Last night I made a post in another part of the forum as I was asked how things are going. It got me to thinking about how I really felt and after a bit of thought I realised I'm not feeling all that bad.<P>It's strange because I feel like I SHOULD feel terrible with my marriage coming to an end but the truth is I don't. More than anything I feel relief that it's over.<P>No more fighting, name calling, walking around the house on egg shells to keep the peace. I know it's wrong but that's how I feel.<P>Yes I've had a few restless nights, and I even sat down and had myself a good cry at one point. But somehow it's like when you have a loved one with an uncurable illness. Your sad when they pass, but deep down you know it's for the best because the pain and suffering are over. Does any of this make any sense?<P>I read so many of your posts concerning how deeply hurt you are and I ask myself why don't I feel like that? Not that I want to hurt the way some of you are, but I feel like there should be more to it than I am feeling.<P>I know, this post doesn't make much sense does it? Who in their right mind WANTS to feel pain? It's just that when friends and family call or see me their first question is, "how are you doing?" I tell them I'm doing OK and they give me a look that says, poor guy, look how brave he is acting.<P>I want to somehow explain it all to them but I can't because I don't really understand it myself. Anyone else out there that's been in a simular situation?

Hi CG,<P>I'm pretty sure you've felt the pain. It hurts a lot when you're trying to save the relationship alone. I'll bet the pain started going away when you let go. I know it did for me.<P>I'm sure you've had more than enough pain. I don't think you need anymore.<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again

Country Guy, <P>I have followed you story over on the EN board, and what you are feeling is normal and ok. <P>You went through a lot trying to save your marriage. The fact that your wife turned on you the way she did was probably the last straw to you. <P>There will be times you will wonder if you did the right thing. But, as long as you know you did everything possible and can look in the mirror with your head up, you will be ok. <BR><P>------------------<BR>Susan

Hmmm, letting go releases the pain...How long until you can let go?

You had enough pain for several splits while trying to stay with her. She is a sicko, and you justifiably feel relieved of the burden. Perhaps you feel sad for her, that she chose to remain stuck in her illness and malfunctioning. <P>One of the great benefits of Plan A followed by Plan B is the lack of pain, and sense of relief found when the marriage is eventually put to rest. You KNOW you did all that could be expected of you. No guilt any longer. The process actually processed the pain as you went along.<P>Does this make sense in your case?

Country Guy,<P>I also followed your story on the EN board. Sounds like you went through the wringer trying to improve and save your marriage. At times after so much conflict for such a great amount of time, trying so hard to get your emotional needs met, the peace of finally knowing where you are going is wonderful. <P>Yes, the loss is there and raw at times but as you put it, marriage can become an "incurable illness" when you have worked on it alone.<P>Don't beat yourself up too bad about how you should feel.<P>Ragamuffin

Hi TV,<P>I let go when my wife said she didn't want to try anymore. I'm continuing to plan A, but it's only for me now. I let go of the feelings that she might come back and quit hoping for a future with her. Only then, when I realized it was over, did the pain start to fade....<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again

Country Guy,<BR>I haven't followed your story, but I do understand your feelings.<P>I have been divorced since Feb. and things have been going pretty well for me. I've had a number of people tell me they haven't seen me this happy and also that divorce agreed with me. Was I that unhappy and it showed and I didn't know ?<P>Last week I realized that being single isn't too bad. I can come and go as I please, well as much as I can with two small kids cans , if I don't feel like doing something around the house, I don't do it till I feel like it.<BR>And I don't have to put up with someone else's moodiness.<P> It does help that I am in a relationship in that we go out to dinners, movies, etc. Don't feel guilty. I am learning everyday that it wasn't all about me.<P>Hang in,<P>Bob

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Ragamuffin:<BR><B>Country Guy,<P>the peace of finally knowing where you are going is wonderful. <P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Boy, there it is. You have hit it square on the head, I just hadn't thought about this aspect.<P>Today, I don't make decisions based upon; Am I going to p*ss my W off because I'm breathing the same air she is?<P>OK, maybe that isn't completely fair, but it's pretty acurate in how I've been running my life for a long time. Every decision (or non-decision) I've made for years has been mostly trying to avoid conflicts, arguments, and fights.<P>You know, that's a heck of a way to go through life! Sitting here I'm trying to figure out exactly where or when that happened but it was so gradual I can't recall a "point".<P>In a way, I was doing plan A for years but didn't have a name for it. I simply believed (and still do) that if my partner/lover/friend/wife was happy, our marriage would benefit, and I would reap the rewards. Well, we (her, myself, our kids, other family and friends) would reap the rewards.<P>Using perfect hindsight, I have to be honest and admit that my W has always been what I percieve as selfcentered. (My perception.) I truely thought with all my being that it was a result of her first marriage to an alcoholic. And, that given love and caring she would "bloom" into the person I've seen in her before. Maybe "bloom" isn't the right word but I hope you get my meaning.<P>However, it somehow turned into my trying to leap immpossible heights for little or no reason. Bottom line, the problem became worse instead of better. It's as if being selfcentered turned into plain selfish. Again, these are just my perceptions.<P>Regardless, as you say it's the feeling of knowing where ever I decide to go, it's OK. No one is going to get angry, no one is going to second guess everything, no walking on egg shells 24/7.<P>Sorry to get so long winded. Sometimes writing to you folks helps me to focus my thoughts.

Country Guy,<P>"I was doing plan A for years but didn't have a name for it." <P>That is what I thought of myself when I read about plan A here at MB.<P>"Sitting here I'm trying to figure out exactly where or when that happened but it was so gradual I can't recall a "point"."<P>May I recommend the book "Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. This book was recommended to me on a thread here. The "point" becomes clearer because there isn't one. The way we learn how to set healthy boundaries is. Yes, I am still learning to set boundaries (which may take the rest of my life) but never having any with my x and others in my life contributed to my own demise. <P>"trying to leap immpossible heights for little or no reason" <P>As did I, doing it didn't work. Doing this made the marriage worse over the years and filled me with resentment. I was brimming over with it in the end. My emotional needs weren't being met and I couldn't see them any more. Thought I could live without them. Wrong!<P>Hope this helps!<P>Ragamuffin<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Ragamuffin:<BR><B>Country Guy,<P>"I was doing plan A for years but didn't have a name for it." <P>That is what I thought of myself when I read about plan A here at MB.<P>"Sitting here I'm trying to figure out exactly where or when that happened but it was so gradual I can't recall a "point"."<P>May I recommend the book "Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. This book was recommended to me on a thread here. The "point" becomes clearer because there isn't one. The way we learn how to set healthy boundaries is. Yes, I am still learning to set boundaries (which may take the rest of my life!) but never having boundaries with my x and others in my life contributed to my own demise. <P>"trying to leap immpossible heights for little or no reason" <P>As did I, doing this didn't work either. "Leaping" made the marriage worse over the years and filled me with resentment. I was brimming over with it in the end. My emotional needs weren't being met or acknowleged when I desperately tried to communicate what they were. I did know I was "starving to death". Lastly I thought I could continue to be in a marriage without my emotional needs being met . I was wrong. Today I am content with myself and have hope for the future.<P>Hope this helps.<P>Ragamuffin<P>ragamuffin@dog.com<P><BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Country Guy, <P>How many kids do you have..are they with you?? Has she filed for divorce or have you?? <BR>You will no doubt go through many feelings as this progresses.. I too, have discovered that many of my needs were not being taken care of through the marriage, but I also quit saying anything about them after a while. <P>It was kinda like beating a dead horse. When I would discuss it, it never went anywhere....so I just quit bringing it up, but reverted into my own little space,which did not have any room for him.<P>------------------<BR>Susan

Sue,<P>I have two daughters and two step sons. They are all adults living on their own unless they need a "loan". <g> Also have three grandsons all under age 5.<P>I filed for divorce after the physical abuse went out of control. See attacked me, then a police officer, and finally my attorney.<P>It was/is time to move on.

I read your story in the other thread....you are justified in leaving..your wife certainly has serious problems that only she can battle. <BR>How do your kids feel about all of this?? have they seen this side of her before?? <BR>ou are lucky in that your kids are older and will be able to handle this on their own. <P>Do you have a good support system around you through all of this??<BR><P>------------------<BR>Susan