My husband and I have been fighting off and on for over a year now. I have been blaming him a lot. All I am asking for is some affection, other than in the bedroom.<br>He has now told me that I am using him as an excuse, I am not dealing with the real problem...ME. I have fallen into this deep depression. I can't seem to claw myself out.<br>I wonder why he is pushing me away, and the problem is ME. I can't look at myself in the mirror with out telling myself how repulsive and stupid I am. I have no life anymore, I am trapped in thiese four walls called home.<br>I have been in this house for so long that it scares me to go outside. I have trouble meeting people. I hear people in my head telling me I am disgusting. I can't go to the store, I ask my husband to go. I am afraid If I don't get help he won't stay much longer. It is affecting my kids, I don't want them to have the same self-loathing I do. I know that he can't love me until I love myself... How? I am scared of life. Please someone help me.

McMasters,<p>Get some help from a therapist. Call your OB/GYN and get him/her to recommend a therapist to you. Get in as soon as you can. This is not something you can overcome by yourself or through this board. You will need to at least take that first step out of the house. In the meantime find something you do think that you do well. It can be anything no matter how small and look at it three or more times a day. Tell yourself every morning that you are a person of worth. And know that God loves you. You are in my prayers.<p>Steph

Hi McMasters:<br>I've been where you have been. I'm just starting to crawl my way out.<p>I did what Steph suggests, sought help. I'm not sure how things work in the USA, but up here in Canada I went to my family physician who gave me a simple test and then immediately booked me into see a phychiatrist -- I was entering a suicidal state.<p>If you don't address depression things can get a lot worse. Todays generation of drugs can do amazing things. I used the following sites as starting points to help me understand what was going through my head:<p>About depression:<br>http://depression.cmhc.com/<p>On Suicide:<br>http://www.save.org/<p>I would caution you to take anyone's non-professional opinions with a grain or two of salt. That being said I will offer you three things I did to help me.<br>1. Sought professional help; drugs and counnseling.<br>2. Whenever I was especially down I thought about my young children and how much I loved them and how much I wanted to live and see their children.<br>3. Slowly developed a "screw you" attitude. This transformed itself into confidence. Not that I became uncaring, I just recognized that I am not perfect but I am working hard to correct or at least change the things I have control over. I could not control my wife -- I could not change her or her attitudes -- she must want to change these things herself. But that's her problem, NOT mine. <p>Try to be confident, yes its hard, but believe me, there is always someone has has experienced a deeper depression than the one we face and somehow they survived.<p>I still experience days when I become totally frozen ... I can't move. I'll sit at the kitchen table and stare out the window, only to realize that my coffee is stone cold and breakfast time has turned into lunch time. Which of course makes me feel worse (nothing like a healthy dose of self-imposed guilt to make you feel bad.)<p>My wife has never experienced depression, at least to the depths to where I have gone. Other than the fact she was at least patient with me, she never could understand (or wanted to) how many demons I had to deal with. This only made it worse for me -- the most important adult in my life was not there to help me.<p>There is a way out -- it is a very tough route and there could be many ups and downs. Three steps forward and 2 steps back (and sometimes 5 steps back) applies in my case.<p>Slowly I am becoming stronger and more confident. I have a ways to go but at least now I can see light at the end of the tunnel. I hope you can see the light before too long.<br> <p>[This message has been edited by Adrift (edited 12-09-98).]