We had a brief conversation today and I decided to let go. She is happier without me and says she will never want to come back. I know now that she decided this long before she ever told me there was a problem.<P>It has been incredibly painful not knowing what was going to happen and hoping she'd come back and try. I was about out of strength and I had to know for sure. <P>I think I did a good plan A, but the marriage was far too damaged to be repaired by me in the short time she gave me. i bear her no ill feelings and wish her well. We are having amicable discussions about settlement & custody issues, and I hope we can always be friends.<P>Now I can start healing. <P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again

Nick,<P>we are in this together, bud.<P>Its very hard when they don't speak up. Or if we do speak up, its taken the wrong way.<P>It is very hard to let go, for alot that I have done, and to forgive myself for the mistakes I made. <P>Mine said that, although I am still wondering with the answer I got, as I asked Tuesday, after the agreement was done.<P>I think she is going through a MLC, and she will be better off afterwards, though how much I don't know. I know the kids won't be in some respects, I know we both will be in some respects, but I hate it when they decide and are afraid to fail after letting us know.<P>Yes, i can blame alot of people and things. Alot I didn't know, and its very hard when you don't know. Certain actions/reacitdons don't come naturally for me the way my STBX would think they should.<P>See my mediation post. It says about the same concept as yours.<P>tom<P><BR>

It is very tough. It's a shame, because I think there was more good in the marriage than bad. She developed a circle of friends outside our marriage while I was out of town for work, and these people took over providing her emotional needs. It's interesting that they are almost all divorced.<P>I've got to accept that there is absolutely nothing I could have done better in the last 2 months. I know I did not always behave as aloving caring husband, but I've forgiven myself for that.<P>Someday the fog will lift, I'm sure of it. I almost feel bad for her already. She's giving up a wonderful life with me, but it's what she thinks she wants and I have to let her go. I wish her happiness.<P>There's a lot of world out there and I have a lot of life left in me. I'm sure God has someone special out there for me to share all I have to offer with. I have to move on. A very important chapter in my life is drawing to a close, but I still have half the book left. I bet it will have a happy ending <P>Hang in there tom. Remember, "lifes a journey, not a destination"<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again

Letting go is so tough! I am struggling with it, but I keep asking myself why do I want to remain married to a man that is OK with divorce, is OK with not meeting my needs but takinga all he can from me, and tried to justify that "if we get divorced our son will be just fine". I keep asking myself if I should be trying a little harder and NOT give up. I read a posting yesterday "Shake it off and step up". Hit a chord with me. Take a look, maybe it can inspire you too. Good luck!

Nick,<BR>I was initially going to say, "I'm so sorry it is ending up this way," but I changed my mind. I am sorry that you are hurt, and I am sorry that she can not see the man that you are and are becoming, and I am sorry she would not try one more time--but I am not sorry that this happened. It's bittersweet, ya know. <P>You have learned so much. You have grown so much, as a man and as a husband. We here on this forum have all had the chance to meet you and get to know you. Our lives our enriched because this happened. I can't count the number of times we have all been encouraged, supported, and put in our place by you and your wisdom and your honesty. <P>I'm glad that at least you are having a rather amicable split. That is helpful in a way, because it would be so VERY painful if it was bitter. <P>Don't let your heart be too saddened, Nick. We are all still here. We are in this with you. I have to confess, I wish you were on the EN forum or the GQ forum, but you are here, and we will be here for you. <P>You are in my thoughts and prayers,<P> CJ<P>P.S. Will you look in on the EN forum for me tomorrow? Things are very hard for me right now and I need a few of my trusted friends to give me a boost. I can't write now though or I'll cry. See ya tomorrow.

Nick,<P>Do you feel as if a weight has been lifted by your decision? I remember I did. I felt I could just "relax" a little and start healing.<P>You can't heal when your hanging on so tightly.<P>You, and THL, and the rest will find peace and one day even someone new. Until then, remember this is a place to get strength and give hope.<P>Prayers and hugs to all,<BR>Dana<BR>

{{{Nick}}}<P>I've been thinking about you. Your acceptance of what your wife's choice was and your idea of just letting it go and moving on is one I am still working on.<P>I feel like I have failed by not keeping my marriage together, but I tried everything I could to get it there. I have to realize it isn't me, it is his choice to destroy our family, it is him that refuses to try, that says he has no faith, that told me last night that yeah, he might just wake up in a few months and realize it was a mistake, but is still determined to end the marriage.<P>I'm proud of you for your strength, I wish I could find mine to let it go. My attorney says we will basically be divorced by default, just cause we are going through the process, I don't want it, H just doesn't care one way or the other. Our divorce will probably be done by the end of November... yes, it is fast going collaborative. Would be sooner but the attorneys are taking some vacations.<P>My thoughts are with you, Nick. May you find the peace we all deserve.<P>Lori

.<p>[This message has been edited by Trapped Mom (edited March 25, 2001).]

Thanks Dana,<P>I miss hugs a lot, but the ones I get in here help a lot.<P>Lori, <BR>I feel like a failure too. I also feel pretty unattractive and undesirable as well, but I think that's a natural reaction to being discarded.<P>I don't know how or when you decide to let go. My pain was too great to continue any longer with no hope, so I had to let go. I also realized that if she had stayed and was unhappy, I would have been unhappy too. The pain has pretty much started to fade. Now I'm feeling a little angry. All my friends say she is being selfish, and I think there is some truth in that. She is willing to hurt me and my son so that she can be happy. I'm not sure I'd want to live with a person like that anyway.<P>It doesn't take strength to let go. It takes strength to hang on. I'm proud of you for hanging in there. You will know when it is time.<P>Hi there Trapped,<P>Eloquent? Who me? Wish you'd have been one of my creative writing prof's years back <P>I don't know what the message is. Mine to you is "you will be ok". I think your seeing him differently means you have let go. I see her now without as much of the emotional attachment I once had. She's not the same person I married. That's not bad, it just is. I see how we grew apart, and I see the failure more in terms of her not communicating with me and seeking to enrich her life outside our relationship.<P>Definitely concentrate on you & the kids. Take it one day at a time, but make plans for the future and set goals.<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again<p>[This message has been edited by c00ker (edited October 21, 2000).]

C00ker,<P>Go to my <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/001218.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/001218.html</A> instead of me posting here. I address you.<P>------------------<BR>I am in this situation for a very good reason, it just took time to get over my own self-pity and understand why.

Just did...<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again

Hey Nick,<P>Well, it was time! last night was the first full night of sleep I have had in a long time. On Sat, H came by for something (can't even remember what for, now) and I mentioned something about that we may be divorced as soon as the end of Nov. I told him it was obvious that I had made a commitment to the marriage, yet he never had, that his total disregard to even considering working things out was proof that he put his family very low on his list of priorities. I said I would retain hope until he signed the actual divorce papers, but after that he would be "dead" to me. He told me he didn't need that verbal abuse and left.<P>I went into the house, took all his possessions left in the house and boxed them up. Yesterday, I went and bought new prints to hang in the living room. I feel freed, I can now move forward with my own life.<P>I apologized to my younger daughter for what happened, she said it was ok, it wasn't my fault. The 3 of us are going to be fine, we've all realized it is so much less stressful w/o H around. I guess I just had to try as hard as I could... I will always be able to hold my head up, while H is going to have to live with what he has done, the fact that he wouldn't expend a bit of effort into working on the family unit.<P>You are so right Nick, we deserve better, it was time we needed to admit it to ourselves. As far as letting go, I had a wonderful book I got when this all first started happening, Guy Finley's The Secret of Letting Go. It did a lot of help for me then, I think I need to reread it to catch the finer points again.<P>Don't feel discarded... we weren't discarded, they left because they couldn't/wouldn't bother to try. That is a problem with them, not us.<P>Lori

Hi Lori,<P>Hadn't heard from you in awhile & was wondering.<P>I'm remodeling the bedroom (been sleeping on an airmattress for a couple of months) I'm going to move things around & change the look of the room.<P>You sound very strong and positive. The sure sign of letting go. I think it hurts to keep trying, but you only heal when you let go. <P>I had an exit session with Jennifer tonight. Sounds like my plan B is on track. I'm concentrating on me & my son & letting her go. <P>Funny you should mention sleep. I had my first full nights sleep the night I let go. My concentration got better & my appetite improved (although I'm still dropping)<P>You sound good. relax, breathe deep & plan for your future. That's what's keeping me going.<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again<p>[This message has been edited by c00ker (edited October 23, 2000).]