My Husband and I have been married for 10 years. For these 10 years he has not been the husband he needs to be. He is a proud man, who takes little care and time for me or our house. He has many problems and says he is sorry, but won't truly try to fix them. In the first few years of he marraige, I thought the problem was me and I thought of suicide. Through my christain faith and God, I rebuilt myself. However my husband is still the same and not much has changed. He says he loves me, but I can't see it. I have wanted out of the marraige for many years, but have been kept in this shell by him and I am afraid of stepping out. I recently met a wonderful man on the internet and we would like to see where things go with us. He divorced his wife for many of the same reasons. I want to do things right and don't want to rush out and marry him without knowing him really well and being sure it will work. I am just starting Desktop Publishing buiness in my home and do not any clients yet. I want to build business alittle too before I decide to leave my husband. I would appreciate any advice.

Jamie,<p> I'm glad you want to "do things right", but I would add to your list of to do before divorce: Honestly try to work things out with your CURRENT husband.<p> Have honestly and completely told him what it is that you need that he's not providing? Have you listened to him? Maybe there's something that he's not getting that is preventing him from responding to you. <p> If you feel you've done everything you can to fix the situation, anf your H turns you down flat and won't seek outside help, then you may have a plan in leaving.<p>Otherwise, you need to face the possibility that you are part of the cause of your problems, and may run into a similar, or exactly the same, problem after marrying someone else.<p>Don't get me wrong. I feel much the same way as you do. I'm getting more and more convinced that I married the wrong person too. I don't feel I could leave in good conscience though, because there's always something more I can do to try to put my marriage back on track. <p>Just make sure things are crystal-clear between you and your H. It would be a pity to throw away a 10-year marriage over something that wasn't communicated fully. (Just because you are aware of exactly what the problem is doesn't mean he is!)<p>Val<br>(The Husband)

Val,<br> I have given over 100% in this marraige. I have done anything and everything for him. I have done anything that intersts him. Helped him with anything he needed help with. He is a school teacher and he does things for the school. I have helped him there and gone to almost every shcool activity he was involed in. I basically fell at his feet giving and doing for him, this house and the marraige. He has never done the same. He will not give anytime to my interests or much time to this house. When we were first married we lived with my grandmother who could not take care of herself. I took care of her. Plus the house, and the yard. I did the mowing and snow shoveling and everything. He went to wrok and came home and watched TV most of the time. My grandmother has since passed away and we now live on my family farm that we bought from my parents. A big yard which I usually mow most of. I take care do the huge garden that we have. I take care of the huge house and everything here.<br> Also he is a very proud man about being a teacher and things he does for the school. So proud that he thinks he is better than most people. I get rude comments and remarks. He talks constantly about himself and what he does. He is a computer lover and he got his school into the internet. He does the school computer upgrades and fixes the computers. He also teaches on computers. So now I hear about how great he is all the time. Mostly from him. And he could care less to listen to anything I have to say. He also is very busy and even goes to peoples houses to fix their computer problems. Yet I ask for things and I get them in months, or years or never. I am always last on his list. Promises are made and nevr kept. Not just once in awhile but all the time. Then sorry and I will change is said, but it never happens.<br>Another problem ( which is not the big factor) is that he was overweight when we met and now is severly over weight. He has Sleep Apnea and doesn't breath well at night. Our doctor has told him weight loss would help alot. I love to exercise and have tried to get him to join in. I have tried to get him interested in eating right and caring for himself. He says he wants to lose weight, but won't try. Truly won't try. I offered to make a exercise plan and even re-arrange my exercising to fit his needs. He tries it for a day and then comes up with reasons why he can't do it the next day. The weight makes him lazy and makes him not even take care of himself. I mean not showering much. <br> We have talked about all the problems. We have had fights. I have offered to do anything that would help. I examine myself all the time and try to be the best I can in this marraige. I am christian and I pray and read my Bible and try hard to follow what is right. He is Christian too but not really given his life and time to God. Nor to this marraige. He is also abit controlling and I feel I can't move without his permission.<br> Sex is one thing that is important to him. However the weight causes it to a chore and not a fun time. And because of the hurt I have had and all I go through, I have lost interest in the closeness. He would be happy if I would do everything for him and be close whenever he wanted to. And not ever tell him I needed more or that he neded to do more Then the marraige would be fine to him.<br> I can't live like robot doing for him when and how he wants. I also can't go on crying all the time because I never have my needs or wants met. Suicide is no fun thing to think about. That was all I thought about for years. Now need I think about me and what I want and need.

Jamie:<p>You've given for so long and you've exhausted yourself: now you're in total 'taker' mode.<p>And you're having an internet affair. This is a receipe for disaster. Trust me here: my wife and I started from 'poor communication' to her going to an internet affair, to a full-blown affair. And we're just about to have the baby that is a product of that affair.<p>Yet we are reconciled, and our marriage is stronger than ever. Amazing.<p>You need intensive counseling, and I would suggest marriage counseling along the lines of marriagebuilders. It may be prepping you for divorce, but it may be able to restore your marriage to something truly wonderful. <p>Your husband isn't keeping his promises because it hasn't become too bad for him yet. And he has no idea how you feel (I've been there). An affair is one very self-destructive way to get his attention. Pursuing that self-centered path to happiness is a way to fill your needs, but it's short-lived and usually has disasterous consequences for all involved. Don't do it. You will need to learn how to communicate your feelings of dispair to your husband. You're best chance is to do this through counseling together, but even if he refuses you should do it yourself and learn the skills you will need.<p>Read and learn the Marriagebuilders principles, and see if you can apply them. I'd buy 'Surviving an Affair' here to help you understand why you feel like you do, and how there are constructive ways out of your situation.<p>And please get to counseling.

Jamie--<p>You say through your Christian faith and God you did not commit suicide but have you used that same faith in praying and fasting for your marriage? I'm not bashing you but you must think of the consequences of having an affair or divorcing outside of God's ordinances. It has been very hard for you in this marriage and I understand because I am in a very difficult marriage with a "take all" man. As a woman of God you must stand on His promises, not your husbands.<p>I know you're probably tired of hearing this but you must stand strong, stand for Holiness and for Righteousness. Who knows, this may be a test of your faith. God wants to know how bad do you want this. Do you want it to work to the point where you will turn down your plate and take that time to lay before the Lord? <p>Believe me, I speak from experience. I'm not saying that everything will magically turn around but after intense prayer and fasting for my marriage (and I mean intense), things are slowly beginning to turn around. Instea of the usual growling and snearing,my husband even said "Good morning" to me today. I like to have died! My chin hit the floor and my eyes were as big as golf balls!<p>But I remember, last week how I prayed for us and I thanked Him for the small victory. <p>If you are truly rooted and grounded in the Word you know that the effectual fervant prayer of a righteous man availeth much. (Jas 5:16)

One thing I have a problem with. Why is it when somone has a problem with in them self such as my husband, that people say I need to do more? I mean my husband has some severe problems and many people tell me what I need to do or whatI should be doing. I believe a person changes when they think they need to change, not when someone else thinks they need to chaange. Therefore I can't change my husband. He has to want the change and truly do it. So does that mean I am to just continue to live in this? <br> I have given and given and I still given. Yes I I try to take now too, but I do still give.<br> Was not looking for an internet affair, just looking for friends. I have been on the internet about 4 years and I prayed for wisdom in my internet friendships. When I met this man recently, I was not out looking for a love. After we began talking, I found out his wife was just like my husband and that we both had so much in common. And we seem to fit together. We communicate more than I have did with my husband. And we both know and have discussed what it takes to build a marraige.<br> I don't want to run to fast. We both want it to be right. And I don't want anyone I know to say the internet ruined my marraige. My husband was like this when the marriage started 10 years ago. The internet is not to blame. And I am not wanting to leave this marraige just because of a man I met. I wanted out yeasr ago.<br> We can't afford counseling. We don't have the money. And I think my husband would not like going. He is too busy and he also does not like to hear what he needs to fix. Don't think he would listen much to a counselor.<br>

Jamie,<p> Wow, it sounds like you have done all you can. <p> I've heard of a "Plan A & B" here someplace on this web site, I think it comes down to if you've tried everthing, then separate. (Jump in here if I've got this wrong, folks!)<p> "K" mentioned that is hasn't become "bad" enough for your husband yet. If you pack a bag, move out, etc. I think he'll figure out in a hurry just how much you do around there (and how much he relies upon you!) Maybe he'd commit to counselling or even some "demands" once he gets a feel for how much of the burden you've been shouldering.<p>Just a thought. I'm at my wits end too, so my judgment isn't the clearest. I think I'll call our company's EAP office now....<p>Val<br>(The <very depressed> husband)

Princess,<br> Yes I am founded and grounded in God. I have layed my marraige before him everyday.I have really searched the Bible for wisdom in life and in this marriage. <br> My husband was our pastors right hand man. When our paster retired and moved away, my husband filled in and took his place. He does alot for our church, but really has no real leationship with God otherwise. It was hard to see him preach on what everyone should be doing, when he wasn't doing it. I tried many times to help him build his relationship with God, but it usually goes no where.<br> As a christian, I don't lways believe divorce is right. But I think there are some circumstances where God really understands the divorce.<br> As far as me trying more. I have tried everything. Even in my exaushtion, I still try. Everytime I try, my husband takes it for granted and thinks the marriage will be fine then. It will be never be perfect, but it would be better if HE (not me) really tried and began succeeding.

Princess,<br> Yes I am founded and grounded in God. I have layed my marraige before him everyday.I have really searched the Bible for wisdom in life and in this marriage. <br> My husband was our pastors right hand man. When our paster retired and moved away, my husband filled in and took his place. He does alot for our church, but really has no real leationship with God otherwise. It was hard to see him preach on what everyone should be doing, when he wasn't doing it. I tried many times to help him build his relationship with God, but it usually goes no where.<br> As a christian, I don't lways believe divorce is right. But I think there are some circumstances where God really understands the divorce.<br> As far as me trying more. I have tried everything. Even in my exaushtion, I still try. Everytime I try, my husband takes it for granted and thinks the marriage will be fine then. It will be never be perfect, but it would be better if HE (not me) really tried and began succeeding.

Jamie, I think that YOU have done all that YOU can from your side of the marriage. A mariage is made up of 2 individual people, joining to make one. You seem to be the only one contributing to trying to save the marriage. You have done this for years. I think that you know in your heart, what you WANT and NEED to do. If you are not happy I would find happiness elsewhere. Many may not agree but for how many more years can you continue to be unhappy? There is a big world out there and YOU deserve to be HAPPY. I wish you all the luck...

Jamie,<p>You're not looking for an internet affair, but very few people who have affairs do. You're already falling in love with this man, and that is an affair. The sexual expression of your love isn't what defines an affair.<p>You can't afford counseling? Then you certainly can't 'afford' divorce!<p>I'm not saying that you haven't been giving. I am suggesting that you and your husband lack the skills it takes to make a successful marriage, and that trying to fix that 'on your own' can be difficult or impossible. You can start learning the skills now, in the context of counseling. <p>I would support your decision to separate from your husband if you are truly emotionally drained. I would suggest that you not have any relationship (friendship or otherwise) with any other man until after you have divorced and healed. But I would use a separation time to try to let your husband back into your life.<p>

K,<br> I am emotionaly drained. There is physical abuse and emotional abuse. I recieved the emotional abuse alot in this marraige. I have been treated like a stupid 5 year old kid alot of time and felt like a possesion more than an equal partner. It is so humiliating to get a rude remark made to you in front of family. It hurts when I try to talk with him about something and he interrupts, ignores me, acts busy or walks off. And I feel like that 5 year old stupid kid when he tells me how to everything including the simplest thing or something I have already done. for years.<br> I can not give up internet friends and devote all my time to him. Before I had the internet I did devote all my time to him. I gave him all my time and energy. He didn't do the same and he still wouldn't I am sure. He goes out with other teachers that he teaches with and also goes to peoples house to do computer work. He will sometimes find any reason to not come home at night till late. He stays at the school and does work or works on a computer. He has chat friends and spends alot of time with them too. So I can not give up all of myself, my wants and needs and my friends, just to devote everything to him. Already spent almost 10 years doing that.<br> I play guitar, sing, written some songs and write poetry I also love to draw. He has neither cared about nor encouraged me in any of those things. I am now trying to start a Desktop Pubishing business in my home. I am hoping he will not try to run that like he has ran me for all these years.<br> Basically, I am feel dead in this marriage. Emotionally and phyically. I am tired from trying so hard and giving my all and getting nothing back. I am not 100% sure just what I will do, but I know that if any trying is done, it must be him that does it.

K,<br> I am emotionaly drained. There is physical abuse and emotional abuse. I recieved the emotional abuse alot in this marraige. I have been treated like a stupid 5 year old kid alot of time and felt like a possesion more than an equal partner. It is so humiliating to get a rude remark made to you in front of family. It hurts when I try to talk with him about something and he interrupts, ignores me, acts busy or walks off. And I feel like that 5 year old stupid kid when he tells me how to everything including the simplest thing or something I have already done. for years.<br> I can not give up internet friends and devote all my time to him. Before I had the internet I did devote all my time to him. I gave him all my time and energy. He didn't do the same and he still wouldn't I am sure. He goes out with other teachers that he teaches with and also goes to peoples house to do computer work. He will sometimes find any reason to not come home at night till late. He stays at the school and does work or works on a computer. He has chat friends and spends alot of time with them too. So I can not give up all of myself, my wants and needs and my friends, just to devote everything to him. Already spent almost 10 years doing that.<br> I play guitar, sing, written some songs and write poetry I also love to draw. He has neither cared about nor encouraged me in any of those things. I am now trying to start a Desktop Pubishing business in my home. I am hoping he will not try to run that like he has ran me for all these years.<br> Basically, I am feel dead in this marriage. Emotionally and phyically. I am tired from trying so hard and giving my all and getting nothing back. I am not 100% sure just what I will do, but I know that if any trying is done, it must be him that does it.