As I read different threads and posts, I start feeling that I really don't belong here. I'm not trying to save my marriage,as it seems most of you are. Itried for 17 years. I don't believe that a marriage should stay together just for the kids. If the marital relationship is toxic for one of the partners to the point of death, how is that a 'blessing'. To me it became a curse because I was cursed in my marriage. When my X tried to keep me in his world, he became who he thought I wanted using my faith against me, telling me"I'm a new man in Christ""I'm learning so much""God has given me so much love for you, and it's Him in me that loves you so much", funny thing, after 6 months of self righteous, judging attitude(after my sharing some very deep issues that my LORD was healing, I get"why do you let Satan get to you like this?") and hearing from my Mom "he loves you so much. He adores you" but of course these people were not hearing the conversations between him and me. I was getting "God is trying to minister to you through me" I wanted to scream YOU ARESO OPPRESSIVE TO ME HOW CAN YOU HONESTLY THINK YOU CAN MINISTER TO ME? And him telling me "There's only one true love in a lifetime" he finds another, and all this so-called "new man" went way by the wayside.<BR> He found his ENs met outside of this home, and through his Playboys, and always made it convincing seem that it was my problem, that I was the one having trouble coping. <BR> Well, just to clear the air, because I don't want anyone to think I'm misleading anyone, I found my ENs met through a friend. We were thrown into some heavy life altering, faith challenging events, that only brought us closer. I got the affirmation that I had been denied for years, and to have someone finally hear me without judging, encouraging me in my interests, and giving me credit that I'm not some airhead homemaker, but that I'm an intelligent woman. I'm sorry I'm rambling.<BR> I can tell you the moment I crossed that emotional line.He killed everything I had for him. That was over 3 1/2 years ago. My divorce final in July.<BR> Last night I told my friend, yes the OM, that he can't pray for me because it will only keep me alive in his heart.. He doesn't want to stay in his marriage, but he can't bring himself to divorce her at this time. <BR>I have asked God why, when I'm trying to be obedient, why He won't get this house sold, so I can move away, and out of everyone's life here. It is a very small town, with 1 highway. Why after praying for my marriage for over 10 years of prayer journal, fasting, praying with other women, that in all my obedience, He didn't answer with what the "church" leads us to believe, that if we pray God will .....<BR>The answer is not that simple. My "faith" is not concrete, it is a process, and life is a process, ever changing.<BR> At what point does one say ENOUGH! After the death has occured? well I DIED in my marriage, and with no shred of self esteem, or hope, or whatever you guys seem to have, I filed. It is agony, and I filed not knowing about the ongoing problem my X has with pornography. He continued to withhold that honesty till way into the divorce process and only a month or two before he met his current live in. And as for the OM?<BR>My X's girlfriend's daughter was taken to the homecoming dance by the OM's son and then I learned this week that MY babysitter called his son as well.I can't get away from it.<BR>I'm sorry for rambling. I ask that you please extend me grace, as I feel like I ...I don't know what I feel anymore. I just know I'm weary of this. I'm weary of my life. It seems that I can't get away from anything.<BR>Please keep me in your prayers.I was doing okay until the OM contacted me because he thought I was on a date(courtesy of my sitter), and "thought it would bring closure to this chapter of his life" <BR>The OM actually said to me 4weeks ago "you take divorce so lightly" and I cried out "don't you think I counted the cost? Do you think I want to come home, alone? Do you think I wanted to be in this $%&&*ed up financial situation?" HOW DARE YOU SAY I TAKE DIVORCE LIGHTLY! I filed based on what I wrote above. I died in my marriage, and it was time to bury it and move on.<BR> So, for the record, those of you who are fighting for your marriage, please don't assume we all are. Plan A and all that wouldn't have worked here in my marriage. My X and I were not compatible. Our "recreational"needs, that are so important in a marriage were opposite poles. and I don't need to keep going back regarding what is gone. I need to keep moving ahead.<BR>I might get asked why I didn't file before. There are alot of us through trying to be the "good, Christian wife", so called submission, I say so called because I now know what God's Word says, not what the <BR>'church' wants us to believe, divorce was something us good christians don't talk about. unfortunately, it keeps us under someone's thumb, because it lulls us into complacency, and not having to work at our relationship, more of a possession, rather that a jewel that marriage is supposed to be.<BR> Well, I still believe in marriage, just not the kind that becaomes 'roommates with privileges"

No need to say your sorry. You had some things you needed to get off your chest.<BR>I am hoping that your feeling better. Coming home alone isn't easy all the time. But it sure is better then being in a marriage that makes you feel so smoothered. I KNOW!<P>My ex has $$$ but that wasn't satisfying. For him but not me. I wanted a family life. I don't need to impress other people I just need to be able to live with myself and goto sleep at night. Which i can say i am more at peace today than the ten years in my relationship.<P>Good for you.<P>Not everyone is looking to repair in here. Some are looking to vent, others support for the day or encouraging words.<P>Take care of you!<BR>

For me I come here to see how other people handle such a difficult part of their life. I see so much courage and just plain guts that I feel I can get myself together and live. Wheather My wife and I can work things out or not, I have to like/love myself. I have to learn and grow as a person. Right now I am heading in two directions at once towards reconciling with my wife or living as a divorced father of two. I have to make me a better person to do either one. I don't know which one I will be doing in a couple years, but I know this site has helped me. <BR>We all have to do what's right for us , and what we need. I know that no one chooses to leave a happy marriage to try something else. <BR>Please trust in yourself and don't give up on God. Sometimes the answer to our prayers is NO, sometimes it's the best answer. We don't always see it at first. <BR>Well enough rattling on. Please take care of you. You're in my prayers. <p>[This message has been edited by Daniel (edited October 22, 2000).]