I think I have a self destruct button that I keep pressing! (sound familiar?)<P>When I collected my little boy from his daddy's today, he started telling me about Daddy's friend who daddy had bought some flowers for etc..... <P>I was enraged, ok if he's going to see other women fine....but I don't want him introducing women into my 4 yr olds life at this stage in the separation...it's not on!!<P>So what did I do? I phoned him and asked him what was going on, he denied it of course and said as his father he wouldn't do that!!!<P>But why would my little one say that unprompted?? I'm feeling so churned up. all the work I've been doing for my plan A seems wrecked in one phone call. How do others control their feelings???? Help before I press that button again!!!!<P>nep<BR>

Nep,<BR>Unfortunetly, there isn't much you can do. I went through the same thing with my x when she was living with the om. I fought with her and tried everything I could to prevent my kids from being exposed to him.<P>You know what, it did no good. I did go about crazy telling her whay I thought this was wrong. But all I got was justifications and excuses and the old "kids are resilient" and I am being judgemental.<P>After counseling, I was finally able to let go. As long as the kids weren't being endangered, I was finally able to accept it somewhat. They pointed out to me that kids do know right from wrong and they will eventually understand this is wrong.<P>Others here have successfully obtained restraint orders keeping the op from their kids. BUt this are usually over turned.<P>I am now struggling because my x wants me to sometimes just drop the kids off with om till she can get there. I have a real problem with that.<P>Bob

Thanks Bob<P>I don't want to stop my H from seeing his son, they love each other dearly. It's just it's only been 3 months and my son is really confused, he doesn't need any more confusion. I've had the 'kids are resilient' thing too... it really naffs me off!!!<P>I would feel exactly the same in your position, there's no way I'd drop my son off with any OW...... Parent fine...but you don't have to accept the OM for your children...that's really expecting too much!!<P>My problem is that I don't know if he's being honest or not....he said I thought you knew me better than that! I said yes, so did I, but then so many strange things have <BR>happened lately, I don't know what to believe!!<P>If he has to see someone else that's his decision, but I can't accept his exposing our son to someone else.......but why can't he see that?? He is his father after all?<P>Do you think he maybe is telling the truth, or do you think I'm being naive??<P>nep

In my x's case, I think it was her attempt to find acceptance of her decision to leave me. She was going to take om to her mother's home to pick up our son who was staying there for a week about 2-3 weeks after she started living with the guy. She couldn't understand why I got upset and her father was angry. Her mother was just confused.<P>My kids picked up pretty quick who this guy was. My x first tried to say om was a room mate but in counseling, my s(9 yo) said om was her boyfriend and that they would probably get married. This was within a month or two.<P>Is your H lying? I don't know, but would bet on it given this is the WS way. My x still lies to me and we've been divorced for 9 months.<P>You may want to operate consider the worst case scenario, you get divorced and h marries ow. Now she is the step parent. Don't you want your s to have a good relationship with this woman? As hard as it may be to say, yes you do. Don't you?<P>This is a very difficult thing to accept, but it will save your sanity. I think you did right to express your concerns, and maybe it will sink in, but you can only hope.<P>My then w had promised that om wouldn't be around one night, but I found out later that he came home early. My s told me the next night and I went and confronted her after work. Well I almost ended up being arrested as I was quite loud and it is a plublic place. So pick your spots if you get angry.<P>Hang in and God Bless,<P>Bob

nep,<P>I have to agree with Bob here. It will actually do more harm than good to be constantly trying to control what happens when you are not with your child. It sucks big time, but this is today's society.<P>Actually the best approach is to provide him with as much stability with you, and keep trying to undo the confusion as much as possible.<P>Not by maligning your X, but by telling/teaching your child your beliefs, and then continuing to support those beliefs with your actions. Use I words, tell him that you still love your x, so he won't have to choose, or feel responsible in any way.<P>I have decided right from the start that if this is the way STBX wants to live, I will accept her, but she can't tell me what to do when I have the kids. She tries, but I stand my ground.<P>so basically, it deteriorates to each of you providing the best atmosphere/home life you believe in, and after that, the kids gets to choose.<P>So make your home the one the kid wants to choose, and begin educating him NOW, about stuff he needs to know, age appropriate.<P>Honesty,<BR>Follow words with actions,<BR>Talk about feelings.<BR>Understand feelings.<BR>Make your house a safe house to communicate,<BR>etc.<P>then you have done as a parent everything you believe in. The kids will know in the future who was better, the question will be if they are strong enough to avoid the easy way out? and that you have to provide a good character for them.<P>

Thanks to both of you, I know in my heart you are right, but I find it so difficult to accept. I am still so raw and to be honest...jealous, and it's the jealousy that eats me away.<P>Over the weekend we talked some more (my H & I) and he actually asked my s about what he'd told mummy, my s said he hadn't told the truth.<P>I think that was pressure to put on a 4 yr old, but it was like my H was trying to prove something to me!<P>I still don't know what to believe, and whatever the truth is I'm not going to find it easy to cope with. It took us 9 years to have our son after lots of tests/treatment and he is very special. I think it is very selfish of my x to have done this.<P>I am honest with my s, he knows I still love daddy and he knows mummy is sad sometimes and why. I have always tried to treat him with adult respect and for me that means being honest,respecting his feelings and emotions.<P>I have just bought us a little house so that we can have some stability, (we've been living at relatives since the split)....I know it's the right thing to do, but I'm dreading being 'alone'. Even though I'll have my s most of the time it's just not the sme is it? Sorry for rambling on...I've had a rough weekend and not feeling too good.<P>Thank you<P>nep

Sorry you are having such a rough weekend, I do know the feeling. During the week it seems like it isn't as bad, with work and such. It's not like I have nothing to do on weekends, just dont want to do anything. <BR> <BR>I also think you are right being honest with your son. He will grow up to know right from wrong. <P>I also understand the jealousy thing as well, even though it isn't another person, it is his job. For me, it makes me feel like I am "second best" or just "not good enough". I am just trying to keep the faith and although not knowing what is going to happen is very difficult for me, I know that I have to just learn to deal with my feelings and emotions. I know that no matter what happens I will survive. I guess that's the best way to look at things. <BR>

nep,<P>is your son SO special to you that you have been concentrating on being a super mom, and have let the wife part of your responsibilities dwindle to the point that your H has felt three's a crowd?<P>just a observation from lots of similiar situations here at MB, as well as personal experience.<P>tom<BR>

nep,<BR>I agree with you in being honest with your son. You need to be careful not to turn to your son as your primary emotional support. That would provide additional pressure on your son.<P>It will get better. I had the same feelings. I was tired having to deal with kids all week and then when the weekend came and they went to their mother's I would be beside myself and not really have anything to do.<P>I gradually started up on my hobbies, found new ones and went out and made new friends. You can do the same.<P>Hang in and God Bless<P>Bob

blindsided - thanks...sorry you know how I feel, I wouldn't want anyone to feel this way...<P>Tom - you may well be right about the 'supermom' thing, I know I've always tried to be everything to everyone. I'm the sort that thinks they can fix everyone....but he's never told me if that is the problem..in fact he hasn't told me a lot of anything!<P>Bob - You were right the other day...he was lying, the OW was the one he's been communicating on the net with for the last three months, the flowers my son menitoned were a dozen red roses that the OW had sent him from USA (we're in UK)..<BR>What has really made me cross is that my H told my S not to tell mummy as it was a secret....!!!!! Imagine putting that pressure on a four year old...how could I be so blind and stupid??? I have been so trusting for so long and I feel such a fool!!! <BR>I wouldn't mind but he is twice this girl's age and she would have been 6 yrs old when we got together...what gives anyone the right to treat people like they do??? None of us at MB deserve the way we've been treated do we?<P>I am very lucky that I have a good support network of family and friends and will do my best to ensure that my S does not get burdened emotionally by me. It is so hard to do the right thing, I never thought I would end up in this situation (who does?) but the sad thing is I know we could work it out if only he would make the effort.<P>What I can't tolerate is all the lies, I am so honest it's painful and I can't bare to be lied to by anyone about anything, especially the only person I've ever truly loved....<P>When does it stop hurting?????<P>nep