Question to all:<P>Did/do any of your spouses believe in the fairy-tale version of marriage?<P>My wife never believed that marriage takes hard work (or at least daily work). Somehow, somewhere she came to believe that if it was "right", things would just work themselves out. And what is even harder to believe is that years ago her parents even had a lot of problems that required their whole family to go to counseling. Still she holds to this belief that just because there were problems in our marriage, our marriage was not normal.<BR>And even more damaging is verbatum out of her mouth: "We have only been married a couple years, we should not be having these problems! We never even had a 'honeymoon year'! Now correct me if I am wrong, but from most of the people I talk to, they all say that "honeymoon year" is a bunch of bull. They all agree that the first year was one of the hardest - Sure you were still in-lust and had tons of romantic love, but the hurdles of two different people learning to live together under one roof is hard.<P>My wife often goes by what her other friends and aquaintances say about how wonderful their marriages are. I try to tell her that she does not know what goes on "behind closed doors", but she refused to listen. Now even we are a tribute to that statement - NONE of our friends or family could believe when she walked out - NO ONE. Nobody even knew we were having problems! They all tell me they thought we had the "perfect marriage".<P>But my wife refuses to leave her "fantasy world" behind. Hey I like to believe in the "perfect world" as much as the next guy, but I understand that God did not put us here just to enjoy good times and laugh all day. We are here to learn from life. Unfortunately most often the best learning we get is from adversity and hard times.<P>From the general consensus, our marriage was a good one - not great, but definitely not destructive.<P>Again my question is: "Do any of your spouses hold to the 'perfect fairy-tale marriage' philosophy?"<P>THanks for your input!<BR>Mike

If she did, our probably wouldn't qualify.<P>I admit to taking a lot for granted & allowing the marriage to go on autopilot. Unfortuantely the first sign I got of problems was the "I'm not in love with you" speech. It was already too late.<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again

Yes,<P>It goes along with, "If I have to ask, it isn't worth it."<P>It is part of the personality that believes in Feelings over Thinking, and that the proportion of F is way out of whack with T, in my opinion. The reason I say this, is because they don't want to do any Thinking about what it takes, nor do they know how to think to overcome obstacles, more on the order of highly reactionary to Feelings, and lemming effect to thinking.<P>My STBX cannot think through answers, but must either have an expert tell her what the answer is, or take a poll among her friends.<P>She says that I do all the thinking in our relationship. So when she is in teacher mode, 90% of the time, she thinks she gets to correct/grade my thinking. Even now, i have to force her to answer questions directly, she relies totally on me to figure out her answer.<P>yes, fairly tale is top shelf, 100% ROMANTIC, no realism allowed, and nothing to do with day to day stuff, and heaven forbid, future planning.<P>My STBX did it through projection, she would agree to something, then not have a "perfect" time, and then say, "Well, if you had done this, it would have worked."<P>Sounds to me like she is bipolar, where the highs are exaggerated, as are the lows, and therefore, the relationship between input and output are not properly connected, and therefore out of whack.<P>

I firmly believe that my wife as well has idea of the perfect fairy tale marriage. Just in the way that she acted around the house tells me that she was doing the things she thought were necessary as the ‘perfect little wife.’ The dinner was always cooking or on the table when I got home, the house was always spotless, the cushions were always arranged, bed made every morning, laundry was finished by Sunday evening, dishes were always clean and put away, shoes put away, house dusted and vacuumed, etc, etc, etc…….<P>All of these were done because that is what she expected of herself as the wife. I didn’t push, I didn’t ask, and unfortunately, I didn’t help as much as I should have. In my behalf though, when I did help, I always managed to do it wrong, at least in her eyes. How long do you continue to try and help around the house when you are (1) made to feel inferior because you didn’t do it right, and (2) you make your wife feel guilty that she wasn’t doing a good enough job if you decide to be nice and clean without being asked?<P>A strange thing happened though once she told me that she wanted out. All of this stopped SUDDENLY. Dishes piled up, the house no longer looked like the inside of a magazine, the chores went unattended and she became very irresponsible. I even came home one night at about 10:30, the front door was unlocked, the lights were on, the curtains were open and she was sound asleep in bed. She also stopped using her daily planner which she had used to schedule everything except for her trips to the bathroom.<P>She also was very stand-offish and withdrawn about any discussions, unless I pulled away from her and was very depressed. Then she was very loving and very comforting. This was the most bizarre thing I have ever witnessed in my life. My wife completely changed her entire personality, everything about it, in a very short period of time. The last time we made love was about a week before breaking her news to me and it was incredible. No inhibitions, no coercing to get in the mood, it was just pure and spontaneous. Something that wasn’t too common anymore.<P>I know this sounds like the makings of an affair, but would an affair cause you to change almost EVERYTHING about yourself in such a drastic way?<P>Sorry I got off the topic here, but yes, I feel my wife did have her idea of the perfect fairy tale marriage, only the her reality of this fairy tale is not what she needed to make her happy. <BR>

Sounds like control issues that finally broke. Sounds like she was living up to her own standards, based upon her childhood, and her personality, and she had a giver snap!<P>Yes, it can happen, obviously, and I would bet, it would have happened at some point.<P>Was she about to turn 30 by any chance?<P>You now know, when you get married, you take a risk, hopefully a well researched risk, but always a risk, as you don't know how people will react to certain stimuli/lack of stimuli in all situations.<P>Your situation sounds as though it is not at all about you, but mostly about her. I'm sorry for your loss, but these things always happen for a reason, you'll find out later its probably for the best.<P>tom<BR>

Actually, my wife just turned 27. I am starting to realize that most of this was about her and not about me, but when you are the one who is being dumped it's hard not to look within yourself to find the cause.

I think you have a very valid point in regard to the control issue that finally broke, or 'snapped' in my eyes. One thing I can't figure out though, is trying to determine what it is that she really wants. If all of these habits, actions, tendancies all deal with her and her issues, how is she ever going to be happy in any relationship if she doesn't face them now?<P>And can she really face these issues on her own being completely separated from the stimuli that caused her to be so unhappy?<P>I still think that I am the best thing for her and unless she left because of OM waiting out in the wings, why let me go?<P>I think I should have used the name WHY instead of Jayhawk!

Jayhawk,<P>Now you are just getting ridiculous! The thing about the couch cushions - made me laugh out loud! Almost verbatum with my wife! And if I moved the cushions and pillows, it was never right. Now she tells me that she hated all that stuff! OH my God?? She used to tell people how she loved our house. She made holiday crafts and decorations, she bought all the knick-knacks - our house was so warm and cozy. EXCEPT that she could never relax in it - she always had to be doing something for it.<P>I barely ever had any kind of negative comment on how the house looked. First off, if I did not like something or thought it was dirty, I would just clean it myself. But she always felt (now I find out) that things had to be 'perfect' for me. The apple does not fall far from the tree - guess who was exactly like that and still is? Her mother. But the only difference is her dad treats her mom like dirt. Not always, but a lot of the time. He NEEDS to have control.<P>I think she saw similar traits in me (while I know I would never become like him) and that scared her. She even says that she loves her mom so much and wants to be just like her, BUT the next day she will say "I will never be like my mom, look how my dad treats her". I just don't understand women.....

ROTFLMAO <P>The apple didn't fall far from the tree in my wife's case either and I am also very much like her father, but her parents are wonderful people and her he has always been very generous and loving with the entire family. At least from what I have always seen. They have even been very supportive of me throughout this entire ordeal even though their loyalty belongs to their daughter, as it should.<P>Well I've got to run to be the *&$%(# traffic.<P>(some)Women are just screwed up. <P>And yes ladies, so are some men.

A couple of years ago our Bible class at church had a series of lessons based on HN/HN. When we did the EN thing, I did real well on all his ENs except the housekeeping one. That was the one and only thing x ever said I did wrong. <P>But his mother was anal about that and so was he. But, as an ADD adult, it wasn't my cup of tea. Can't do it. House looks like it's run by a slob. (I am nothing if not honest.)<P>But I loved him with every breath in my body. <P>And I remember asking him, before it got so bad, if I ever did anything to suit him. Was there anything I did right. And he could never answer me. <P>He's been gone for 5 years. And a few weeks ago, just a week or so after he remarried, I told him that I knew that one of his goals in life was to make my life hell. And he agreed.<P>Fellows, I'm sorry to say that I don't know if the pain ever really goes away. Not all of it. Most, yes. I wouldn't take him back if he came with a million dollars. <P>But, it's ok. No one will ever treat me that way again and me sit still for it. And somewhere out there, there is something better. THere are lots of better things each day. You just have to recognize them as they come along.<P><BR>

I think there may be something to this. My H's mom (who was a single mom since her husband left her almost exactly the same way her son left me) was an incredible superwoman neat freak. Beds were always perfect, house dusted, everything in perfection - and of course, she had to work a full-time job on top of it to survive.<P>I am so NOT like his mother. Never dust, hate it. Beds, lets just say I didn't even know the right way to make one until he came along. And then, I thought it was fine to just pull the covers up tight, whatever! Who was going to see it anyway? I'm not a slob. My house is always picked up and neat, just not absolutely perfect. His brother (in Texas) even went as far as to blame me for his affairs and 20 years of cheating on me for not making the beds. OMG.<P>Actually, his constant double-life is the same as his fathers'. Believe me, I'm paying the price for it, I have very little "future" left for myself now after him. Just my kids, that's my only future. But it does seem to be true that the apple doesn't fall far.<P>------------------<BR><BR>Kathy

I'm a slob. I'll admit it. Things are clean, just not picked up all the time. I don't make the beds unless I have extra time to do it, or I've just washed the sheets (at least once a week it looks great! ).<P>My stbx said that it was a need of his, and I did attempt to keep things kept up better, but I resented it because I already work full time and why should I be the one to do it all? He used to be a wonderful helper around the house, then he just stopped. <P>But on the original subject, the fairy tale aspect... I know some have said I'm co-dependent, and I'm at the point where I'm not gonna argue that fact... but my marriage WAS like a fairy tale for years. I was SO happy, I loved him SO much, and I thought he was my hero, a prince, my muse. It didn't seem like that hard of work to me to love this man with my entire being. Honestly. I just did.<P>