z<p>[This message has been edited by CarlLaFong (edited 02-12-99).]

"Should I Stay or Go? : How Controlled Separation (Cs) Can Save Your Marriage" <br>by Lee, Raffel, Jean Houston <p>Looked through it at the bookstore - seemed to have many good ideas. Even if you don't apply everything to the letter it may give you a better sense of what your separation goals are/should be, and if it is the way to go. <p>Assumes that both parties are able to "negotiate" - but if you can negotiate, why separate in the first place right?<p>It also presents "separation" as a solution to the impasse, rather than a step towards divorce.<p>Hope you can work your problems out together rather than apart - but if you are beating yourselves up emotionally, you may need some breathing room. Can either of you just move out for a few weeks to stay with family or a friend, rather than doing the whole apt. thing? Sometimes just a little time and space is all you need to let the defenses down and consider true negotiation again.<p>J<p>

q<p>[This message has been edited by CarlLaFong (edited 02-12-99).]

I understand where you are coming from...<p>Before you separate, I think you can try many other things first. <p>For a while I felt I was not getting thru to my H (btw - he has moved out... so I know how difficult the separation thing is...). But reading Divorce Busting really changed my mind about a lot of things - mainly - I could change the way the game was being played by changing the way I played the game! Talk of empowerment!<p>And the sad truth is - it works. Why didn't I figure this out before??? Try your other options first, but remember it takes lots of time...<p>J

q<p>[This message has been edited by CarlLaFong (edited 02-12-99).]

Carl - <p>Well look at the upside - she did sit down to discuss the book, and she did clearly (though hurtfully?) let you know some of the love busters... so she is communicating!<p>Now that you know what love busters SHE is worried about (and don't try to justify yourself... think of it regardless of wether you feel she is right or wrong), how can YOU change your behaviour (even a small change) to diffuse them? Don't get defensive - this ordeal is an opportunity for you to understand yourself and your relationship better.<p>It takes many steps to climb a mountain, and it gets very difficult at times, and yes you will slip and fall and yes sometimes you may lose the trail. But if you stop climbing will you get to the top? No. Even small steps get you closer to the top.<p>Hope this helps - <br>J

q<p>[This message has been edited by CarlLaFong (edited 02-12-99).]