Well, I am leaving town very shortly for a business trip. Not really sure what I will come home to Thursday night. H and I have been talking some??? He still wont commit either way to say he wants to stay or go, just says he has to talk to a counselor first. Mostly, I feel like he wants to leave, but doesn't want to hurt me by doing so. He says no matter what he wants to remain "friends". I told him that I don't see how that would really be possible for quite a while, since I am not willing to give up on the marriage and am still very much in love with him. I can't imagine going to dinner or seeing him without my heart being broken every time he left. Anyway, maybe I am getting ahead of myself, but I am also afraid to have too much hope about any decision that he makes. I am still trying here at home, and hopefully will have some contact with him at least by phone this week. I had written him a letter earlier this week expressing my feelings, but it seemed to have no affect either way. H is so shut down. I asked if the letter was all right and I finally got an honest answer last night. H said he felt like I was pressuring him to make a decision. Even though I am not, I will not do that again. I realize that it takes time either way. This whole "situation" (no cheating on either side) didn't occur overnite, nor can it be fixed overnight. I am very afraid of what his counselor is going to tell him this week. I feel like right now he is waiting for someone else (counselor) to make this decision or at least validate what I feel he has already decided (to leave). Any insight out there on what a counselor generally leans towards? (I am seeing one also and she says that since I want this to work hard for it, but I am very new at all of this). <BR>I have purchased a few books, but there is very little out there for someone who can get no communication back from the other person. I have come to terms with the things that I have done and said, and even said "I'm sorry" for them and trying to change the way that I act/react to certain things in the future. There is not much more that I can do. I feel like I now have to move foward and just become a better person and treat him like I always should have. It is just so hard to be the only one giving forth any effort. I am still not done fighting for this, but any advice on how to deal with the pain of rejection from the one you would love would be wonderful. I don't want to come across as being pitiful with him so that he does something just out of sympathy, but instead because he wants to be with me. <BR>arm6868@yahoo.com

Hi blindsided,<BR>Boy I wish I could help you with the pain issue. My signature says it best.<P><P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again

Blindsided123,<P>Take a look at this article:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.family.org/docstudy/newsletters/a0011702.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.family.org/docstudy/newsletters/a0011702.html</A> <P>When my wife came to me months ago, as your spouse is currently, I wish I had the strength to follow this article's advice. Dr. Dobson refers to the "caged bird scenario" in which the wayward spouse may tend to feel "trapped" in the marriage. By giving them an "open door" you may allow some breathing room into your troubled marriage.<P>I can't guarantee this will work, but looking back (hindsight is such a great thing) I think it may have helped my situation immensly. Give your spouse some room to breathe - Stop apologizing, tell them you love them and leave it at that for now.<P>Question: Why are you both seeing separate counselors? I think there are much more benefits to going to the same counselor (together if possible).<P>I wish you well. Be sure to read through this board, there may be some good points you can learn from everyone here.<P>God bless and keep you.<BR>Mike

Thanks Cooker, I keep telling myself that time heals all wounds and I really believe that as well, it's just hard to see through the tears.<P>So Tired- It was his idea to see a separate counselor to work out some issues he has with himself. He did say a couple of nights ago that he would see mine. However, I want him to be confortable with whoever he sees. As for me, I would go to anyone who would help. I am hoping that his business trip is a blessing in disguise and he will have some of the space that he needs. The only thing that really bothers me about the "space" thing is that I am on the road generally 4 weeks a month on business, so it isn't like there wasn't plenty of space to begin with. Who knows. Right now I just checked into the hotel, and all I want to do is call him, (like I have always done) and say hello, and hear his voice. Right now I will refrain. Hopefully I will be able to keep this resolve. In one sense it's even kind of nice for me. At least here I can cry and just be miserable without having to put on a show for anyone until I actually get onto the client site. Praying I have the strength to not start bawling in the middle of a meeting also! That would not be good. I am checking out the article as soon as I get done writing this. Thanks for the reference. So how did your situation turn out when you gave some space? Good luck.

blindsided123,<P>I'm still in the situation! Unfortunately I did a lot of damage over the past year. When I saw things really going down hill, I struggled to hold on even tighter. I lost control of my emotions for the first time in my life. And I think I really scared the heck out of my wife - here was this strong man, not seeming to flintch at anything life throws at him, in front of her crying (some points sobbing).<P>I just knew that losing her was the last thing I wanted. She has been out of the house for about 7 months now. I feel so much stronger and a lot of that has to do with prayer. I have always been somewhat religious, but I can honestly say that over this past year, for the first time in my life I have formed a relationship with God. It has helped me accept the situation I am in and give it all back to Him.<P>One positive (depending on how you look at it), is in my state for a "no-fault" divorce there is an 18 month waiting period. So we still have about another year to file. She has ceased all communications with me as of about 3 weeks ago. And to be honest, I feel strong enough to just let her go. She knows how I feel about her and that I would do anything for our marriage, but for the first time through all of this mess I have decided to just "let go" and be patient.<P>I miss her so much, but I don't know the whole Plan God has in store for us. So I will just keeping moving ahead with my life until the time comes when she decides to try again or to finish the marriage. To some it seems like I am sacrificing alot by waiting around, but to me it is that I am honoring the vow I made to her all those years ago. I promised "for better and for worse", maybe this is just "the worse".<P>Just because you two are physically apart I don't think constitutes "giving him space" in and of itself. I think it goes deeper to an emotional level. You don't want to give him the impression that he is trapped in the marriage. A spouse can still be controlling, even from a far distance. And be ready, as Dr. Dobson puts it "he will test you" to see if this is only a temporary fix by you or if it is truly how you feel. Stick to your guns. Be strong.<P>I will say a little prayer for the strength you will need!!<P>God Bless

{{{{{{{SOTIRED}}}}}}}}<P>I just read your response. Wow, what insight. You definitely have a point, funny, that while reading you response he called me. It was a very civil (nothing) conversation. It felt so good. It felt normal. I understand what you mean about the worse part. I feel also like that. I also appreciate your insight on "space" vs. "distance". I read the article that was referenced in the earlier post, and it had a great deal of information in it. I am going to try and heed some of the advice. <BR>I also understand about the relationship with God, I myself have not been to church regularly in quite some time but I have always felt a strong presence of God in my life. I have always been thankful for everything that I have, but somewhere along the way, much like I did with my husband, I forgot to show it to God also. I have prayed about my situation and asked that it be left in his hands and to just give me the strength no matter what. I can't say that it took away all the pain, but I do feel some comfort. I also feel like he led me to this board. <BR>One of the things I have realized since finding this board is seemingly how foolish all of us are. And how many of us there are out there. We go about our daily lives concerned only with ourselves and our families, and never look at the person standing next to us and even care what they are feeling. I am finding so much comfort and for lack of a better term "comraderie" here. I do not feel as alone as I did last week. Even though I don't know anyone here they have all been kind and caring. <BR>As for my husband, I do love him dearly, I will give him the time and the space that he needs, hopefully to see that I am still the person that he originally fell in love with. I have told him that I know there is no easy solution to this and I know that he isn't going to come home from work one day and just say "OK, I decided I want to stay, lets just pick up where we left off". Even if he did, it isn't really an option for me. I don't ever want to feel this raw again. I want to learn from my past mistakes and him to learn to communicate with me. I know that we will never be perfect and that feelings will always be hurt at some time. But with any luck we can keep them to a minimum and I can be the wife that supports and encourages him, and vice-versa. <BR>You mentioned being the strong person. I am probably that more than he. I am the one who has always gotton what I wanted at just about any cost. I am the one "who could handle anything". Big reality check for me, and how insecure I really am, and what a big show I put on. I can say one thing about the reality check though. I have to say it really is kind of nice to be able to break down and just lose it (crying). I have felt so much relief through the tears. Mostly they are about this possible breakup, but also about who/what I had become trying to hide behind some tough personality that wasn't me. <BR>I do hope that your wife comes to here senses. I will certainly keep both of you in my prayers. But like you also said, God will give you the strength either way, and has made you grow as a person (or so it seems based on what I have read). You also made the comment that some people think you are sacrificing. I do not. I think you are being true to yourself and your beliefs. <P>God Bless. <BR>