Hi all, I've been here just not posting. Lurking in the shadows as it were but still following most the the threads on this board. Yesterday was a really bad day for me because I finally found out that even though I was in denial of it that my STBX did and is having an affair. Even though I had suspected as much from the little evidence that I found, I still chose not to believe it and I chose to believe her when she said there was no affair. Alas from the mouths of babes came the truth. My daughter told me about it and confirmed my suspictions. That the man over at her moms was the same man I suspected from the beginning and she told me how they carried on while they thought she was asleep in her room. Even though I suspected the affair, confirmation of it came as a heart wrenching crush. Why? I don't know. I think back over our entire marriage, and I know it couldn't have been from lack of love or attention. I know I was meeting her needs in that respect she wasn't meeting mine though. I do admit that I may not have met her needs for extra cirricular activities, such as getting out more, and time to ourselves, but I still don't think that should warrant an affair with a co-worker. I honestly don't understand what she sees in this guy, he's got the puss of a moldy pizza, the only thing that I can see is that he doesn't have children and makes alot of money thus giving her every opportunity to go out and party when she doesn't have responsibility of our daughter. I'm wondering if I should confront her with the information that I know and demand an explanation, but somehow I don't think I'll get one, and knowing her she'll still deny the whole thing anyway. About the only thing that would accomplish is starting a fight again and frankly I'm tired of the fighting and lying. Although the truth and an explanation from her or even the words "I'm sorry" would have been at least decent of her, she says we have nothing to discuss unless it's the welfare of our daughter. Well now that I know, I think I'm ready to move on. I may never know the reasons why, I can only speculate. She's made her life now and she has to live with it I suppose. But you know? Knowing the truth doesn't hurt any less. Thanks for letting me vent again, seems about all I'm ever doing these days, think I need to get involved in the more light hearted threads. Maybe we can start a joke thread for divorced and divorcing people, somehow, someway, someone has to see the humor in all this, maybe we're just looking at it all the wrong way, who knows. Thanks again. Jax <p>[This message has been edited by Jax (edited October 20, 2000).]

Hi Jax,<P>Been there, done that, got a T-shirt and a hat too. Wound up with my daughter awfully angry at me too. It was over a year before she wanted to visit me, or even talk to me.<P>Jax, you don't have "the truth", and probably never will. You can get threads of information, maybe even some facts, and maybe some information that is accurate. The fact that it is accurate doesn't mean it is true. <P>It sounds like you have lost contact with your STBX for now, Please, Please, don't take a chance on losing your daughter too. <P>I know you are hurting now, but your daughter is in a very vulnerable spot. May I suggest that you be real careful about using your daughter to supply information about STBX and OM? Maybe listening to what your daughter wants to say is OK, but be really careful about pumping her for information. It puts ungodly pressure on the child when separated parents talk to each other through her, and heaven knows what goes on in that little mind is she falls into the role of a spy. You can't win this one and everyone can lose.<P>My ex and I have been divorced now for sixteen years, we are long since "over it". We didn't get over it by continuing to do mean things, we did it by helping each other get started in new lives, and working together as best we could for the children we still needed to love, raise and educate. My ex lent me the money to swing a mortgage loan for my house. When my ex bought her new house, she needed a new refrigerator. I gave her one as a house warming gift. It was the best investement I ever made. I was able to respond to her kindness with kindness, and the need to see her hurting died.<P>My daughter will be married this afternoon, and my ex and I will walk her down the aisle together.

Jax,<P>Hang in there buddy. My prayers are with you and all the betrayed.<P>I know exactly what you mean about maybe going out a little more or more vacations and so forth. I don't know how old your children are, but for me, with only one child (4 yr old), this was going to be the only time in my life that I was going to be the parent of a young child. I relish nothing more than seeing the world through her eyes.<P>In my case, I went to 4 months of counseling without an answer as to why her feelings had changed. I always told myself that if I found out about an affair, I would have some sort of answer and feel some relief. The discovery relieved me for about an hour, that was all.<P>I don't know what she sees in him either. We are both professionals and the OM is her HS crush and never graduated HS. He ran into some inheritance, plays a lot of golf, and thinks he is leading that "country club lifestyle." He also has the puss of a moldy pizza.<P>They just don't understand that you can't work on a marriage when there are three involved. The only responsibility they have with the OP is to have a good time. It makes the REAL life you both selected seem so mundane, the bills, the children, the routine, the mood swings, etc....<P>If only they could look at it as an opportunity to rejuvenate, give it that feeling of newness that ultimately wears thin or down to nothing. It doesn't stay new forever, and it won't with the OP.<P>I'll bet your W's OM will get a dose of reality when he realizes the baggage that comes along with the children. My W's OM (so I heard) cringed and had to "leave the scene" when my daughter started crying.<P>I don't know if this is denial, but I believe the WS's true feelings are buried somewhere and when they re-emerge, depending on how proud they are, may or may not let the world know. I know in my W's case, if they come back, nobody will ever know it but her. She projects to the world such strength and confidence. She never shows any sign of personal weakness.<P>Anyway, hang in, and ride the waves.<P>Jay

I guess I need to clarify something. I haven't and never will I use my daughter for information. Everything she told me, she did so on her own. I just listened and tried to explain to her about her mother's behavior. When she told me she seemed quite bothered by it, I surmise because her mother was with another man. But thanks for your concern in that dept. that is certainly one relationship I don't intend to screw up, and I am quite aware of the dangers of using your child as a spy, I've seen first hand results. Thanks. Jax

{{{{{{{{{{{{JAX}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Sorry to hear the news. I remember the day I found out. In a way I was furious, in a way, I felt relieved that the pit in my stomach was NOT my imagination and that I was not losing my mind.<P>Its a devestation and will take some time to deal with and sink in. <P>SO we all missed meeting some needs of our spouse. It doesn't really warrant an affair, they should just come to us and tell us what they need, and most of us on here, would have been happy to give it, as well as ask for what we wanted to.<P>But some people aren't able to stand up to things like that. I used to be very against "WS" but I know a lot in person now, plus some I've met since this ordeal, and they are not bad people either, just confused.<P>There's still a handful that use an affair as an exit, that is totally not right.<P>Try to take some time for you and in time, you will be able to forgive (never forget) and move on to something you never dreamed possible. Something you may have been missing all along and never knew it.<P>Be strong,<BR>Prayers,<BR>Dana<BR>