I am making myself crazy. Can't quit crying! I cannot focus on anything or I guess rather the word is "obsess" on this part of my life. Right now, nothing else matters. I try to do some work, but only end up messing up. I am trying to be the perfect wife. I have no idea if it is working. H says he doesn't know what he wants, and that he doesn't want to hurt me. Hates making me wait for his decision on whether or not he wants to work this out?? Tells me he is going to make an appointment for a counsellor, but keeps putting it off. He really is a great man and in a great deal of pain himself, but how can I remain patient and feel like I am the only one trying to actually deal with this instead of running away.<BR>I don't know where to turn or what to do. Communication is iffy at best right now. Anyway, this board is a great place to vent! I have picked up some valuable information from all of the posts. <BR>Sorry if this doesn't seem to make a whole lot of sense... I'm just barely coping right now.

Blindsided,<P>I'm so sorry you are hurting like this now. Here's a cyberhug.<P>{{{{{{{{{{Blindsided}}}}}}}}}}<P>I don't think you are obsessed, just shaken to the core. I know I was. When my H first left me, I was "together" and "strong" for about two days. Suddenly, on the third day I started to cry, and I literally couldn't stop. I cried for three days straight, night and day; deep, gut-wrenching, soul-jerking crying. BTW, when you cry like that, the spot on your eyes that is usually dark undercircles becomes white and puffy! It's kinda wierd. But anyway, what you are going through and feeling is completely normal. Your name says it all. You were blindsided. <P>I know it's not a lot of help today, but you will eventually stop crying. For today, though, take some time off for yourself if you can. Don't even try to go to work if you don't have to. This is the rainy day that you save up all those vacation days for, so use some time and take care of yourself. If you have to go to work, don't even try to put up a brave front--let any friends you have at work know what is happening. I will never EVER forget the kindness of my boss when I told her what was happening and SHE said, "What do you need from us? Time off? Leave of absence? Moral support? Flex time?" Her kindness and understanding made me feel a little more human. <P>At the time my H left me, I didn't yet know about this forum, so I felt very alone. If you can see through the tears, post on here and share your story with us. We will be here to support you, to listen, and to call you to task when you should be. Welcome to the MB forum. <P>You are in my thoughts and prayers,<P> CJ

Hey blindsided123,<P>Sorry I am not too familiar with your story, but from what you posted here, it sounds pretty familiar. At least the part about trying your damnest to do everything to make H happy, the crying, and the 'unsure' H. Maybe if you could give me a little backround, I could try to help more. <P>Are you dealing with infedelity? If so, which one of you are the WS(wayward spouse). are there children involved? How long have you been married? <P>You don't have to answer anything you don't want to, but I would love to try to help. In the meantime, be yourself. There is no such thing as the pefect wife. Look in the mirror and encourage yourself. Cry all you want, it sure does help, but remember everyone makes mistakes.<P>I'm at work right now, so hopefully by the time I get home, I'll have more time to respond. In the meantime, here's a hug...<P><B>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{BLINDSIDED123}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}</B> <P>Take care...<P><P>------------------<BR><B>Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...Courage to change the things I can...And the wisdom to know the difference.</B><P>lady_divine77@yahoo.com

Thanks for you support, I do know that one day I will stop crying. Neither of us cheated. We just quit paying attention to each other and I now have a job that keeps me on the road. I basically left the household with him when I took this job. Except when I should have been telling him what a great job he was doing I just griped about all of the things that weren't "perfect" aka the way I would have handled things. He tends to keep things bottled up and to himself until he just cant take it anymore, then just kind of shuts down. Finally he says to me "I cant live like this, I want out". I never realized what I was doing to him or how I was treating him. We never yelled or screamed or really even fought, so I just assumed everything was allright. Then BOOM last week he tells me all of this. As for time off work, I cant really do that. I am at home this week, but on the road next week with things that I can't put off. I am hoping that work will at least give me some time at home to work on this and not be so busy. Anyway, my thoughts are so jumbled right now I have no idea if what I am saying even makes sense... I guess I am just hoping to hold it together and make this the priority in my life and that he will give me a second chance to prove that I can be the wife that he wants me to be...

Blindsided123,<P>I think its great that you are talking responsibility for your part. But try not totally blame yourself and remember, it does take two to make or break a marriage. Like the majority of us here, lack of communication was a major influence on the status of our marriages.<P>It's not over!! I can't guarantee anything, but plan A your heart out. Try to have very low expectations. Maybe you should make an appointment for yourself. Then try to get him to go with you. Try not to beat yourself up too much. Believe me, I know how hard that is to do. You feel as if you would have just done this or this, things would be different. <P>I think that the lovebusters section on this site would be a awesome place for you to start to look at. The book is also great! Keep you head up. This is so very fresh for you, so ofcourse you are gonna cry, get angry, get sad, get happy or even anxious. Just vent away whenever you need to. There's a lot to learn here and a lot that I'm sure you too can offer to us. <P>I will keep you and your marriage in my prayers. Don't lose hope! <P>------------------<BR><B>Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...Courage to change the things I can...And the wisdom to know the difference.</B><P>lady_divine77@yahoo.com

Thanks again.. I started with a counsellor this morning. First session so I didn't expect too much. Basically she told me what I already knew. I know it is crazy, but I really wanted to hear some kind of plan of action. Not the one that I had already come up with. I really feel odd, all I do all day long now is wait for him to come home, wait for him to call, wait to hear his voice. I do blame him as well, for not telling me how much the things I said or did bothered him so that we could have taken care of this before now.<BR>However, I did/do know how sensitive he is and that he keeps things to himself until he absolutely can't handle it anymore. I just ignored the signs. Maybe with some help I can notice the signs and we can work through this. I would say there is some chance that we work this out. Just not sure how much. I dont think he even knows yet. Last week it was a sure thing that he was leaving. This week he says he isn't sure. I am afraid that when I leave town next week it will be back to the point he wants to leave because I wont be here to show him that I care. I am going to fight for this, that's really all I know for sure. Just seems like everything is against it right now... Im sure you know what I mean.

Hi Blindsided,<P>I know the pain you are feeling. You won't stop crying as long as you keep trying. (that's REALLY bad, but it's true) What I mean is, as long as you are invested emotionally in this relationship there can be great pain. Only if you let go, will the pain go away completely. You are in plan A and it's very difficult. I know.<P>Something you need to be aware of is depression. The crying is one sign of it, but so is weight loss, sleeplessness, and an inability to focus. These are things to watch out for.<P>The pain does get better, it comes and goes, but it wiil get better. Time is what it takes.<P>Good luck, you have come to the right place. I have been helped by many, many smart people on this forum, especially over in EN. The resources here are very good. Use them all you can.<P>Take care...<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again

Thanks Cooker I do have a lot invested in this. As for the sleeplessness, not eating, upset stomach. Going through all of that now. Been since Sunday really that I have slept, eaten, or even been sane. Right now, I just cant let go. I have too much at stake to just toss it away. Emotionally anyway. This is a first for me. I took the vows very seriously when I finally decided to get married. Wasn't an easy decision for me. I had been single for so long, it was hard to imagine having someone else that important in my life. Now it is just the opposite. <BR>This really is a great site. I have found so much inspiration (through the tears) in here. Nice to talk to people who don't just feel hate towards their x-es but instead understand that it hurts. And that you learn from your mistakes.

Please don't think I was encouraging you to give up. I only meant that plan A is very hard. (even harder on your own)<P>Continue counselling, read the material. Come in here to vent & get support. <P>I know it can work. I'm just not going to be a poster boy for MB principles <P>Take care. You are a good person and you can succeed.<P><P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again

Thanks Cooker, I must have given the wrong impression.. Took your words as encouragement. Just having a really bad day. Was supposed to leave town next Tuesday for a business trip, just found out I have to leave Monday again. All I want to do is stay here and work it out. Will be gone two more days than expected. <BR>Can't say enough about this site. My spouse happens to be my best friend as well, so I am in kind of a bind about who? where? to talk to right now. Don't really want to turn to some of my friends just because I don't want to involve them in this mess. They are actually part of the problem anyway since I tended to spend way too much time with them. <BR>Anyway, I had a chance to talk to the spouse for a few minutes today. It's always civil and he says he feels terrible about the way I feel and what this is doing to me, but he just can't help the way he feels. Says he loves me, but just wants to be alone right now away from everyone, including his own daughter (we have custody-she is 16). Not real sure how I am supposed to react. Maybe being gone next week will actually be better since I won't start crying every time I see him. Anyway, thanks again for all of the support.

Have you ever busted out crying at work? Have you ever had to go hide for a few minutes so that you don't have to explain to your co-workers that "nothing is wrong." (Oh, but everything is wrong!)<P>I work in a clean-room in a semiconductor fab. To keep a sterile environment, I wear a uniform, like everyone else, where the only part of me that is visible are my eyes. Kind of hard to miss tears coming from them. At the craziest times, too. I have to keep somewhat the appearance of knowing what I am doing and that I am in control of myself, and sometimes it is so hard. Yeah, someday this may very well pass. Someday.

Turn to us, but turn to your God as well.<P>Find yourself first, that is what plan A is all about. Seek counselling. Get feedback in here. Give it time, because it takes time. Sometimes lots of time.<P>Try to talk. That's probably the best therapy for both of you right now. Make time for just the two of you if you can.<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again

Bernzini<BR>Try living with 6 people in your house and 4 have no idea what is going on.... I work from home or I am on the road, so I am just praying that it doesn't happen next week when I am on a client site.... Who knows. For right now, I just stay in my office most of the day and come out only when my eyes aren't bloodshot... (About every 3-4 hours.) <P>Cooker<BR>Been there done that. Prayed more in the last week than I probably have in the last year. Amazing, how you suddenly remember your faith when something goes bad... Another hard reminder of things that I had let go, "because of time".. I am sure that I will find time for the important things again. Hopefully it will include the H as well. <P>

Blindsided123-<P>Like many others here I can feel your pain and if I could do anything in my power to make all your hurt go away and have your partnership like new I would! But, finding your road back seems from what we all have read and learned from this site takes much more work.<P>I really hope that you take a step back and really think about self-care for yourself as your #1 focus and priority in the next few weeks.<P>Yes something else does in fact matter and that is YOU! No matter what happens, you are the most important component in what happens and where you decide to go from where you are at right now!<P>Try to work to see that in the next 2-3 weeks that you and your husband do not make any life changing decision while you both are so emotionally charged. Many therapists will tell you that if you can get both of your emotions to flatten out or stablize that you both stand a better chance to look at where you both are at, make a decision that is not driven by emotion and gives the two of you the biggest chance for success. So, as others have said here can you take some time off, collect your thoughts, for yourself you may want to consider seeing a therapist to help you first then that will give you the strength to try and do what you want to really do without being driven by all the raw emotion that is circling around your soul right now.<P>Why not ask your husband if you both can agree to a "Time Out" and that before any decision or actions are taken that you both agree to not make any decision and to agree to at least 2 sessions joint sessions (and maybe sepearate/individual ones too)to sort out where you both are at before you decide if you are going to both "Work" it out. Do you really feel like you both have an understanding of what the real top 4-5 issues are in your relationship that need to be looked at in the mirror and behavior changes as well? Give it some thought.<P>Best to you and I hope you find your way back!<P>mr rlk

MRRLK <BR>Thanks for the advice. I went to my first session yesterday morning by myself. He does say that he doesn't want to make a final decision until after he makes an appointment to go see a separate therapist as well. I am hanging on by the thread. Right now, I am thinking that working will help me some. Right now all I am doing is sitting at the house reliving all of the stupid things that I have done. I have tried to do exercise, clean, or basically anything but just sit here and think, but find it impossible to do so. As for work, I really dont have much of a choice anyway. I am leaving for a week on Monday and scared to death of what I will come home to. Part of me wants to go, the other part wants me to stay so that I can prove that my intentions are honest and I want to do anything in my power to work this out. The therapist said I was on the right track recognizing that I needed to change things. Guess I was a little disheartened with the session though, I really wanted to hear something that I didn't already know and be able to sit down and formulate some kind of plan. She basically told me that I was doing the right thing and just to keep it up. Maybe it is just the state of mind that I am in, and I am doing the right thing, but I just want to do MORE! I want to do everything humanly possible to make this work. It pretty much means everything to me. I have always considered myself such a strong person and many people have told me the same things, but now I see I was hiding behind some facade. I have never felt so helpless in my life.

I think you should stop beating yourself up. This is NOT about you, it is about him. You said that you should have seen the signs. Well, if something was wrong, then he should have TOLD you. You should not be expected to read his mind or to be a detective. They invented language for a reason. <P>You said that he doesn't even want to be with his own daughter now. That strikes me as odd, as well as further indication that this is his problem. <P>I would bet my bottom dollar that he is having an affair.

Nellie<BR>While I respect your opinion, it's hard to explain him. I am not taking 100 percent blame for all of this. I am taking blame for my part. As for an affair, I once suspected he was, but I know that he is not. He has literally bottomed out emotionally. You are absolutely right that he should have told me long before it got this far that he was unhappy with the way things were going, but he didn't. I can't change the things that I have said and done in the past and neither can he. We can only move on. I am more than willing to take the first steps to prove my willingness to recommit to this relationship. I also realize that it will take both of us. I however, will not, and cannot beat him up without "fixing" what I have done wrong. I will not blame someone else for things that I have done. He will have to be the one to realize what his part in this is without me "telling" him. We both have faults and we both failed to recognize them. We are hopefully starting to do that now. <BR>I am sorry if I seem a little angry, but I feel very strongly about making sure that I recognize the mistakes that I have made so that I try not to repeat them. <BR>

blindsided123-<P>I'm going to agree that Nellie1 has a good point...stop beating yourself up! You did the best you could do all these years...and right now looking at what you DID NOT do all these years will not help you move forward. You know that looking at the "Emotional Needs" questionaire that the Harley's have on this site is maybe a great place to start looking at what needs to be looked at. As you know, that list is very complete and could be a good starting point for you and your husband to look at for areas that each of you may not have been meeting for your partner. I'm going to assume that as many of us have found after reading that document we really had a long way to go to (A) understand the whole list (B) really look in the mirror and ask ourselves if we were meeting those needs for our partner (C) Then to ask our partner what their assessment of our meeting their needs in the key areas was and last (D) the overall rank order of the needs from 1st to last from our partner looking at the top 5 real close.<P>Remember to do something special for yourself since self-care is important for you as you go through this troubling time in your life.<P>Remember...you can only work on yourself first and decide what you want, calm (not denial of) those raw and painful emotions that have you on a rollercoaster as best you can, identify what you need to work on and improve and need more of from your husband as he works through the same issues/questions from his point of view for your consideration as well.<P>God Bless You.<P>mr rlk