I have read all of the material here but am still unsure as to what to do. Have been married for 3 yrs and we have a 2 yr old. Presently undergoing treatment for infertility as my h would like another one. I recently walked in on my husband masturbating in the morning as I was getting our daughter up. This happened once before (I mean that I walked in on him) and I told him how much it hurt me --that i thought we had a good sex like (the first time I saw this we had just had sex the night before). He told me he was sorry and it would not happe again (I guess he meant that I would not find out) I know that this seems routine for many many men, but I feel betrayed and why bother with sex at all now. Plus on top of that we have been timing intercourse and there are days we should be abstinent -- which infuriates me more because I wonder if "we" really have been. I told him we need to talk about all of this. I can't imagine going on for the next 20 yearsd knowing that he is in the bathroom masturbating as I get the family ready for the day. Please give me your thoughts and advice.

Diane,<p>Sad as it may sound to you, I think many men, no many people masturbate. It is a perfectly normal function. Although I do think it is insensitive of him to do so while you are undergoing fertility treatments, I think you need to take a look at your own sexuality. You should be thankful that he isn't looking elsewhere for the satisfaction he seems to need. If you can honestly say that you have never masturbated then he must be fullfilling your every need. I do agree that he should abstain during your treatments, but after it's all said and done don't condemn him for something that is a normal function.<p>Communicate don't condemn.<p>John

John,<br>I did not say that many find it a normal function, but I also think if it is utilized in place of intimacy with your spouse on a consistent basis that somewhere down the line the marriage will suffer in one way or another. It has to do with communicating. I was available for sex in the instances described above. All he had to do was initiate or ask. I can understand it more if I was not available. <br>Diane

diane,<p>here are just some thoughts ! <p>I remember during our trying to conceive a 2nd child, my wife was extremely uptight as time wore on, about not being able to get pregnant. It had only been about 6 months of trying & she had no reason to think she wouldn't get pregnant, but she was uptight about it for whatever reasons. <p>During this period, our sex life, which had been very limited before (due to her lack of interest), was horrible. It wasn't so much the fact that it was "planned" sex, but that she was doing it out of being almost paranoid about becoming pregnant. There was no enjoyment to it whatsoever.<p>I was turned off, which didn't surprise me, but I did my "duty" LOL!! we eventually were blessed with a new son, but I don't envoy anyone who has to go through this. <p>I, too, would regularly "practice by myself" LOL!! & I still do. We do, however, have a poor sex life. I am not "making it OK", but i have always had a strong sex drive (2-10 times/ week, vs, wife(2-10 times/ YEAR) & I refuse to cheat on her.<p>Is it possible that your husband doesn;t think as highly about your sex life as you do? Sometimes guys have a problem telling their significant others that they aren't happy with the quantity / quality of sex; They are just happy to get any activity & may silently ***** about it. It may be about different expectations.<p>well, i hope all improves & good luck with the fertility efforts ! <p>nick

Diane:<p>I agree with Nick, it's quite possible that your husband isn't nearly as happy with the frequency of sex as you are. Especially the periods of abstinence--regardless of the noble reasons behind them (encouraging conception)!<p>So your hubby was masturbating the morning after you made love, while you were getting the family ready? It's NOT unusual that he would be ready for another 'sexual release' by then. And were you really 'available for sex' in that instance? Would you have stopped getting your daughter ready and took time out for a 'quickie' had he asked right then? I'm not suggesting that you should have, just pointing out the obvious--that there are many times when sex isn't feasible.<p>So what's a hubby to do? Well, if he's like most guys, he figured out at about age 10 a quick, easy, and extremely pleasurable way to meet his own need. And why not? Think about it: It doesn't take long, there's no pressure, no comments about performance (at least MY hand has never complained!), no partner to try and arouse, and an orgasm is virtually guaranteed! No sweat! (Literally!)<p>So where is the potential problem? Where it begins to replace a healthy and satisfying sexual relationship with the wife! But occasional masturbation?... Well, let's just say that most men have a trusted friend in hand!

diane:<br>just a thought. why don't you mastrubate in front of him or plan it so he walks in on you . You may discover that his veiws on the subject are totally different i.e he might really enjoy seeing you that way. if that is the case then you need to work out some type of comprimise that you both can live with.

Diane and others...<P><p>[This message has been edited by slowlerner (edited February 16, 2000).]