<br>Well, I suspect my H. had been drinking while he was out today. When I came home, he was acting strange, like he does when I think he's been drinking. Ofcourse this made me not want to be around him, so he got mad, and started slamming cabinets.<p> He suggested that we take the Love Busters questionnaire. (I have been telling him about it, and printed it out a week ago). We both took it, and I tried to answer my questions very honestly and maturely. I am not a person who exaggerates or lies, and I have a very difficult time with his lies and exaggerations. I tried to make sure my answers were very factual, and not a "punishment" to him.<p>He had an AA meeting, so we did not discuss the questionnaires, but he told me that I could read his while he was gone. As a side note, the location of his AA meeting is not where he has been telling me it is. When I asked him why it changed, he told me that it hadn't, and then told me that it moved (from the original location) on Wednesday. He lies so much, he can't keep up with his lies, and then blames me for being investigative. He just told me on Thursday that his meeting was at the original location. <p>Anyway, I read his questionnaire. It is ridiculous and childish. (OK, I admit that I make disrespectful judgements!) He rated every Love Buster a "10" on a scale of 1 - 6, with the exception of dishonesty. He wrote that I have never been dishonest. Thank goodness that he was honest at least once.<p>He kept writing that I "become irrational and verry illiterate" (his spelling) when I have angry outbursts. I have never been accused of either thing, and I really hope that I'm not illiterate, or else I'm in more trouble that I thought! Every time the question was asked, "when did this start?" his reply was "FROM DAY ONE!". <p>I am not denying that I commit Love Busters. I do, however, feel that it is difficult to give validity to answers that are complete lies.<p>The rest of the answers on the questionnaire were not even answers to the questions asked. I don't know if he even bothered to read and comprehend the questions. <p>Will someone please tell me how I can attempt to discuss this in a mature and rational way, when I am faced with answers that don't even answer the majority of the questions?

deanne,<p>I was married to an alcoholic for 19 years. In the last 2 years of our marriage he admitted he had a serious problem, went to AA, stopped drinking and was in recovery. Those 2 years were not what I expected. I had thought that when he finally stopped drinking and got the help he needed that our lives would be different - would be better. I had been going to AlAnon for quite a long time and continued to go until after we finally split up. It helped me a great deal. But it didn't put my broken marriage back together - and neither did the cessation of his drinking.<p>If your husband is an active alcoholic - even a "sometimes active" alcoholic - his thinking and reasoning is ALTERED. If he had been out drinking yesterday as you suspected, it was one of the worst possible times to complete the Love Busters questionnaire. Your intentions may well have been good, but the timing was bound to be awful. <p>My suggestion is that first of all, you put the questionnaires away for now. His answers were not truthful - they were weapons to try to hurt you - or to upset you and make you angry. You can't win when he is drinking. You are fighting an enemy outside of yourselves - an enemy that destroys people - that destroys relationships - that crumbles the best of intentions. <p>Even after alcohol ceases to be an active problem, sometimes things get worse, as they did in my case. My husband was looking for bandaids in his life. When the alcohol was no longer there for him, he turned to sex and rekindled a sexual addiction from his past that ultimately ended our relationship and threatened our lives and the lives of our three children. Our divorce was final two weeks before our 20th anniversary. I am now remarried (with different struggles!!) <p>Perhaps the questionnaires will help at a later date, but there are no guarantees. You marriage will take BOTH of you - being honest, working hard, seeking ways to love instead of ways to hurt. Your husband cannot continue to lie to you and expect you to trust him. And without trust, what relationship is there to build on? It is hard to understand what is really under all the lying and hurt - but perhaps a good counselor could help him personally, and your marriage collectively.<p>Don't enable your husband to continue the behaviors that are destructive, but encourage him to pursue and fine tune those behaviors that will help him and help your marriage. The bottom line is that your LOVE for each other has got to be given room to blossom and not continually be squashed by either or both of you. I would challenge you to put the focus back on you and feed what you want to grow - either your bitterness or your love. They both want the whole garden.<p>We are all in the midst of struggles and challenges or we probably wouldn't be in this forum!! But we ALL need to remember, especially at this holy season, that we have ALL missed the mark - and in spite of ourselves, God loves us without condition. Remember His Gift to you and your family - the gift of His Son - and the ability to be forgiven and begin again. A gift without measure.<p>My prayer is that you and your husband will find some workable answers to your particular struggles and that the hurting will end and the building will begin. God bless you.<p>--Cath<br>