hi,<br>I would like some feed back. My wife of three years visited her mother for Thanksgiving 550 miles away. She called me that Suinday and informed me that she is not and will not ever come back to are home. She took the children with her. I have three kids. Two step-daughters and a son. I traveled to see them this week and was able to bring my son home with me for the week. While up visiting I was able to only see my daughters once due to the fact that they had the flu and their father was resuming visitation with them. My marriage has always been rocky. It seems to me that I have always been the one tring to keep it together. Last year my wife had two short affairs and since then while we have tried to reconcile my resentment and anger have steadily driven us apart. She started to chat and have her guy friends from the internet call her at our house when I was at work. Before she left I intercepted several e-mails from her online-lover where they were both confessing their love for each other. While I do not believe anything physical will come from it, it still drives a knife through my heart. Her secretive behavior during our mairrage as increasingly made my tendiencies to control and question stronger then ever. When I found out about the affairs I made a terribly mistake and struck her in anger. She now tells me that she no longer feels safe in her home and that she feels controled in everything she does that I belittle her and do not respect her feelings nor her judgement. I still love her very much and I miss my children. She has told me that I need to prove myself to her with no garantees of reconcilation. She has hinted that she would like my to move up to that area to be closer to the kids. She has also asked me for my help faniacial to obtain an apartment for her and the kids. I want her and my family back. I admit that I have made several large mistakes in our life together and I want to make amdends but my feelings of rejection, adbandoment, and betrayal are stopping me from giving to her freely. My family thinks I am nuts to even want her back. They think that she will just string me along until she has her feet under her and then move on. Should I help her with money? Should I move in the hopes of reconciling my marriage and family? Should I just back off and give her time and space? Should I commit myself to proving to her that I am the man for her? I love my wife very much I am scared to face her rejection once again. What are you suggestions.

Todd,<p>Well I would like share my views on your situation. You mentioned that you still love your wife very much, and would love for her to come back to you with the kids. I personally feel that you should'nt give up on a marriage to quick. You should communicate with your wife that you love her and want to work things out. You mentioned that your marriage has been rocky from the beginning. It may be a good time to look back on your marriage and really take a close look at whats been causing the problems between you and your wife. The only way to restore a broken marriage is to determine what has destroyed it.It may take counceling for the both of you, in order to get to the root of the problems. It not counceling than its going to take some real honesty between you and your wife. If you are willing to make nessesary changes that would help restore your marriage, than that would be a healthy step. I personally feel that you should give your wife some space for a period of time, let her know how you feel. She needs to show you at some point that she is willing to come back and give your marriage another chance. Since she isnt making it very clear about weather or not she will even come back, it would be safe to stay where you are, keep in touch will your children as much as possible and communicate with your wife about working things out. I would provide for your children, but I wouldnt let your wife take, take,take from you unless she is willing to give some love and hope back. Also she need to be willing to look at the things that she can do to help build that trust and hope back into your marriage. It shouldnt all be put on your shoulders to fix the marriage. Both of you need to work on areas that have caused problems.It can be done. Marriages can be restored,and grow strong and healthy in time. Hang in there!!!<p>[This message has been edited by violet1 (edited 12-13-98).]

todd,<p>well, here goes my opinions:<p>wife of 3 years and had two affairs - my first response to this is she has not tried very hard to make this work. Obviously, we don't know the full details, so there may be underlying reasons, BUT, I am not an advocate of affairs. It just isn't my place to judge. 3 years isn't a very long time to give a relationship a chance to work, so i question her comittment to this relationship.<p>I agree with Violet, counseling sounds necessary for both of you; your controlling nature will continue to be harmful, but I could understand how you would become distrustful, after the affairs. <p>I believe all good relationships need to be grounded in mutual trust & honesty, so you both need to work on that. Is she willing to seek counseling ? If you are committed to you love for her, then you should pursue trying to make thiangs work. Don't be afraid to pull out all the stops; this is your supposed lifelong relationship & your childrens' lifes that we're talking about here. <p>Is you daughters father providing any finacial support ? even though she walked out on you, they are your family, so i feel that you are somewhat obligated to provide for them. Obviously, this is a sticky issue.<p>Does your wife say things just so that she will get monetary support, or is she really willing to try to get this marriage back on track ?<p>I feel for you. there is a lot of work needed to be done here, but again, BOTH need to be pushing in the same direction.<p>You need to discuss her & your intentions for the future & then make a plan to attack the problems jointly, from there.<p>Good Luck ! Nick<br>

Thanks for your input. I have tried in the last few weeks to be there for her and I have talked to her about every day. I tell her that I love and miss her and the children very much. I have given her this web page in hopes that she would read it. I took my son home with me this past week and we had a great time. But during the times my heart ached knowing that my wife and step-daughters were not there. I have sent her flowers twice, e-mailed her four times, send two letters and a card in the mail telling her that I love her and that I respect her decision and her need for space but I personally have a problem giving her that space. I feel that we should work together to solve our problems but she feels that she needs to do this on her own. Which as I said I respect but I don't agree with. She has rented an apartment and is in the process of moving in. I am going up there next week for x-mas and hopefully to see her. But I sense that she is using me. She wants what I can provide but she also wants her freedom. She told me that she wouldn't give me a verbal committment not to see other people during this. I said I felt that we were still man and wife and that we should conentrate on us until we resolve this one way or the other. Time and space to think is one thing but dating other man is another. I strongly believe in my vows and in marriage. Why do people think that happiness is always what you don't have? I would really love to have my family together and whole but the only chance I have to do that is to step back and let them go while at the same time keeping the lines of communication open. Which means that I must open myself to a daily dose of heartache and pain. The more time I give her the less I want it. It is ironic isn't it what she needs is the total oppisite of what I need. I'm in a no-win sitution and I don't see the way out of it. Your opinions would be appreciated. <br>