I am a 46 year old male and have been married for 23 years, most of it very happy and fulfilling. Like every marriage, we had our ups and downs. We had two kids, both now adults and on their own. Our problems started a couple of years ago when conversation between us dried up. The situation was exacerbated by a medical condition that affected amongst other things, my sexual drive. It caused me to become withdrawn and introverted. I isolated myself. My wife asked me many times to discuss what was going wrong between us, but I avoided the subject. In the process I neglected her and did not show her the affection and love that she needed. As a result she looked for love and affection elsewhere and found it in the arms of a male work colleague. I am not sure how long the affair lasted as she is not willing to talk about it. She gave me a letter in February in which she said that she was moving out as our marriage had failed. She also told me that she was having an affair. My whole world suddenly crashed. I realised then that I had lost something very precious to me - my marriage and my wife. I also realised that I still loved her very much. I still do. My life was turned upside down and I suffered immense pain, hurt, grief, remorse, anger and anxiety. The situation was made more difficult for me because she moved out of the house, I was not in favour of it but agreed to it. It is still something that I am unable to cope with. I miss her terribly. I have made many friends since, but yet the feelings of loneliness and emptiness persist. We tried to get a reconciliation going, but progress is hampered by my erratic behaviour. I simply do not know how to deal with my anger and frustrations. It sometimes gets the better of me and then I say things which I regret afterwards. I feel that separation and divorce is not the answer, but do not know how to overcome my weaknesses. Any advice?

Welcome <B>janko</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://pages.ivillage.com/re/mb_nsr/MB_GW.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>To me it sounds like you could benefit from some anti-dep medication...<BR>...check out my <A HREF="http://pages.ivillage.com/re/mb_nsr/MB_NPT.html" TARGET=_blank>Notable Posts/Threads</A> post.<P>As far as explanations and an approach to take... do get and read the book <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank> "Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>...<BR>...it is the basis for the "infidelity" concepts that MB tries to address.<P>Do start on a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>Check out <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A> for some of the basics to the mechanics...<BR>...and yes... you can do this even though separated!<P> <P>Jim

Janko - I know you're in a tremendous amount of pain. The death of my marriage came after 17 years of my unfailing commitment to it. And it was really tough. REALLY tough!<P>For starters I recommend counseling, it would be wonderful if you could get your wife to go. Perhaps there are some things left that you could work on to restore the marriage.<P>Secondly, it does sound like you are depressed. And that would be normal. You should definitely talk with your doctor about what is going on emotionally and in your life. <P>Finally, I firmly believe in prayer. I do that a lot. Sometimes I don't get what I've prayed for but I do end up getting something even better. <P>God bless you as you struggle through this time of personal emotional wilderness. <P>And, yes, indeed!!! There is life after separation. Life after marriage. Life after divorce. You can do this. Sometimes, though, it's hard to know if you can hang on long enough to find the greener pastures.