I just found out that I divorced my ex for all the wrong reasons, the lies I were told, I believed. The divorce happened several years ago. I am now married with children and am not happy. My H now, works very long hours and wont ever tell his boss no. He is on call 24/7 and it is ruining our life. We barely have sex and time alone. Ive been talking with my x and really feeling very good about it all. Im going to see him over the holidays alone. Im not sure what will happen but I need to get away from all of this. Time to get myself together. My x tells me he loves me and wants me back. He said he wont pressure me b/c he doesnt want to lose contact again. I told him that I now have kids and life is complicated. He said that is ok, he wants to take of me and the kids. Any suggestions would help. I keep dreaming of the x and wondering if I should go back to him. The H now is working all the time(80 hour weeks) and its so lonely here. All I want is a H who spends time at home and makes family a priority. HELP >>>>SOON>>

This is a hard one but if I were you I would concentrate on making my current marriage work instead of focusing on one that didn't. Have you tried talking to your husband about his work hours...ya know, how it's really affecting your marriage. Maybe he doesn't know how big of a problem it is. I'm not sure why you are going out of town to see your ex but I would advise against that. I believe you are starting to tread on thin ice if you start seeing your ex again. That would only lead you to want to start cheating on your husband with him...maybe not physically but atleast emotionally. I could be very wrong, but it looks like you are trying to run away from the issue instead of really trying to come to some compromise about it. I would think about the visitation with your ex and also your actions before you do something that you may end up regretting.<p>Just some things to think about, but it sounds like your husband is a hard worker and a good provider; he may just need to be reminded of what's important...your marriage.<p>Keep us posted. :-)

Ok, first thank you for trying, but I HAVE told my husband, countless times about what his work is doing to our relationship. I even gave him the paper and circled ads. He said after the new year things will change. This has been going on for years now. We cant plan anything together b/c he gets called away. What i was asking before, was, I now know i divorced my x for the wrong reasons, should i consider going back. I do believe there is love there and that is what the trip will tell. My current H says he loves me but it doesnt feel like love, more like a friend. We hardly ever have sex, b/c he is too tired, which he is....it is so screwed up..i just want to be happy again.

It sounds like you've made up your mind to take your ex-husband back. Try to keep an open mind as you're reading this post, because you're probably not going to like my response. I know what it's like to be in a marriage where you're starved for sex and affection. My soon-to-be ex-husband started working long hours immediately after we married. It was painful and I felt so very lonely. I felt cheated since he spent so much time with me before marriage and I wondered if he was having an affair. Also, I started to doubt my own attractiveness. Looking back, I realize that I spent an inordinate amount of time worrying about his absence -I depended on him to supply my self worth and happiness. I didn't invest time in finding ways to quell my loneliness -volunteer work, hobbies, continued education. I tried to make him the sole source of my happiness. To my knowledge he wasn't having an affair. He explained that he's deathly afraid of being poor. His grandfather had Alzheimer's and he's afraid that he will succumb to the same illness so his goal is to make as much money as possible and retire at age 45. We didn't split because of the long hours. Our demise involved a combination of things -mental cruelty, lack of affection, controlling behavior, selfishness. There may be additional issues that you didn't mention in the post. Understand that I'm only addressing the problem that you discussed.<p>Regretfully, I'm very near divorce, but there is an element in your case that doesn't exist in mine -Children. The children that you have are by your current husband, that being the case, try everything you possibly can to make the marriage work. The two of you owe it to those children. You need some coping mechanisms. I strongly suggest marital counseling. Along with the counseling, start doing some things that you enjoy (not with other men). Start a hobby, go back to college -just do something for yourself. <p>When you approach him about counseling, tell him that you understand he's working hard because he loves his family and express sincere appreciation for his efforts (they need so much appreciation). Explain (yes again) the affect his absence is having on you and the children. If your situation is anything like mine was, you spend a great deal of time feeling angry. Believe it or not, that anger can be seen and felt by your husband (they pay attention to body language -just like we do). He may be angry with you for not understanding and this will cause him to work even longer hours. <p>Ultimately the decision is yours. However, if your ex-husband has your best interest in mind he will give you time to sort out your current situation. You mentioned that you divorced your ex for the wrong reason -Time has a way of making us forget all of the little problems that existed in prior relatioships. Think long and hard before breaking up your family to go back to someone who may not be there for you and the kids (those bothersome things that you've forgotten over time may resurface). I know the urge is strong because your ex is promising you love and since you're starved for affection it sounds very appealing. You're so vulnerable that this is the worst time to make a decision about being with another man. Your marriage could come to a screeching halt, if your husband finds out about your ex. Your children would probably be aware of the circumstance behind the sudden breakup. Are you prepared for all of the consequences?<p>Best of luck.<br>

I appreciate all that you said but I did leave out some things. One of our children is very ill and he has a lot of commitments here at the house. I cannot leave him with any babysitters. My H works ALL the time, says we just cant make it on less. Since I had to quit work, and cannot go back due to our ill child, he works. I DO starve for adult conversation and attention. I cannot get involved in groups due to my son and our church has no one our age. Counseling I believe is out of the question, he cant find the time to come home,let alone to a counselor. Im not planning on sleeping with my x just have conversation. I need him as a friend and I need to forgive myself for hating him over the wrong reasons. I left him for cheating on me and found out after all these years, that he didnt. I know I was STUPID...but whats done is done, now what? I feel so confused.