.<p>[This message has been edited by Trapped Mom (edited March 25, 2001).]

What does that mean legally? In my state, you can't use adultery for grounds if you forgave your spouse. Is that the same thing? <BR>What sucks is that if the WS is manipulative (like mine), he can get this in writing and throw out all your leverage for the property settlement!

I'd say get ready for a battle..he's going to fight dirty..do you know who h had the affair with? if so you can probably get her called in..and if she's married..oh well..I know you<BR>didn't want this..can he prove that you condoned it? can you prove you didn'? If you filed w/ adultry as the reason..how can he say that you condoned it??? that should show the judge that you didn't condone this behavior alone..I'll be praying for a judge who will protect your interests..as well as an atty who will do the same..

.<p>[This message has been edited by Trapped Mom (edited March 25, 2001).]

Hi A:<P>Now I've heard everything. I'd actually go into the archives here on MB and print out my postings and take them to court (well, that is if they didn't have too much venting and/or swear letters, *#^()&!&#^, in them). That would show how much you condoned his affair and would show the judge how much poop he's full of.<P>A, I hate to say it, but he is going to be downright nasty. I just hope he doesn't do all the crap like some of the others here have. I won't even mention some of that for fear that maybe he may be checking your stuff here and this doesn't need to be a forum on how to teach people how wreak more havic.<P>I am so majorly sick to my stomach for you. He will have to answer for it. So will she. They think they're getting away with something but they really aren't.<P>I know it's stressful and horrible, A, but hold out because the judges have seen most of this before and will know what he's pulling and it REALLY will look bad for him. I can't wait to get STBX in front of the judge, but I just can't seem to. He always manages to weasel his way out so far. I think he's heard about the judge we have so he should be worried. I just hope he gets reELECTED! I'm babbling. Talk to ya. <P>------------------<BR><BR>Kathy

Trapped Mom,<P>"Condoning" it, as it was explained to me by my attorney, and yes it happened to both men and women in my support group - which really really stinks - is finding out about the spouses affair, and taking the spouse back to try to reconcile. It negates the adultery charge of the affair. You forgave him - thereby you condoned it. How's that for adding insult to injury? <P>I'll tell you the truth, when my ex talked of reconciliation after the girl left, that is EXACTLY what I thought he had in mind - to get back for a short time to eliminate the possibility of an adultery charge, and get a better financial deal. <P>This is one for the attorney. But in the long run, does the adultery charge really matter? My attorney talked my out of filing on those grounds - did the "irrec. differences" route - said I wouldn't get any better deal, and the adultery route would make him fight. And give him a criminal record, which I will admit at the time, was appealing to me. Adultery is a crime here.<P>

trapped mom, <P>my sisters ex H, was told by his lawyer, to go back home, if only for a few weeks, to make it look as though he was trying to reconcile..! It is sometimes these darn lawyers that ruin it *ALL* for society.. <P>I have another question though.. If adultry is grounds where you live, can you sue his adultris for interferance!???? <P>All I can say right now, is, I wish I lived in YOUR state!!! because I`d have two people with a record of adultry!!! my ex, and his OW!! <P>I wish you lots of luck in what ever takes place.. and I hope your lawyer is always a step ahead of his!! thats the real name of this (stupid) game!!!<P>{{HUGS}}....AV

/<p>[This message has been edited by Trapped Mom (edited March 25, 2001).]

My husband came home from a military school to spend Christmas with us. As soon as the gifts were opened, I asked him why he was being so cold towards me. He said that that there was no future for us and that he wanted a divorce. I piled all the gifts he had given me into the middle of the livingroom and told him to take them back. I bawled my head off. He told me that I was acting my usual crybaby, unreasonable self and told me to take him to the airport. On the way there, we had an intense but confusing discussion about what he was doing. (I had no idea that he wanted to start seeing another woman--he had met her in a chat room and then they had a few casual dates that left him mezmerized--his words.)<P>I agreed to the divorce just because he wanted to leave and that there was nothing that I could do to keep him if he wanted to go. What choice did I have?<P>Two months later, he mysteriously wanted to reconcile. I was overjoyed and said yes.<P>Now that the affair has been revealed, he tells me that it was "OK" that he slept with his girlfriend because we were "separated." I agreed to it--it was fair and square. How's that for logic? He asked me for a divorce so that he could screw around temporarily.<P>These guys have their own kind of justice cooking--they are trying to feel justified and OK about themselves in light of a huge moral offense. I don't think that any kind of skewed thinking is beyond the WS. <P>So yes, be prepared to fight dirty. But you won't be fighting a loosing battle, believe me.

Trapped Mom,<P>Divorce is really ugly, and I just roll my eyes with the "I shouldn't have had to get a lawyer routine" all these lines... my ex did that too. Sounds like his attorney is going to make alot of money off of him.<P>Sometimes I wonder if they even see it, how they use the love you have for them, to try to manipulate you, make you doubt yourself, like somehow YOU are being the rotten one to poor ole WS, just trying to find his way to happiness. Poor baby. Don't let him use it - I stumbled through very treacherous territory with my divorce by trying to remain objective. <P>If you can, separate yourself when you are making decisions - take a step back, think that you are a friend - what advice would you give her? Do what makes sense. Don't be nice, because you feel sorry for the ex (believe me, that comes too) or because you have hope for reconciliation (a wise settlement, even a divorce doesn't preclude that). Nor should you let your rage and hurt color your actions either. No sense wasting time, money or creating extra hard feelings. <P>Do what is best not just for your children and his obligations to raise them - but for your future too - his obligation TO YOU, to create parity for your retirement years. There's much to think about. And I know you will be awake many nights thinking about it.<P>My prayers are with you, but I hope I can give YOU hope that it will get better, if you let it. But it takes alot of time to let go of the hurt, and the anger, and to even see that there is a future without him. There is.<P>

.<p>[This message has been edited by Trapped Mom (edited March 25, 2001).]

No, not back together. . .things have gotten worse than I ever imagined. He is filing this week, or so he says. This time he will get it in writing so that he can screw around legally until the divorce is final.

.<p>[This message has been edited by Trapped Mom (edited March 25, 2001).]

Yes, I am married--but I don't think he ever was. Even when we were married, he tried his best to keep our lives separate--financially, recreationally, emotionally--now sexually. I decided to just go ahead and let him go when he told me that "his life is none of my business." (Pretty much not a marriage.) I think his idea of a marriage was roomates who share the refrigerator and the food in it, share a bed once in a while (he preferred to fall asleep in the livingroom and stay there--he got angry when I tried to wake him up to come to bed and told me that his sleeping habits were his own affair) and also I was there for free sex when the desire should arise. Nevertheless, I did love him and try to adhere to his ideology of marriage because I wanted to be with him. I got nothing out of this marriage, but I did love him and would have held on as long as I could.<P>They say that a person cheats because he wasn't getting what he wanted at home. I really think that a person cheats because he wasn't giving enough at home--it's his problem. How bout that?<p>[This message has been edited by Bernzini (edited October 25, 2000).]

.<p>[This message has been edited by Trapped Mom (edited March 25, 2001).]

TM, I'm sorry your H is being such a jerk. Just try to protect yourself and your kids, but let him be the jerk. Don't stoop to his (and the OW's ) level. Protect yourself, but pick your fights. Don't fight to prove a point. It would be to deaf ears, and blind eyes anyway.<P>Bernzini, I was wondering what happened to you. Sorry your H is being an A** also... Last I heard from you, you were moving in the right direction. I hope that is still true and you and your son are OK. Thinking of you...TT

Hi Trapped Mom,<P>I came to that same realization (a long time later though!) that I really didn't know my husband, like I thought I did. Or things he did/said/thought that were foreign to how I thought, and that should have thrown up flags (not for adultery, but for discontent, ennui, a restlessness that set the stage) didn't.<P>I was separate 18 months before I filed - an incident provoked it - I would have waited longer - it got real ugly - be prepared for that - you wouldn't think he would act that way toward the mother of his children, (again, I judged him by how I thought - mistake! as angry/hurt as I was, I drew the line doing/saying many things that he didn't) <P>2 years from initial separation that he saw the kids maybe 2 hours a month at my house at his convenience.<P>1 year now, regularly seeing the children, I'm starting to trust him again. Its getting better. Children are ... adjusting. They will never be over it. But I am not worried sick about them anymore.<P>So, as you can see, it takes a long time. The divorce has definitely affected me, changed me. It will affect me probably the rest of my life. LOL, thats why poor pathetic ole me is still here after so long! But not really, I have healed, and accept the change that has occurred. I carry my baggage well, and have learned from the horribleness and grown, rather than let the sorrow and angst destroy me. It could have.<P>All the trite sayings are true - Time heals all wounds, good things happen to bad people, into everyone's life a little rain must fall, but also all the positive ones too. <P>It will get better. I try to post the positive aspects, because they were the posts that helped me the most in my darkest days of "lurking." I think of you quite a bit. The posts bring back the pain.

TT!!! What are YOU doing here?<P>Thank you for asking, TT. I miss you, too. You have not been here a lot lately, either.<P>Yeah, I lurk, mostly--every now and then, I put my two cents in. . .<P>I am working my butt off, graveyard shift making semiconductors<P>My life is this: I go to work, 1800hrs. My little boy has eaten, gets his jammies on, and I take him to Nana's. He doesn't mind, because they have cable tv, which I can't afford. He can watch DragonBall and Freakazoid and whatever crud they put on tv for kids these days. I work until 0630. I go to Nana's, pick the kid up, take him to daycare, trying to drive while hallucinating from lack of sleep. I go to my over-priced, rundown little apartment in a bad neighborhood, manage to stay awake long enough to undress, and sleep til 1100. I then wake up, pick my son up from daycare and take him to school--all the way across town. Come home about 1300 and try to go back to sleep again. I get back up at 1500 and go all the way across town to pick my son up. I then come home with him and do housework, make dinner, do laundry, and pack lunches for the next day. Then go back to work.<P>Weekends, I have all three kids, and I tasked with feeding them all day long--they sure can eat. The only entertainment we can really afford is the indoor pool at the rec center, which is fine with them. They love it. We go to the library and listen to the radio--both free. I feel like I am living in the 40's. It is kind of fun.<P>Am I sad? A little. . .I am now a single mom and I miss the companionship of a spouse.<P>Am I worried? A little. . .I have a lot on my shoulders.<P>Am I tired? Definately. But it feels good.<P>Am I content? Oh, yes. Very much so.<P>I am sorry for messing up your thread--I just don't get an opportunity to update a whole lot.<P>

TT: How are YOU doing?

Trapped Mom:<P>Our divorce is complete. Both lawyers recommended and we agreed to leave out the adultry and have her divorce me on gounds of irreconcileable differences. (A few months after I found out about her affair, I got involved with her best friend) No need to leave a written record of the dirty laundry for future generations to read. We are one more case of absolute proof that adultry doesn't help. <P>Before our state, PA, became a no fault divorce state, adultry was legally considered to be condoned once the betrayed spouse consented to sex with the wayward spouse after being fully informed of the adultry. It was worded something like betrayed spouse had to give "Prior informed consent" in order to condone the adultry.<P>In that legal reply you got, most of it is jabberwocki. It isn't something made up for your case, these are paragraphs the lawyers wrote ten years ago and have thrown into every similar case since. All that verbage merely states a negotiating posture, and his lawyer knows that you never open negotiations with your own bottom line. You demand a lot more than you really expect to get so you have some "wiggle room".<P>A divorce isn't the death of a marriage, it is more like the funeral ceremony. In the days of fault divorce in PA, the spouse most in need of a divorce was the one who got the lower property share. Never forget, that legally, you are the innocent and injured party, and the children must be protected at all costs. As a stay at home mom, you are in a powerful negotiating position. Please, don't be swayed into a bad settlement by all the legal mumbo jumbo lawyers use to gain a more favorable property settlement. <P>May I suggest that you use this board primarily to stimulate questions for your lawyer? Then you can make the decisions you want based upon what your lawyer tells you. <P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{Trapped Mom}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Bumper<P>