My boyfriend of four years has full custody of his two middle-schoolers. Complicated factors (abandonment by<br> the mother, a disfiguring accident involving the girl, a protracted period during which he didn't date) has<br> resulted in an unusual degree of closeness (even enmeshment) among them. This has made our relationship<br> exceedingly difficult for me. Because our child-rearing philosophies differ markedly (he's very lenient, I'm<br> authoritative), we decided early on that marriage/blending would be too problematic and that it would be best to<br> leave things as they are for now. However, I feel increasingly left out and even pushed aside by the intimacy the<br> three of them share. Although he claims to love and respect me, any suggestions or opinions I offer (even my<br> feelings, it seems to me) are dismissed as those of one who "doesn't understand kids." I'm continually told that<br> the kids (discipline, etc.) are his concern alone and that I'm being hypersensitive, but this sense of exclusion<br> hurts and angers me to the point that I very much resent the kids (they're constantly competing with me for his<br> attention - and winning) and every little thing sets me off; the tension is taking a toll on our relationship, and I<br> fear we won't survive if we can't reach some resolution on this issue. Help!!! <br>

I posted this same reply under resolving conflict. Your needs pale in comparison to the needs of the children in this case. They already have had a tough go of it and statistically are more likely to have relationship problems later in life than most. I know my answer sounds very wrong on a forum that is for mending relationships but in this case I feel you must play the hand you are dealt or find a new game. The children are simply more important than your needs. Why would you compete with kids for their Father? Perhaps just a simple open family sit down would help. Maybe you are misunderstanding what is really going on.