<br>It's strange, My H. still lives here, we sleep in the same bed, but I feel so terribly lonely that it is probably a good thing that I don't get out and around other men much. I'd probably have an affair with the first one that showed the slightest bit of kindness. <p>My H. is usually asleep by 8:30. Not just because he has to get up early, but because we are usually in some kind of fight and he goes to bed. <p>Tonight it was because I complained of his criticism. I had written an e-mail story, and let him read it. He told me that it was good, but the Father's name was Thomas, and the son was Tommy, and that was too confusing.<p>I've never written a story before, and I just thought he'd be surprised that something I wrote in 20 minutes was pretty good. After his comment, I said, "I should have known that you'd find something wrong with it." He got really mad, and said that he only said one thing, and I commented that I didn't have any self-esteem left after being married to him. <p>Everything went bad, and it ended up with him saying that he couldn't stand another weekend with "the witch" (me) , and I told him to leave. One more "divorce weekend". This makes 4 or 5 in a row.<p>Anyway, I feel so alone and hopeless. I want to be loved, and cherished, by someone that I can respect and trust. I am so sick of him treating me badly, and then feeling sorry for himself. Everytime he admits to doing something mean to me, he starts saying what a loser he is, and that he is a piece of sh**, and that we'd be better off if he just killed himself. <p>Everything is always about him. I just want to make myself happy for once, instead of always worrying about making HIM happy, and making us a real family. Why am I the only one who wants to make us a family? <p>Sorry about all of this. I'm just having a pity party for myself. How pathetic. Anyone want to join? Or even kick me in the pants and tell me to snap out of it?<p>Bythe way, are y'all still planning to get your spouses Christmas gifts, especially those of you who have been told that they don't love you like they should?<br>

deanne,<p>In situations like we are in there is generally nowhere else to have a pity party, so why not have one here?<br>I understand the lonliness. I feel that way a lot and I try to occupy myself with other things. This evening my wife went out to buy a few gifts. While she was gone I washed the dishes and cleaned up. When she returned I figured she'd jump on the computer so I went out to the bookstore to browse, bought a book and came home around 10:30pm.<br>She was on the computer, but got off soon after I came in. She sat and talked to me for a while and told me that she'd been on her period for a few days (which I knew) and so could not be sexual.<br>She asked me if I was doing ok, to which I said yes. Then she kissed me on the lips and the forehead and said, "You'll be alright", and went to bed.<p>Regarding your husband. Every time I read a post from a woman who's husband is doing this sort of thing I always wish there was some way I could get hold of the man and tell him how he's doing something he will regret and that is easily fixable if he'd just stop and pay attention. <br>It reminds me of old wolfman movies. The wolfman would be a great guy before a full moon. Then he would turn into the wolfman and go on a killing spree. Somebody would shoot him with a silver bullet and as he lay dying he would turn into his normal self and be peaceful.<br>Why is it that someone has to shoot us, so to speak, and knock all our wind and life out of us before we see what was so obvious and simple.<br>I never did anything overtly abusive to my wife. I never belittled her, called her names, struck her, blew our money on stupid things, etc. But I did neglect her and criticise some things she liked. I guess that qualifies as abuse in a way.<br>My mind was always on how things would be different once I got to a particular place. That's one of the oldest lies there is to fall for, warned against in every self-help and religious book. Yet I was owned by it.<br>Some of the ways my wife told me she felt being married to me were so hurtful. I'm so ashamed of them that I haven't even repeated them all on this forum.<br>There have been times in years past, before this problem erupted even, that I used to feel so inadequate and like I couldn't take care of my family properly. I used to ask God what was the reason for me being here and that I almost felt as if my family might be better off if I were to die.<br>Talk about pity parties. A man knows how to throw one when he has no direction. The only way he can come out of it is to commit to do what he was made to do, be a servant to his family. <br>Trouble is that before we learn to be that servant we stand in danger of not having a family to serve. Life is something isn't it?<br>As bad as things seem for you right now I pray that somehow some light will enter in.<br>We read about one another's plights and wish we could help, often knowing we can't even help ourselves. <br>We're truly in God's hands in these situations. Most of our fear stems from not being in control even though we know what our control has done to us. Is that twisted or what?<br>I'm rambling now, but all this is to say hang in there and don't give up yet. Remember these verses. They helped me.<p>2Cor:4:8: We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair;<p>2Cor:4:9: Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed;<br>

deanne;<p>You still have a marriage. You just have problems beyond your control. Take a deep breath and ask yourself, "Have I really taken the time to read Dr Harley's concepts?" If not then PLEASE do so. Print out copies of the emotional needs questionaire. Don't give up on a love, it could be your true one. Marriage takes work (boy am i finding this out!) you have to get to the root issues which are causing your conflict.<p>Now on the writing issue: I understood what <br>you were saying. I think you express yourself in a manner that is easy to read yet explains the complexity of your situation. I think this is a natural talent that some people just have. I strongly encourage you to develop this skill. Who knows, you could have a repressed poet lauereate inside you.<p>Don't try and take this on by yourself. Get some professional help as soon as possible. You can get this kind of assistance fre of charge through your local agencies. I feel compassion for you. You have to understand this deanne, you are not alone in this world. There are many who have traveled this road you are on. There are many who are willing to reach out for you and help. Take advantage of those opportunities which are available to you.

Bruce;<p>I'd just like to grab you by your literary throat and show you how to structure a paragraph. I had to read your post three times before i caught the depth of your expressions. I was most impressed by your analogy of the "wolfman" and the way you considered a silver bullet. <p>Yet i must dispute this. You were not the monster. You were the man trapped in a cage that was not of your own making. I've always loved Braum Stoker's work on Dracula. It is such a perfect icon for the helpless victim of a predator. That most undefiled love which became violated by the corruptions of sin. Bite deeply into my neck sir. <p>Our fears do stem from not being in control. From our lives becoming twisted.

glenn,<p>Remove your hands from my neck, sir! But, yes, you're right. I'm slopy with the paragraph thing.<br>Agreed that the analogy of the wolfman is only of limited value. And at first glance I agree with you that I was in a cage not of my own making. But just because I added the bars to my cage while under the debilitating influence of selfishness and don't remember doing it I nevertheless built it myself. Ignorance doesn't absolve me though I would hope it makes me more forgivable.

Deanne, Bruce, Glenn and everyone else,<p>Here is the unloving spouse opinion again! I personally love pity parties, but I can't have one often because I am worried about my H's parties! I don't want this marriage to fall apart ( I don't think, anyway). I just don't know exactly what I do want. <p>I do know that I can fall back in love with a man who does not appear lovable to me. His actions, words and thoughts have to be pleasing to me, or I will feel farther away from him.<p>But even when he is trying so hard to please me, I still can withdraw from him if I feel too pressured into reciprocating behavior.<p>This is all so screwed up!!!!!!!<p>Christmas presents, neither one of us are very enthusiastic about Christmas presents this year. When we did our annual shopping trip in Raleigh this year, I couldn't even really see anything that I wanted. Nothing seems to rouse our spirits much anymore.<p>But gifts there must be, because of the kids and bc it is expected! So, we are definately exchanging gifts (and actually there are at least 9 of them under the tree already for me from him and the children. why does that make me feel guiltier?).<p>We are going shopping and out to dinner for my birthday next week to finish for the kids. We are both kind of looking forward to it. If we can keep from talking about our marriage, I might even be able to eat!

I am very lonely. Read my post. It is the one that says I can't take it no more and I want out of my marriage.<br> I understand you completely. It is hard when the one you love dosn't really give back as much as you do. And when you think you did a good thing (like your story), they find something wrong with it.<br> So for your pity party I will brings the chips and dip! That is if my husband doesn't object to me coming!

deanne<p>I sure do know how you feel. I've been feeling it intensely for a couple of months now. I find myself looking at other men and imagining what passion might feel like. If I had the opportunity, I just might, but thankfully I think I have enough sense to avoid those opportunities.<p>He doesn't put me down - oh he has put down the things I enjoyed and felt strongly about in the past - but right now he just isn't there if you take my meaning. I feel terribly ignored even though he's here.<p>The other night I was at a Christmas party with my husband and one of the men there told me three or four times how gorgeous I was. Can you imagine how that made me feel?! He knows - and he knows that I know - that I could have just about any man I want. But I don't want any man; I want him. Why can't I have him? Why doesn't he want me?<p>Bruce & Glenn<p>You speak of control, or the lack thereof. One of the things that bothers me the most is that I feel absolutely powerless in this situation. I have always been the one to "fix" whatever's wrong. But I can't "fix" this - and he most definitely doesn't want me to "fix" him (as if I could).<p>Great party, y'all. I think I fit right in.