common, including pending divorces. As time went on, I could see that we were emotionally in different places. I was ready to proceed. I don't think he was. Out of the blue he decided it wasn't right. Why I don't know. Sometimes I got the impression he hated liking me. The last thing you need while going through a divorce is more rejection and pain. I wish had backed down earlier when things weren't as serious. It is so much easier to walk away. <P>As to know if you like the person or are merely infatuated with someone liking you; only time can tell. You shouldn't settle though; for now just have fun and enjoy yourself. Try to take it slow so both of you are comfortable.<P>I have been separated nearly a year and began seeing someone about seven months into it. I wasn't ready for the unaticipated hurt that would come out of it, so right now, I imagine it will be a long time before I gather up enough courage to go back out in the jungle again. <P>

I'm not sure there's necessarily an "iron clad" rule on all of this, but I'd think waiting until AFTER a divorce is final to start going out again would be appropriate.<BR>That is, unless with a separation there is no-how, no-way and about 5,000 miles between you. I have been divorced for a year and four months now and did not go out until about 2 months after the divorce WAS final. After being married for almost 19 years, believe me, the first date was TRAUMATIC. Not going through it, but getting ready for it. I became physically ill. Not that I wasn't ready but it really seemed to push a lot of triggers in me and it was clear I'd come to another place in my life. Dating! Again! Arrrrgh. It didn't mean I should move on and go out and be socialable, but who thought I'd be dating again at age 42! In the year since, I've gotten quite a bit better about first dates, blind dates, good dates, bad dates. I also have come to appreciate the resources I have -- mental, emotional, financial, spiritual -- that allow me to happily say yes *or* no to an invitation or a guy, and be alone but happy when that is clearly better than caving and going on what will clearly be a crummy date.

You pose a good question, unfortunately I don't have a clue as to the answer. I think you just have to do whatever feels right to you as all people will be different. I am about 1 month away from my divorce becomming final and I'm scared. I know that I want to date, but as I said in another thread, I'll probably fall for the first woman who smiles at me and touches my arm! I'm just hoping to rely on my family and friends to keep an eye on me for the next few months to see how I am doing. I made a promise not to get involved in a serious relationship for 1 year following the divorce. <P>I like what RWD said, "I read something somewhere that said once you are comfortable being alone, then you are ready for a new relationship." I think this is a piece of advice that I am going to take to heart.<P>------------------<BR>JH93<p>[This message has been edited by Jayhawk 93 (edited October 16, 2000).]

LOL...I like that..when you are comfortable alone..I have been married and alone for almost my entire marriage..and have hated it..but this past year I have really grown and I like being alone.. I started back to school, I enjoy my kids more..I enjoy myself more..I have started doing more with friends..have invited them over for dinner..and to watch football games watch<BR>nascar..and to just talk..going horseback riding..and dancing..and hubby now after years of being away..is like..all I keep hearing is HOW MUCH FUN YOUR HAVING!!<BR>I am like..and Your point??? I am tired of waiting on YOU to be here for me to live my life..Now he's wanting to come home and work on the marriage..after NINE YEARS of being away..and I don't want it anymore..I got tired of waiting on him..now he's MAD!!!

gsd,<P>I don't think that there is an iron-clad rule pertaining to when, it's whenever it feels right in your heart.<P>I am a little over 3 months into a separation, and frankly, I just don't have the desire. Nothing is concrete yet as to what will happen, but I'm not interested. It's kinda strange, at least to me, how unattractive other women became after this all started, not that I was always looking, but I hardly even notice people anymore, of either sex.<P>I guess this would be a question to consider: You say that he hasn't filed, if it's been 4 months, why not? You must determine that you have no desire to have him back in your life before you will feel comfortable dating. What would you do if you found out that he was willing to work on the marriage, but somehow he learned that you were on a date, so he decided against it? How would you feel about that? If that isn't what you want, then maybe you should consider waiting until you reach a state of mind where his trying to reconcile would generate a take it or leave response from you. If that's where you are, then great, but if not, give it some careful consideration.<P>------------------<BR>I am in this situation for a very good reason, it just took time to get over my own self-pity and understand why.

Very sound advice. I can see myself--if I am not careful--getting involved too quickly. I was in a mediocre marriage for so long that I do not know how a good relationship should feel. I guess by those standards, anyone that flips my switch is a good one.<P>I tried making a time limit list--how many, when etc--it was harder than I thought. I would like to say a year before getting serious, but meeting this guy has clouded my judgement. Not like I'm getting serious now--far from it. But getting back in the saddle seems easier than I ever thought. I guess that's where the guilt comes from. I've just forgotton all the dating rules: first kisses, PDA, who calls who, when to call, when not to call. Especially when I'm trying to keep it light and NOT serious. It's like reverse pressure. You know, "where's the line between serious and fun?"

The thing that bothered me most about dating was that you were so long starved for having your emotional needs met that it was very easy for me to "fall" in love again.<P>I think now after learning MB principles it would be easier for me to analyze a relationship and see whether it's just needs being met by someone who is basically selfish and trying to impress a date, or by someone that is more compatible.<P>It's very hard not to confuse compatibility with the effect of feeling good because of someone depositing into your love bank through positive dating experiences.<P>I recently watched a girlfriend of mine who was starved for any affection for years (never even got a kiss from her x for 11 years) "fell" in love with a man I feel is similar to her x. Can't tell her what I think because she wouldn't believe me - he's being very good to her.<P>So maybe some caution is advisable. It's not a good idea to withdraw from getting involved, but it may be a good idea to look at things objectively and honestly discuss whether he actually really likes dogs (for instance), or is he a dog hater trying to score points.<P>H

I understand wanting attention from the opposite sex after going through all of the stuff prior to and following a divorce. However, that said I always say to wait until after a divorce for the following reasons:<P>a) I would never be able to commit to someone long term who could date me while I was still "technically" married. Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I would tend to believe that they are more likely to take the marriage commitment lightly. I'm not going to jump into dating someone before I'm ready because I'm afraid of "this one getting away". Anything significant is worth waiting for. Including your divorce, if that is what it comes to.<P>b) Even though you are pretty sure a divorce is coming, by dating before it is final, you make it more difficult to reconcile. If that is your objective (not reconciling), at least be honest with yourself about it. In that case, you should be the one to initiate the divorce. It is not fair to wait for your H to be the "bad guy" and initiate, while you are out dating.<P>c) You, technically, are breaking your vows. You really can't claim that your ex cheated on you, etc. etc, if you are doing the same thing while still married. <P>d) last but not least. As much as you need the attention, it is pretty good odds you are not emotionally ready for the fall out right now. I tell people they aren't ready for dating (even after a divorce) until they are ready for rejection. Until they can be dumped and not have it turn their life upside down again, they aren't ready.

I love what Harlequin says about the principle of the love bank. "Starved" is a good word. As for wanting reconciliation with my H, no. Something snapped in me the last conversation we had. (This was well before I went on the "date.") It was like I exhaled. Unfortunately, he has not filed. But isn't that an incidental? Is divorce a legal or a moral dilema? If I am dating when a divorce is pending, am I breaking the letter of the law even if my marriage is over in more ways than one? I am "technically" married. Suddenly, when the courts say it is ok, I am free to date. Conversely, if I am dating after a divorce is final, is suddenly all the immorality and wrongness still there in a religious or moral sense because ultimately I am breaking my initial vow to forsake all others? Aye, there's the rub.<P>At any rate, I am not under any circumstances ready for anything more than friendly companionship. I know not to trust my feelings this early on. Give a fish to a starving man and he thinks you are a god. Even if the fish is rotten. Gotta be careful. <P>

gsd,<BR>you ask a good question. Commitment is not on a piece of paper. Except for one person immediately after my divorce, I have not dated for over a year and a half. One reason is that, in my heart I still feel married. My ex took off his ring two days after my confession and dated all throughout our "reconciliation". I would consider him a hypocrite if he told people our marriage ended because of infidelity. He (IMO) leaves the impression that he was simply waiting for and opportunity to leave the marriage and was not really into it to begin with. <P>Now, maybe you don't think impressions count, but they will. Especially if you want to have a future relationship with someone who cares about such things, which I think you do. In the short term, going out on dates before you are divorced might feel good. In the long run, I don't think it will help you. Remember, supposedly your STBX didn't feel "married" when he left your relationship. That should not have changed his commitment. No, he ran away instead. Even if you don't feel committed, there are alot of people who care about marriage who still think you should at least do your best to act committed until there is no question that the marriage is over. The only sort of "proof" anyone has of that is a divorce decree, as flimsy as that is. <P>I simply don't believe a "quality" man would date someone who was still married. I'll go one step further. For me personally, I wouldn't date someone who was still married in their heart either, which is why I'm not dating anyone.