My H, who started an affair exactly one year ago and moved out in January 2000, has been very, very adamet about not ever wanting to come home or reconcile. The OW has moved in with him and they are just happily (?) living their lives.<P>I have been in Plan A ever since I found this site (March 2000). However, the past few weeks, I haven't contact him at all. I just don't see the point any more. We are civil on the phone, but I can hear in his voice and in things he's said...."why won't she get it thru her head...it's over!"<P>So, as a Christian who does not believe in divorce, what am I supposed to do now? Divorce was never an option for me...ever. It goes against every fiber of my being. Do I just have too ridged a mind-set on this? I don't want a divorce, but my H is NEVER going to file...he HATES paperwork, he HATES figuring things out (esp. messes), he HATES finances, etc. I was always the one who did all this stuff in our home...I liked it.<P>But how long can I exist in this "pending" realm? All of our finances are still joint...EVERYTHING! If I file for divorce or even separation, it will only hurt me financially. But is this healthy? <P>Part of me also wants to just make a move...do something to show him..."okay, bub, you want it to be over...then it's over." That's probably childish, but it's real.<P>How do I continue to grow, move on, etc. with my life like this? Like the Bible says, "hope deferred makes the heart sick." I just want it to be done with so I can heal. But I can't see how I can file for a divorce.<P>Can someone help?<BR>Thanks,<BR>Mrs.O<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Mrs.O (edited October 25, 2000).]

Who cares if other people think this is "healthy." If you don't believe in divorce (and I can certainly identify with that, though I am not Christian), and don't want to file, then don't file. What would be the advantage of filing if it would hurt you financially? Unless you are planning on potentially having more children with someone else, why would you want to divorce? <P>I would rather have stayed separated the rest of my life than have been divorced, but in my stupid state one spouse can divorce the other for whatever reason they feel like, or no reason at all, and they don't even have to give the judge a reason unless he feels like asking.

.<p>[This message has been edited by Trapped Mom (edited March 25, 2001).]

Thanks for your replys. <P>Well, I don't have kids and am well past the age where I could have them, so remarrying for that reason is not on my list of things to do! And again, as a Christian, I'm not sure of my thought on remarriage.<P>I'm not sure if I thought I needed to do some act for myself...healthy or not...so that I can move on. I feel trapped or something....who am I anyway..what am I doing...where am I going? Everything I wanted in life (and had) has been ripped away, so how do I go about getting on with life. <P>I guess I also do want to let the reality hit him, not to bring him back home or anything...I think we're way too far down the path for that, barring a miracle. But it really would only hurt me financially I guess. It just feels like he's "getting away" with doing what he wants and me just having to put up with it and wait for his every move.<P>I basically AM in Plan B....because he's been totally ignoring me for months, and I think he'd laugh at a Plan B letter because we don't have any kind of contact as it is. Seems kinda moot.<P>I don't really think I could go thru with filing for a divorce, but then my real question is:<P><B><I>What the heck do I do with my life now? </B></I><P>I have the best job in the world and love my home. I had the perfect life (for me)! How am I supposed to just WANT something different? People keep saying "now's your time to do whatever you want.....a fresh start." I already did that in my 20's! I wanted to be married to my H and now that's gone. <P>And then there are stupid little things like:<BR>When do I take down the pictures with him in them?<P>When do I pack all his stuff up (clothes, engineering equipment, books) and put it in the garage?<P>When do I take my wedding ring off?<P>I just don't have the energy to think about these things, but am wondering what's keeping me from moving on. I'll probably keep the ring on until a divorce actually happens.<P>I just feel like I'm in limbo. I'm not coming, I'm not going. I'm not married, I'm not single. I'm not young anymore and I've been rejected like an old shoe. <P>I guess my self-esteem in in the dump and I'm completely overwhelmed with all the stuff that needs to be done in my life. There are so many things to do, I end up doing nothing and feeling worse.<P>Anyway, I don't really know what my real question is...I just want to stop feeling yucky all the time.....I mean, all the time.<P>Thanks. Any more thoughts?<BR>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<BR>

Oh...the other thing is....<P>I see the reason for a Plan B letter as protecting the love I have for him. Well, I'm not sure I have much left for him anymore. This whole past year has just about killed me and I am still somewhat angry at him to allowing it to happen like it did. I also see ways in the marriage how he undermined the integrity of the marriage (i.e. looking at porn on the web...which I didn't know until after he was gone). How can I do a Plan B letter when I feel this way? I don't want a person like this back in my life, unless God would zap him, which I don't think is likely.<P>I have been doing a super Plan A until about a month ago, when i just thought....what's the point? It was only making me feel worse.<P>Anyway....just thought I'd add that. <p>[This message has been edited by Mrs.O (edited October 25, 2000).]

Mrs. O,<P>If I were in your situation, I would go to an attorney, and make sure my assets were safe. Maybe that involves filing for a legal separation. And then continue on with what makes you comfortable.<P>I agree with Nellie - if you don't want a divorce, don't do it. Maybe your husband has similar feelings to you - maybe he doesn't want a divorce either. Hey, why should he? He has it great right now. Its not a relationship I could be in, but look at Spenser Tracy - lived with Kate Hepburn for years, but never divorced "Mrs. Tracy," he took care of her, and treated her with respect to the day she died.<P>But protect yourself - don't be naive that the status quo may not change. My guess is, that the OW is not going to be patient forever, and views you as having what should be hers...

I agree with Nellie, don't get the divorce. My H has been gone for almost that long also. We do have kids.. and he sees them, but just goes and does what he wants. He and the OP are not living to gether, but she is pregant, and they work together, and go on trips together and pretty much do what they want.<P>I'm certainly not going to have any more children (I have 3), and I will certainly not bring another man into their young lives to hurt them as much as their father did, so I will just let him get the D if he wants it that bad.<P>You can still detach, and move forward with your life. I know I have. I'm afraid it is a sad commentary on our throw away society. But like I said, I have three kids. I guess one of us has to be the responsible one.

I beleive that you should protect you assets, and a legal sep is a way to do that. <BR>As far as your marriage goes, only you will know when you are ready to move on,if ever. <BR>Even though you feel very little love for your H now, that does not mean that it could not be rekindled in the future. So, if you are not certain about divorce, then don't file. But do protect yourself. <BR>The sad thing about an affair is that the WS seldom thinks rationally. He may up and clean out accounts, buy expensive things, etc. One can never tell.<BR>I would file for sep, and do the Plan B letter if you would ever consider having your H back. If in the future, he wants to try, then you have left the door open for him. <BR>If it doesn't work out, then you have done everything possible to save you marriage and can then move on. <P>------------------<BR>Susan

Protect your assets. Take down the pictures one at a time if you wish. Put up nice art, maybe, to replace them. On your next birthday, or for christmans, treat yourself to a piece of jewelry (a ring) just for yourself if that would help. It was really good for me. And it went on the ring finger of my left hand. Send him the letter, if you wish. But protect your assets. You don't want him doing something you'll get in trouble over.<P>Now, which do you feel is the bigger sin in God's eyes, getting a piece of paper dissolving that which is not practically but is legally existent OR breaking of your marriage vows by using pornography, having a PA or an EA , or moving out? As a Christian who belongs to a conservative religous group, I don't think that divorce is good. Never believed in it. Said he could have a divorce if he hit me or cheated on me. But the EAs, the verbal and emotional abuse, the moving out - those were all things he did to break his marriage vows. And I reached a point where I had to find some financial and emotional security. And, at that point, when I knew my marriage was hopelessly broken, I filed for a divorce and received NOT ONE WORD of criticism from any on the leaders of my congregation. In fact I received support from a lot of people. <P>Recently, I reached a new healing point and did something for me. My x got married the first of this month and I gave his name back a few weeks before the wedding. Didn't like my maiden name so I picked a new last name and had my name changed. When a friend, who has the same last name as me (now) told her husband about the name change, his reaction was "Good. I'm glad she did it. He was a jerk, anyway." My friend's husband new my husband was a jerk several years ago but I didn't. Life is so weird.<P>Do what you need to do for your own peace. But, if your husband has completely shattered the marriage contract, you might need to view that piece of paper as a safety devise. God cares more about your heart and your desire to walk with Him than he cares about your legal marital status.

Guess my piece of advice is simple. See a counselor. At least it seems to be helping me. Since (so far) my H wont go and figure out what he wants to, at the very least it is giving me somewhere to "talk" and "vent". And figure out how to deal with all those other questions.

<BR>If you don't believe in divorce, then don't get a divorce. However, you need to see a lawyer and draw up a separation agreement. Your H could wipe out your accounts. I would also advise this. Split everything fairly if you think that there is *any* hope of reconciliation. And my guess is that there is, because if he was certain about this OW, *he* would file for D. Anyhow, my thought is that going for a "win" in a separation agreement (i.e., an unfair settlement favoring you) could convince him that you're not protecting yourself, but instead trying to scr$w him financially. And the OW would love to have ammo like that to use against you behind your back. JMO.<BR><BR>Bystander

My heart went out to you when I read your message - I know what you are going through.<P>My own husband left me in Jan, 2000, and said he wanted a year to decide if he wanted to be married or single (no OW as far as I know). The year is nearly up, but he is still undecided about what he wants. Except for the guilt, he says he enjoys going out with his friends to the bar every night and having no responsibilities beyond taking care of himself. I also am morally opposed to divorce, but have a few thoughts for you.<P>First, a CPA advised me that he has been dealing with client issues related to separated, but still married couples. In one case the wife lost the home because her husband had not been paying his income taxes and she was liable. In another, their joint assets were in jeopardy due to a lawsuit against the husband. His advise - protect yourself legally. The laws are different in each state, so check with a lawyer. As long as there is a joint account, the money in it could disappear in an instant - legally.<P>Second, because my husband is much like your own - doesn't want to deal with the paperwork, lawyers, or expense of a divorce - I consulted with my pastor regarding my options should my husband decide not to return home come January. Thinking of divorce makes me sick to my stomach, but I have 2 children still at home who need their father's financial support. I gave up my own career in computers over 10 years ago, and will need several years of re-training and experience before I can support myself - let alone the children. First, my pastor was VERY sympathetic and concerned - not only that the right thing be done as a Christian - but that the children and I be protected. This is what we found regarding God's thoughts about divorce.<P>We know that God hates it and Jesus spoke against it, and yet divorce was ordered in the Old Testament as a protection for women whose husbands abandoned them. Since the evil of abandonment happened, then those men were to set their wives free by giving them a bill of divorce. In other words, abandonment is the evil - divorce papers provide the closure. God cared about those women's emotional and financial well-being, and He cares about ours as well. (See Matthew 19:3-9)<P>Second, my pastor asked if I wanted a divorce. I said "absolutely not, no way, never...." He explained that if the divorce happens, then, it is not my doing - even if I am the one who actually does the paper work. It is my husband who has done this evil thing, and I am only closing the book on the life he is not willing to continue living in.<P>I consulted with a second pastor as well as a trusted elder in our church, and they also would place no blame at my feet if I file for divorce - the "divorce" has already happened by what my husband has done.<P>I have agreed to give my husband his year, but then my life has to begin again - either as his wife or as his ex-wife. Without that closure one way or another, I cannot make decisions about my future which need to be made. The children also need to stop wondering if Dad's ever coming home and put those expectations aside.<P>By the way - I do plan to keep my own marriage vows - regardless. Those vows I made before God, and I feel honor-bound to keep them, even if no one but God knows. A marriage can always be re-instated, and after what we've been through this past year, I feel that should he decide to come home - now or 10 years from now - we need to stand before our family and friends again and make a public declaration of our intentions towards each other.<P>God bless you - I'll be praying for you.<P>

Thanks all...let me comment on a few things.<P>I am seeing a counselor and it is helping. I am also on anti-depressants, which help as well.<P>I agree....I don't want a divorce and have decided that I won't do it. I just can't bring myself to do that.<P>However, regarding the finances, etc. I have already figured out what I call a "fair split" plan on how our finances could be divided, etc. I talked with an attorney and she said my plan sounded like a really good one and that I could file for a legal separation if I wanted to. I'm still thinking on that one.....I just think if I do all the work to do a legal separation, that my H will come back with..."why don't we just get a divorce?" I just know he will...I do all the work and he calls the shots. Also, I e-mailed him a copy of my plan in May of this year for him to look over....he never did it.<P>My plans now are to just wait. I'm not going to file and I'm going to go on with my life. I have also decided not to do a Plan B letter, but to institute Plan B. This will be very simple in that he never contacts me anyway, except at the end of the month to tell me he's going to pay his rent check. In fact, he called just a few minutes ago while I was out to ask me to call him about that. I zipped off an e-mail saying "just let me know the amount and the check number" and I'm leaving my voice mail on so that I don't have to pick-up and talk to him.<P>I know this doesn't exactly cover me financially in case he does flake out and split (which I don't think he'll do). But since we both still have direct deposit into our joint account, I'm going to go ahead and institute my "fair-split" plan and only keep money from my check in that account that covers the common bills. The remainder of my check will be transferred into my own personal checking account, which I also just opened. I'm going to try to live off that and see how it goes. Then when the time comes for him to take any action, I'll already have been trying it out for a while.<P>Thanks and please...any more suggestions about it or about the above are more than welcome.<P>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<BR>

Mrs.O,<P>Sorry guys, but I need to "trump" everyone's advice here by telling you to go straight to the source - PRAY. But don't just stop there - listen for the answers as well. They will come. You may not get an immediate response, but God will give you a reply to your questions.<P>True you need to protect yourself, but you also need to stop focusing on things (boy how hard is that to do!). Seriously though, you need to bring things back in line with yourself. For me, establishing a new relationship with God was the answer. I start and end everyday now with a conversation with him about me, my life, my wife and my marriage. What really gives me goosebumps is seeing things I prayed for months ago, now coming true. I used to pray for peace and now it is here. I used to pray for hope and strength and both have been bestowed.<P>Last week my wife emailed me telling me she signed the divorce complaint. Two months ago I thought that day would be the end of my world - guess what? When it happened, I felt as if His love was all around me. The most important thing I prayed for from the start of when my wife left, was for Him to remove all the anger and evil thoughts that I knew would come. And He did.<P>My wife has been gone 7 months now and while she continues to search for what makes her happy, I now see how God has worked in "my" life. Why? Because I asked him for help. If you view this whole rotten experience as a time for learning, things don't seem so bad. Learning about relationships, learning about your spouse, but most important learning about yourself.<P>If there is no one in your life that you want to "move on" with, why even think about divorce right now? It is only a piece of paper anyway. Is a piece of paper going to give you closure? Can't you give yourself closure without the paper (if that is what you want). Don't give him an easy way out. My priest told me to "keep on trying for as long as you can - as long as you truly can. Don't make her leaving easy. Let her know you still love her" - In other words, Plan A. "then when you feel you can't go on, you will know, truly know, you did all you can - that is all God wants from you - to give it your all".<P>God Bless,<BR>MIke

/B][/QUOTE]<BR>mrs.o,<BR>hi please hang in there getting a divorced and a christian, is not biblical belief...i feel that being a christian you should pray if you really want your husband back....prayer changes everything... even you think it's never going to work out but it will if you have faith and believe.....remember god hates divorce.... one marriage for one marriage couple if you do divorce him you are not allow to marry again a neither will he or you will be adulter.....and will not enter the kingdom of heaven.... i could go on if you want a friend e-mail at diamondpurity@hotmail.com <P>------------------<BR>liz