I didn't know there were other women with this problem. I've been married 16 years to a great guy! Good looking, friendly, intelligent, hard-working, caring and loving. We don't have children, and we do many things together. Everyone always says what a great couple we are! However, sex has never been a priority for my husband. I workout at least four times a week, and I've always had a fabulous figure. I'm fun to be around and good looking, smart and earn a decent living. Guys I work and travel with for business often say my husband is a lucky guy. But, even after being on a business trip for four nights in a row, I come home to a guy who definetly missed me, and hugs me and kisses me, but he still has no desire to make love. When we do, I initiate it. And often when I initiate, he moves me away and says, "I'm really tired tonight." I learned early in our marriage that weekdays are workdays and he usually won't make love until the weekend, if then. He initiates once every 6-8 weeks maybe. When I come on to him, he kisses me and laughs a little and I get the usual "okay, later maybe". Oh wow, I guess I'm supposed to feel honored that my husband 'might' be in the mood! When we do it, it is fantastic! But, I feel so envious of women who have husbands who actually are sexually desirous of them!I'd be so happy if my husband made me feel sexually desirable! I could only dream of that kind of life! I know that he is not cheating, and I know that he is definetly not gay. We dated for two years before we got married, and we couldn't keep our hands off of each other. He was very horny. Now he never is. Neither of us are on meds, we don't smoke, don't do drugs, and we occassionally have wine with dinner, or when we go out. He just doesn't have a sex drive anymore, ever since we got married.I was thinking of reading the Men from Mars...books, and asking him to read one. Usually when I bring this problem up, he walks away, or makes some comment that I'm ridiculous, or I can't think of anything else. That's ridiculous, because I have also over the past 16 years tried not to mention it for a month or two, but he doesn't mention it or initiate it either! I know other guys find me desirable, I just wish my husband would make me feel that he does! <p>[This message has been edited by landi (edited 01-02-99).]

landi<br>I have responded to several postings on here for the past several weeks. After reading your reply in this forum I can only say I wish we could talk because you are in the exact same situation that I am. The things that you say are exactly the same here. We have been married 3 yrs and together for 5. I just don't understand, especially the constant moving away when things would normally be a sexual time. and he will also say just as you said "This must be all you think about." What I'm begining to THINK ABOUT is that he must be nuts!<br>didi

landi<br>I have responded to several postings on here for the past several weeks. After reading your reply in this forum I can only say I wish we could talk because you are in the exact same situation that I am. The things that you say are exactly the same here. We have been married 3 yrs and together for 5. I just don't understand, especially the constant moving away when things would normally be a sexual time. and he will also say just as you said "This must be all you think about." What I'm begining to THINK ABOUT is that he must be nuts!<br>didi

To All,<br>I am recently married (I'm the wife)and I have been wondering in secret whether I was the only person who has ever experienced this problem. I am only 27 years old and we've been married four months. We dated on & off for almost 6 years before getting married. I always knew his libido was a little lower than mine, but we still had sex often and it was great. I was never attracted to anyone else when we were together. When we got married, everything changed. Now he only agrees to sex about once a week. This probably seems like a big treat to those of you who have been waiting years! But I want it every day! That means six days a week I get to stay up with my insomnia and my sad feeling, wondering how I suddenly became the most boring woman in the world. I don't want to sound boastful, but I am one of those women who all men look at when I walk in the room, and I even dress modestly. I never work out, I just have a good metabolism. The thing is I am naturally blonde and green eyed and very much in love with my husband, who won't make love to me. I recently went back to school for another degree in art, and now all the guys hit on me, even my professors. I am feeling attracted to one or two people... (don't worry...I know enough to avoid the teachers!) but I am afraid of having sexual feelings toward other people. These are strictly sexual feelings, not love interests. My sex life with my mate changed literally the day we got married, no joke. It's as if he knows my libido is governed by the laws of marriage now, so he doesn't have to think about keeping me satisfied. I really miss the intimacy that sex provides. I miss feeling sexy and I miss being fulfilled, and I miss my husband. I want him all the time! I am not a hard woman to please, in fact I'm always very enthusiastic. In a loving way, I'm no perv. If it's this bad already, then what's going to happen when we have kids? Will he ever want me? How will we ever conceive our children? Am I going to end up like one of those people that has to wait 18 months for some sex? Should I have foreseen it before the wedding?<br>By the way, I think you people are being too angelic. You've expressed your feelings of rejection to your spouse and they turned you a cold shot. You are a human being and if they expect you to go without your emotional and physical needs being met, and if they can't compromise, then they are being downright abusive. Maybe they need to be given an ultimatum. I think sex is a normal, healthy human need, like eating. Would you stand for having your spouse starve you of food, for no apparent reason? I wouldn't. I'd be out of there in a heartbeat. As much as I don't want to die physically of starvation, I also don't want to die spiritually because of having the intimacy cut off. I can already feel my marriage shriveling up and I am so sad. I deeply love this man and he is my companion. I don't want to hurt him! I hate the idea of that. I told him that I feel deprived of sex and that I desire him, and I'm sad about the change. I stay up at night crying because I'm so lonely. I even told him that I constantly get hit on. His response was, "I'll bet you do. You're beautiful." But no advances from him. I always initiate and most of the time he says he's too tired. I feel taken for granted. What am I supposed to do? I've only been married four months and already I am distressed enough to write a letter this long. HELP. I feel like the same thing is happening that happened with his dog. After the dog grew up, he just lost interest. AM I AN OLD DOG ALREADY?

Kitty,<p>You're young and newlywed. Now is a good time to learn the concepts at Marriage Builders, and to practice them with your husband. This isn't hard.<p>Concept 1: Rule of Protection. No "lovebusters". When you say that maybe your spouse needs an 'ultimatium' to meet an unmet need, you are failing to protect your spouse from a selfish demand. Don't do that. Don't do anger. Or disrespectful judgements. Or dishonesty. Or selfish demands.<p>Concept 2: Rule of Care. Learn to meet your husbands emotional needs. And vice versa. Using the Policy of Joint Agreement, and The Rule of Complete Honesty, you should be able to tell your husband your emotional needs. Honestly and respectfully. He should be able to listen. He should try to meet them, using the policy of Joint Agreement to negotiate items that you don't initially agree on.<p>The other Rules are Honesty and Time. They're all listed here on the site. Read them (and read 'Give and Take', one of the books available here).<p>These rules may sound silly to you at first. But if you truly want a happy, loving marriage, you (both) should try to implement them. It's about changing certain behaviors. It may seem unnatural at first, but with time they become second-nature. And easy. And fun. With big payoffs.<p>Do it NOW, before you start to seriously think about sex with other men. Before you wonder whether your husband loves you. You can apply all these rules to a marriage in shambles and see a miraculous rebirth (I'm proof). But YOU don't have to let it get that far. Get to work now...

Kitty,<p>You're young and newlywed. Now is a good time to learn the concepts at Marriage Builders, and to practice them with your husband. This isn't hard.<p>Concept 1: Rule of Protection. No "lovebusters". When you say that maybe your spouse needs an 'ultimatium' to meet an unmet need, you are failing to protect your spouse from a selfish demand. Don't do that. Don't do anger. Or disrespectful judgements. Or dishonesty. Or selfish demands.<p>Concept 2: Rule of Care. Learn to meet your husbands emotional needs. And vice versa. Using the Policy of Joint Agreement, and The Rule of Complete Honesty, you should be able to tell your husband your emotional needs. Honestly and respectfully. He should be able to listen. He should try to meet them, using the policy of Joint Agreement to negotiate items that you don't initially agree on.<p>The other Rules are Honesty and Time. They're all listed here on the site. Read them (and read 'Give and Take', one of the books available here).<p>These rules may sound silly to you at first. But if you truly want a happy, loving marriage, you (both) should try to implement them. It's about changing certain behaviors. It may seem unnatural at first, but with time they become second-nature. And easy. And fun. With big payoffs.<p>Do it NOW, before you start to seriously think about sex with other men. Before you wonder whether your husband loves you. You can apply all these rules to a marriage in shambles and see a miraculous rebirth (I'm proof). But YOU don't have to let it get that far. Get to work now...

Kitty,<p>I'm mystified by your situation. For at least the first six months after I was married that's all my wife and I did was have sex whenever we could. I can't even venture a guess about your husband. Why a man, particularly a newlywed, would not have sex with his (beautiful) wife more often is something I simply can't understand.

Thanks K and Bruce for the tips. I am trying not to think catastrophically about this. But he won't discuss it with me, he just gives me one line answers or tells me I'm a nag. I know that's untrue, because I purposefully tried to be very gentle when I brought it up, out of respect for his manhood. I haven't given him an ultimatum. And I am not going to have sex with other men. If I was going to do that, then maybe I would have done it a long time ago when we were dating...but I didn't because I think it's dishonest and hurtful. A past long term relationship of mine failed when I found out the guy had been weaving a web of lies and sexual deceit for three years. I swore I'd never do that to someone else. Not to mention the various diseases, or the fact that I could become pregnant! <br>But what to do if he won't discuss? He yells at me when I try to discuss my feelings with him about almost anything. He says I'm too demanding. He has changed so much since we got married. <br>He hit me a few days ago. We were having a minor disagreement. I ended it by politely agreeing to talk about it with him later, after his four cups of coffee had worn off (he was extremely irritable.) I asked him to hand me my keys so that I could go check the mail. He picked up the keys and instead of handing them to me, he wheeled up and backhanded me with them across my face. I almost hit the floor. I was so stunned, I stared at him silently for about twenty seconds and he did the same. Then out of pure physical instinct I went to the other side of the room. He said, it was an accident, he didn't know I was standing behind him. That was an outright lie...he had just been facing me while I was standing there talking to him! Then he stretched and cheerfully said he was going to take a shower, and he did. I picked up the mail, crying of course, and came back home. I took a shower next, mostly because I didn't want him to see me crying, because I didn't even know what to say. Would he hit me again if I brought it up? Then I got mad while I was standing in the shower. I thought, "that miserable SOB just hit my face." I got out of the shower and I was emotionally numb. I had no surface feelings at all but I could feel this huge well of anger boiling in me. He had the nerve to ask me if something was wrong, in an irritated tone. I yelled very loud, "Yes, something is very wrong you just hit me in the face!" He then yelled at me. He yelled about how that's just one more thing that he does wrong, and how he said it was an accident and why couldn't I just shut up and be satisfied with that. Also he said he didn't have to apologize to me because I had walked away from him after it happened. Then he didn't speak to me for four hours. I kept my mouth shut and just cleaned the apartment. I figured that was the conservative route. How do I communicate with someone who acts this way? He never showed any signs of violence when we were dating, except one time when I questioned him about an ex-girlfriend whom he had been spending alot of time with while I was at work (he had lied to me about where he was and got caught.) Of course I was very hurt when I confronted him and he acted like I was the worst nag in the world. He picked me up and shook me against the wall. I dropped the subject.<br>If I tell this to people who know us, they will never believe me. He is the most easygoing, well-like guy in the world. Nothing gets to him.<br>We had broken up for a year before we got married because we agreed that lately he was not treating me the way I deserved...with any respect at all. He pursued me for a long time and finally won me back. We dated for six months and it was blissful. He was sweet, respectful, honest and caring. We decided to get married. The 3 month engagement was great. Now this?<br>My observations: This man has a father who is EXTREMELY passive aggressive. He botches everything in his life deliberately to hurt his wife, then acts like a martyr because "they are poor and he has to work so hard." I have occasionally noticed my mate to act similarly, but certainly not to that extent. Now the agression is not so passive anymore. I feel like my father in law taught my husband to hate and fear the wife. <br>Also, I should say that I was physically and sexually abused as a child and I don't know why I keep falling into this pattern, even when I make a deliberate effort not to. My mother beat me when I was little...for reasons like: I couldn't find my other shoe and she would rather beat me and make me stay home from school than to tell me where it was (believe me, she always knew.) I was sexually abused by the mentally retarded man next door to me for three years, from the ages of 4 to 7. My parents never made an effort to protect me or my sisters, beyond telling his family that there was a problem. My parents were always unavailable to us. Now that we're adults, they refuse to discuss these things because they were "good parents to us." I think this is relevant somehow to why I keep having bad luck in relationships, but how? Is it just that almost anything seems like a dream compared to the way I was treated as a child? I don't want to settle for this. I want to have the kind of life I deserve, with love and respect . <br>I always strive to meet my husband's emotional needs and even his friends comment on it. I always cook for him, and I am a good cook. I don't ask him to help me with too much of the housework. I try to make money so he doesn't have to break his back too much. I always try to give him things that he really wants as gifts on Christmas and birthdays. I always try to support his ideas and goals, and we have agreed that he should go to college when I am finished this year, and I will take my turn supporting him. I try to treat him the way that I would want to be treated. What's going on here? I really feel like I need psychological counseling (AGAIN) but we are totally broke because I'm in school. If I ask him for this, it could very well cause another fight.<br>I guess the reason I stay is that we have lots of similar interests and the same sense of humor, etc. We are like two peas in a pod and we have the best times with each other and no one else. We both like hiking, bookstores, EATING, etc. <br>But he has one hobby I don't share: alcoholism. He hasn't been drunk for six months, however. Because he had a drunk driving accident and he had to face the addiction. Is that what is causing all his sullenness and agression? Losing his alcohol? It was like his best friend for a while...a long while. He gave it up so he could be a happier person and a better husband, according to him. He did this of his own accord and I always tell him how proud I am. Maybe he's just having a really hard time?

Hi Kitty. I read your post, and boy-I could've been the one to write that. I don't know if you've read my post "men with low sex drive", but my story is there. And since I wrote that, I've done a lot of thinking. My husband never really had a strong sex drive. We met in high school and dated steadily for 7 years before we got married. We're both Christians, so we didn't have sex before we were married. Heck, it took him 5 months to even kiss me! I wasn't the aggressive type, so I just waited for him to make the move. I was his first girlfriend, so he had NO experience. We were best friends though, (still are really), so just being together was great. Eventually, we did do a lot of kissing and pretty heavy "petting" before we got married. My husband trained himself into not having to have that need fulfilled, I think. And that seemed to carry into our marriage when we had the freedom to finally "let loose". We made love quite a bit at first, but usually it was me initiating it--and a lot of the times my advances were ignored, or rejected because he was too tired. Then I got pregnant with our first child, and after he was born I had about 6 months or so of no sex drive. So my husband accepted that and put his energy into his business instead. Then things got worse when my urges finally came back, and he was so trained not to have sex that he avoided my advances. Then I would get so hurt, and feel so unloved (since sex and love are so intertwined for me), ugly, and my self esteem plummeted. I built up walls, so I wouldn't get hurt anymore by his rejection. <p>And here we are, in our 12th year of marriage, with three kids, and going through the same thing again as when we first started out. I prayed that God would "fix" our marriage because I was tired of living in the same house but not sharing that special bond that only being intimate can provide. Well God fixed me, but He still has work to do on my husband! I am very much in love with him, and want so badly to make love(God gave me back that urge in a big way!). And like you, I feel like I need it, or at least some form of intimacy, every day. And like you, I have been up at night crying about it. It's torture to be next to him in bed and want his touch so badly, and he's sound asleep within a minute. Does your husband work long hours? Mine does(usually 75 to 80 hours a week--but he's been making an effort lately to be home more), and he's so tired at night that he can't bring himself to think about waking himself up to do anything, because that would take away from his much needed sleep.<p>Things had gotten better since I let him know how I feel, and I thought our marriage was back on the right track-but then I got my period, and so there were a few days that I didn't ask to make love. So here I am now, almost two weeks after my period ended, and he has shown no interest again. AAAAHHHHH!<br>So last night after a good cry, I got up and wrote a letter to God. Oh, I pray about it all the time, but it just seemed that writing a letter would keep me from my desperate rambling that God's used to from me! After I wrote 3 pages of my feelings, I folded the letter with my writing showing, and placed in the garbage. I was hoping that when my husband got up for work, he would notice it. That way he would maybe be able to understand the feelings I'm having. Well, I don't know if he read it or not, but when I got up I got the greatest, longest, most loving hug that I've ever gotten. And he was sure to give me a meaningful kiss(not the mandatory peck) before he left. WOW, that felt great!<p>Anyway, Kitty, after this huge long letter, I just wanted to let you know that I'm right with you. Did you ever think you could feel so lonely with someone right next to you in bed? I hope things get better for you. Try writing him a letter(sometimes husbands have a hard time dealing with face to face feelings-I know mine does). Find out why he's so tired. I made my H start taking vitamins because he's always run down. Have you two talked about if and when you want to start a family? (That might be part of my H's problem, we just use natural family planning, and I think he's afraid of getting me pregnant-so maybe he avoids sex because of that--he is not consciously aware of this, I've asked him-). <p>Whatever you do, try not to put up walls of defense like I did, because you certainly won't get anywhere doing that. You'll go down from once a week to once a month real quickly, and you don't want that!

Kitty;<p>You don't have just a problem with a husband with a low drive. You've got several problems that you've touched on.<p>Your desires to have a great marriage are wonderful: I identify completely. But you've related some real problems: Anger (and physcial violence), dishonesty with his feelings, and probably disrespectful judgements. Your husband is going to have to stop these for you to have a successful marriage.<p>You may also have lovebusters that he can identify. That's information you need to make the changes necessary to improve your marriage.<p>At this point, I'd suggest professional marriage counseling. It'd be great to do it jointly, but do it by yourself if you have to. The sooner you take care of these problems, the sooner you'll have an opportunity to have a happy marriage.

Kitty, your last post goes into a lot more details that are probably relevant to your situation, but responding in depth to the issues raised would be well beyond what is practical- maybe desirable! in a form like this. <br>Don't blame yourself, but do be prepared to look into issues about your own family of origin as well as your husbands. I'd suggest that you might find some very helpful background information in John Bradshaw's books, particularly as relates to family issues and alcoholism. You might start with his book, "On the Family".<br>Unfortunately it sounds like there is a fundamental communication/motivation issue between you and your husband; it is always necessary for both partners to be willing to address and explore issues; as is so often the case, one partner may be in a combination of denial and fear and find it very difficult to do this. Your husband sounds like he is in that mode. Don't give up though, you can gain a greater understanding of your own and his issues by persuing self knowledge, through books such as Bradshaw's and Dr. Harley's. If you haven't read "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Give and Take", I highly recommend them, and they're very reasonably priced in book stores, and even less expensive through the website. Another set of authors I respect greatly are Gay and Kathleen Hendricks, they are very successful thereapists and have written several excellent books together, such as "Conscious Loving" and "The Conscioius Heart". <br>Lastly, watch the violence thing carefully; it's unfortanately an indicator that you're getting close to issues of your husband's which push some very sensitive buttons. My mother's other two husbands were alcoholics or recovered alcoholics; Bradshaw's books addresses issues about them as well as family violence and the propagation of that behavior from generation to generation very well. <br>Above all, keep your head up and take care of yourself- you sound like someone with the resources and integrity to work through them- I hope your husband sees that, too.

Kitty, your last post goes into a lot more details that are probably relevant to your situation, but responding in depth to the issues raised would be well beyond what is practical- maybe desirable! in a form like this. <br>Don't blame yourself, but do be prepared to look into issues about your own family of origin as well as your husbands. I'd suggest that you might find some very helpful background information in John Bradshaw's books, particularly as relates to family issues and alcoholism. You might start with his book, "On the Family".<br>Unfortunately it sounds like there is a fundamental communication/motivation issue between you and your husband; it is always necessary for both partners to be willing to address and explore issues; as is so often the case, one partner may be in a combination of denial and fear and find it very difficult to do this. Your husband sounds like he is in that mode. Don't give up though, you can gain a greater understanding of your own and his issues by persuing self knowledge, through books such as Bradshaw's and Dr. Harley's. If you haven't read "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Give and Take", I highly recommend them, and they're very reasonably priced in book stores, and even less expensive through the website. Another set of authors I respect greatly are Gay and Kathleen Hendricks, they are very successful thereapists and have written several excellent books together, such as "Conscious Loving" and "The Conscioius Heart". <br>Lastly, watch the violence thing carefully; it's unfortanately an indicator that you're getting close to issues of your husband's which push some very sensitive buttons. My mother's other two husbands were alcoholics or recovered alcoholics; Bradshaw's books addresses issues about them as well as family violence and the propagation of that behavior from generation to generation very well. <br>Above all, keep your head up and take care of yourself- you sound like someone with the resources and integrity to work through them- I hope your husband sees that, too.

Sorry Kitty, I must have been writing my reply at the same time you were posting, so I didn't read about the additional problems in your marriage, and in your childhood. I agree with K, it's much more complicated than just a low sex drive. There's other problems that need to be dealt with first.

to Adrifts original post<p>its clear you are on the verge of an affair to get your needs met<p>its clear you feel youve tried everything to get your wife to realise your needs are going unmet<br>this may sound drastic but I would show her your post<br>whilst this may cause considerable upheaval it will be nothing like that compared to an affair<p>if you have an affair it will ruin your life<br>I can assure you<p>if you cant show her your post then I would strongly suggest telling her that you cant go on any more and you both must attend marriage counselling at which you can make heard just how much you NEED SEX and why<p>the why bit is important!<br>many women do not understand at all the physical and physchological needs of a man for sex<p>if it can be explained to her WHY you need it and that you cant go on,she may understand<p>I realise its not simple but believe me an affair is not the way to go<br>

Adrift, Bruce, Val & others...<p>It does seem kinda ironic that all of us who have high sex drives seem to marry someone who is the exact opposite. <p>My situation is that my wife never measured up to my expectations in the bedroom while we were dating, but I thought that given some indications of being adventurous and performing oral sex on occasion, that after we got married that the inhibitions would disappear and sex would be great. Not, it got worse after marriage...much worse. I have been a faithful husband, and it ain't been easy in today's society. My wife is a very attractive lady (former model), but sex, when it does happen, is boring. She only likes missionary position, she is not passionate during sex, I don't even think she fantasizes about sex. That also makes it hard b/c I go out of my way to please her...I really like giving oral sex and sometimes I perform it on her 'til orgasm and don't even attempt to make love to her afterwards.<p>My question is...is sex with any of your spouses fulfilling when you do get it? If so, I think that's half the battle. If not, you're probably like me and is on the verge of ending the relationship b/c this emotional need may never get met sufficiently.

Ace- in answer to your question, yes my husband is satisfied and enjoys it when we do have sex. I wonder, do you think your wife's lack of sex drive is more of an emotional issue than a physical issue? Perhaps she feels you have never been too happy with the sex and doesn't know what to do. That would make me feel insecure in bed. Or, maybe she is shutting you out emotionally because of some issues about sex in her own mind.<br>You may have been told this a thousand times, but just in case...it is very important to most women that they feel loved and cherished during sex. She needs to feel like she is not just "hot" in your eyes but also the sweet woman of your dreams emotionally. The romance thing. <br>Also, many women are taught by their parents that sex is absolutely wrong and they should be ashamed of their sexual feelings. I went through a whole crisis with that when I was a bit younger. Sometimes those feelings of shame which we have been conditioned into can invade our sex lives. It may seem odd to you because your wife is so attractive and you can't imagine how she could be alienated from her own body. But there are lots of different messages society sends to women that can really screw up how we see ourselves.<br>Do you think either one of these things has any relevance? If so, maybe it will be good for you to emphasize how you see your intimacy as an expression of love, and you want to cherish and be close to her. Also make sure she knows how you feel about her femininity, that it is nothing to be ashamed of but something to be proud of and appreciated. Before my H and I married, I went through some of these issues. But when I realized how he felt about my body, that his feelings were not necessarily lude but that he thought I was truly beautiful, things really improved. Now I feel free with my spouse when we are together. When we do get around to sex, it's adventurous. Try giving her a sponge bath or something equally nurturing.

Hi Ace, Welcome to the mess, er, thread.<p>To answer/address your question. I DID find my wife's level of interest in sex to be sufficient and satisfying. She seemed MUCH (much, much, much) more interested in sex back then (15 years ago). To the point of saying things like: "I want to make love in every room of the house", etc. (Now I'm lucky to get her to consent to sex in the bedroom!) She would even "suprise" me once in a while by unzipping my pants while I was driving and fondling me a bit. (NOT recommended by the NTSB or DOT BTW!) Once I was even very pleasantly awaken from a sound sleep by... well, use your imagination.<p>She never really seemed to relish performing oral sex, although she did a more than adequate job - even though she had concerns about size/capacity. She never wanted me to ejaculate in her mouth, and although I would like that, I'd be happy just to have things back the way they were. (Hell, MORE than happy!)<p>As far as her satisfaction goes, that has changed a lot too. (Yes, I know I'm only the man, and can't know what she's feeling, but I know the difference between female genitals that are aroused and ones that aren't.)Although she never had orgasms from intercourse, I enjoy performing oral sex on her. Back then, she had some wet, wild, orgasms. I think now, she has more the "quickie" kind of orgasms.<p>YES - I can hear everybody saying: "You dope, she's going through menopause and her hormone levels aren't what they used to be!". Here, Here! I agree fully. Unfortunately, my wife is a Christian Scientist, and won't go to a gynecologist for periodic check-ups, much less address the menopause problem. (no arousal, little lubrication, no libido to speak of.)<p>So Ace, in short, sex was satisfying (for both of us I think) (much) earlier in our marriage. But now, she just has sex just to get me off her back (pun intended, humor is all I have left!) or out of some sense of duty. I'm sure it's hardly satisfying for her. (Though she insistes it's "alright".) It IS NOT satisfying for me. Sure, I get a physical "release" but knowing that her heart's not in it takes virtually all of the enjoyment out of it. <p>BTW- "Making Love" is generally no more than once a week (and that frequency is reduced VERY often) it HAS TO BE missionary position, and she usually just wants me to "Put it in" and get it over with. Sometimes she will allow me to perform cunililingus on her, but only for one orgasm (if that long). She has not performed felatio in over 1-1/2 years, and that was a complete surprise to me. She hadn't done it before that in several years.<p>(Sorry for the long post, but you should know better than to get a sexually-frustrated person talking )<p>BTW - I just "finished" some EAP provided counseling with a psychologist and since my wife won't address the medical "problems", her only advice is "if you don't want to get divorced, then you'll have to come to terms with your sex life as it is". THANKS A LOT. I know she's probably right, unless somebody get's hit by lightning or something.<p>I'll end this now, but I promise to ramble elsewhere soon!<p>Val<br>(The Husband)

EGAD!, Kitty, get out of there!<p>Sorry, I didn't read all the of thread last time. You husband hit you across the face?! If I did that I'd be dead by morning. (If not from shame, then probably by having a scissors shoved into my ribs as I slept.)To be honest, my wife did throw raspberries (the fruit) at each other once in anger - true! A man shouldn't hit his wife, no excuse, he needs professional help. <p>Sorry, I just can't condone violence against women. In abusive or violent situations, it's perfectaly acceptable to move out until you have some assurance that you won't get beat on some more.<p>I'm gonna have to read this stuff more carefully!<p>(When these threads get long - and long-winded, it can get difficult!)<p>Val<br>(The -non-violent- Husband)

To Val- I can't understand your wife's reaction to the counseling. It seems she has given you an ultimatum-- her way or the highway. It's hard for me to understand a wife's rejection of a husband who wants so much to enjoy intimacy with her and no one else.<br>Again, it almost seems her reaction is an emotional one. Otherwise I can't picture a wife rejecting her husbands emotional needs, and I do believe that sex is one. Most women are empathetic beings and would not reject the stated (and entirely reasonable)needs of a loved one. Is she blocking her feelings of love for you because of some type of old resentment? If she is, it's not necessarily true that it would have come out in counseling sessions. Some folks are very stubborn about revealing their feelings of being hurt. They have alot of pride. Maybe try to scan your memory and see exactly when and where it started? If it started with the early menopause phase, it is quite possible that your wife is in the middle of an argument with her body. It would be hard for you to enter that discussion.<br>I know that when I reach menopause, even if the physical changes don't bother me, it will be a very emotional time. Maybe she is having a hard time accepting what her body is telling her, that she is not a youth anymore. She may feel un-sexy. She may be testing you..how much do you love me? Enough to love me during menopause? We women can be a little impossible at times. Maybe it would help to make some time for "just cuddling." Be protective of her feelings about her changing body and tell her that you love this body, it is the body that has loved you for years and the body that bore your children, if you have kids.<br>If she really doesn't respond to you emotionally, maybe she will go back to counseling with you. It sounds like she is letting you "do your thing" sexually, which is totally inadequate. You need to specify this difference in the setting with a mediator. You don't just need sex, you are after the love, and you want it from her. If she's not willing to give it, it's important that you find out why. Withholding affection is like a form of punishment.

Ki