hey all.<BR>I am new to this forum but thought it would be a great place for some advice and to be honest, some venting.<BR>Let me give some background.<BR>My wife and I have been married for 17 years, we have two teenage daughters.<BR>We have had the type of relationship that others only dream of. Very much in love, we talked on the phone every single day, wrote notes to each other every day, great sex life, perfect right?<BR>About a year ago, I started a new job with the same company that got me off of midnight shift work. About this time, I started to notice a slight change in her. But very slight.<BR>She was working a job here in Park City, Utah that she hated. She quit that job at the beginning of the summer and was having problems finding a new one. Depression became a problem and she went on anti-depressants. About this same time, all of her really good friends left the state. But during all this, we were still very close and still in love. She went to visit her good friend in Reno one week this summer and when she got back, she told me she loved me but was not in love with me and was thinking of leaving. I was crushed to say the least. We wre able to calm down and talk about thigs a little, she told me she has been telling me she was unhappy with living here for the last ten years! I never heard it. And now comes the bad part. She then told me that my oldest daughter (16) was date raped when she was fourtenn and didn't tell her until about a year ago. So thats one year since any one told me. Our daughters are very close to her and tell her everything. So we were very baffled about why she didn't tell her mom.<BR>We also talked about me not being as open and comfortable with talking to the kids as she is. I went into therapy to deal with this last month. I asked her to go with me, but she insisted that it was my problem to deal with. Things were going very well, she told my mother and all her friends that she was proud of me and we were doing much better. we wre still very close, sleeping with each other, talking every day.<BR>I left for Orlando last Sunday for a one week buisness trip.<BR>We were calling each other and seemed great until that Tuesday. I kept calling the house into the night and getting only the machine. I called the next morning.Nothing. I finally called my daughters school and they said they moved to Nashville two days ago!<BR>This is how I found out. No note, goodbuys or anything.<BR>I was so shocked I couldn't breathe.<BR>I flew home and called her in Nashville (she is staying with some family friends). Of course the first few conversations were crying and such. She says that she has been telling me these things for years, also We have been mortaging the house to the hilt so this is a part of it. She has asked me for a divorce and to have her name taken off of all joint accounts.<BR>The conversations after that are ok, she says she is humiliated to be sponging off of friends, I decided to be very civil and friendly (whenever i can quit crying) and make sure the kids and her know that I am a stable force in this.<BR>I guess my question is, Has any one been here? Does any one think we can be saved? I have to have that hope as I still care deeply for her and love her.<BR>Sorry this was so long but I needed to get it out. Anyone that would like to respond please do. Dan..

Dan,<P>Is your W originally from the Nashville area? The reason I ask is everything you speak of I also heard from my W. She mentioned no discontent and yet said she had been trying to get me to move back to her hometown for years but that I just "shut down" (this is what it said in her D complaint).<P>I ultimately found out that she has been having an affair with a man (derelict, that is) from her hometown. A combo of midlife crisis and actually living it out with the same guy she had the hots for in HS.<P>Is this possible with your W?<P>Jay

<BR>Dan,<P>I cannot recommend this enough - you need to see a lawyer immediately. I mean NOW. Your wife is taking the children out of their home state to attempt to establish a residency for them elsewhere. You need to have a lawyer file a legal motion to prohibit her from doing this, and at the same time seek temporary custody of the children for yourself. Courts really frown on removing children from their home, and your wife will probably lose a temporary custody decision for what she's done.<P>My guess is that this will compel her to return to Utah where you can try and work on the marriage using Harley principles. <P>Finally, keep a very good journal of all contacts and what was said. Start doing this today, you may need to use it in court later. Do not rely on memory, keep a journal!<P>Call a lawyer NOW. Do it NOW. And don't complain about the lawyer costing money - your family is at stake. Borrow the money for your lawyer, whatever it takes. Do it NOW.<P>Bystander

Bystander - I agree that by her moving the kids from their home state is frowned on, but these kids are teenagers (1 is 16 I think), and he's mentioned that they are very, very close to their mom. Filing for custody in this particular situation I think would be a mistake for him. For one, at the age his children are the Judge will listen to them and where they want to live. 2nd, if they want to be with their mom and he forces them to be with him....well the results could be terrible. His situation is really touchy. I suppose he could get a judge to order her back into their home state but I'm afraid if he pushs she'll resent him all the more. Yet I find it unfair that she just packs up the kids and leaves. Seems like there has to be more there. BTW Bystander....how's things with you?

Thanks you all for replying!<BR>One thing, no, she isn't from the Nashville area, she is from upstate New York and I am from Colorado. We met in the military.<BR>I know I should be alot more upset with her about moving the kids out of state. But like Bonniesept said, they are much closer to her than to me. And I really would like to keep the fighting to a minumum for both of us and the kids. I do belive she still loves me and I do not want to antagonize any chance however slight it may be, to get back together.<BR>This would all make sense if we had many problems prior to this, I know many married people that do not even like each other, but there has never been any affairs or even close. I did become addicted to internet porn about 4 years ago, but that was taken care of and was really not an issue between us. We actually became closer after that, if you can belive that.<BR>I just cannot help but think it is a factor of all these things piling up on her in the last year and she could just not take anymore.<BR>Again thant you all for your replies and am looking for more.<BR>Take care'<BR>Dan..

<BR>Well, if he feels that they are closer to the mother anyhow, and we're not talking about him being nailed to the income shares cross for decades, perhaps he should cede the custody issue. This still doesn't sit right with me, though. There's more to this story that I'm not seeing, I sense.<P>BonnieSept, I'll email offline.<P>Bystander