<br>Last night, I told my H that I thought one of us needed to move out. This was after a big argument, where I finally had enough, and said some very hurtful things back. I usually avoid saying very hurtful things, but I let loose, and told him that I couldn't stand the sight of him, and that most of the time I hate him. I told him that he has done everything to me short of beating and cheating on me, so I don't think there's much chance of the next man being worse than he is. I got really ugly, and I can say that he gets very ugly like this all the time, but this is a first for me. I then left and went to a Christmas party, after telling him that I wanted him out.<p>When I got home, he apologized and told me, once again, that he'd like to work on our marriage. I told him that I can't take any more abuse, and he understood. He also told me that what I said had hurt, but that it was really good for me to say it, because it made him really understand what he had put me through.<p>Tonight we were talking, and he started telling me that we (the baby and I) would be much better off if he killed himself. He has been saying this for about a week. I've told him repeatedly that it would ruin our lives if he did that. I've done everything I can think of to assure him that it is not the answer. I've even told him that it wouldn't help one bit because we don't have any life insurance right now. This had usually made him laugh, but not tonight.<p>Tonight he started saying this, and told me that he had bought a gun, and started telling me to leave him alone, because right now he can't think of a reason not to end it. I told him that I think he needs to get help. This did not help matters. I told him that it would scar our daughter's life, and mine. I told him that she would always think that her father did not love her enough to stick around. None of this seemed to help. He went to bed. I tried to hug him, but he wants me to leave him alone. I'm not going to, I am going to go in and cuddle with him in a minute. I don't know where this gun is, or even if there is one, especially since there is a waiting period.<p>Please advise me.

Deanne,<br> Nothing you can do can change his mind. Please watch yourself. Too many times a husband who decides to kill himself will also kill their family. If he has really bought a gun, notify some authority about his threats. At the least, they can Baker Act(involuntary evaluation) him so he doesn't harm himself, or any of you. If he is serious, this is doing him help, not harm.<br> My first husband used the threat of suicide if I left him, "nothing to live for". I had to decide I wouldn't be doing either of us any good to stay out of pity or guilt. He has since done fine, remarried after 6 yrs, has a new child, and has always been a good(involved)father with our own son. <br> Please keep us posted. My prayers are with you.<br> Aileen<br>

Deanne,<p>Do anything you can to get him into a therapist. He needs help and he needs it now. This is not something you or he can fix by yourselves. I've gone down this path and he needs help. Good Luck. <p>Steph

deanne,<p>Ditto on Steph's advice. It's serious. A threat of suicide is the 'ultimate' act of a Taker. Therapy or calling 911 (you hate to involve the police) is the way to go if you think he's truly serious.<p>FWIW; I believe that your marriage can be saved. I say that to almost everyone, so take it with a grain of salt. I do think that you may be to the point of separation, but if you and your husband start counseling together, there's no reason why the both of you can't learn to care for each other.<p>But at this point, it's not a "do-it-yourself" job.

Thank you all for your responses. I called a crisis hotline last night, and felt a little bit better about things, signs to watch for, how to help, etc. I talked to him this morning, and he told me that he did not have a gun (I didn't think he did- but it wasn't something I wanted to risk) and that he just wanted me to realize how serious he was. We talked about his business, and he got a lot off of his chest. Later, he called me from work, and told me that he felt better than he has in a long time. He thinks that he just needed to get it off his chest. I have told him that I called the hotline, and that he needs to get help. I think we'll have to sit down this afternoon and make an appt., because I can't be the one to solve all of his problems.<p>K, I go back and forth about whether my marriage can be saved. I know that it is against my faith to lose hope, but sometimes I get so low, that I can't see any hope for it. Thank God that I am forgiven for this sin of lack of faith. <p>Whenever he is nice, and seems to recognize the pain he has caused, I feel like there is a chance. But, after a few days of him being hateful and abusive, I lose hope.<p>Right now, I feel hopeful. I hope it stays this way. <p>Thank you all so much.

My H has even threatened suicide, but always during an argument when he says that we would be better off without him. (Ande deanne, he has a pile of insurance) I keep trying to tell him that suicide is the ultimate act of cowardice, because strong moral and physical courage is extremely important to him. He thinks that asking for help is a huge sign of weakness. He knows all of the terrible things that happen to family and friends of suicides, bc his cousin did this about 6 years ago.<p>I have never really beleived that he would do this. Maybe I am too much into denial?<p>I hope that your good time keeps on going and getting better. You probably feel better just yelling and getting a lot of your own frustration out!! We all need that at some point. I did it just 2 days ago!!<p>Maria

deanne:<p>I'm not sure if you know my story (it's been posted several times now, and my fingers are too tired to repeat it). But while I was trying to do my best to save our marriage for a 'long' time (6-9 months); I really didn't have much (or any) hope that I would be successful. I tried not to dwell in self-pity or anger, but I simply knew that the odds were not in my favor.<p>I basically put my attempt for reconciliation in the hands of God and Marriagebuilders. I worked hard at implementing the things I though I needed to. I took comfort in that--- but lets face it, when your spouse isn't responding outwardly to your 'heroic' efforts, there's not a lot of comfort there.<p>God doesn't need to forgive you for that lack of faith: it's when you feel that it's renewed that you know he's breathed on you and given you strength to continue. <p>Another interesting thing from my situation: when my wife actually started to respond (but not always, not consistantly) near the 'turnaround' point, that was the hardest for me. I could see how close we were, and my frustration would come creeping out. In some ways, it can be easier to face a hopeless task. It's how you manage the 'hope' that will help to determine your success. <p>Good luck. I hope the two of you can get into counseling soon.