Had a call from the ex (still married but the paperwork is in process.) last night. Was concerned because I have a deep distrust of her contacting me for any reason.<P>Anyhow she wanted to know if we could get together to "talk". My heart screamd yes and my common sense said not a chance in the world. I asked her why she wanted to talk and she replied that she had been thinking it over and wasn't sure she really wanted a divorce.<P>I asked her if she understood that things would have to change radically before I would even consider trying to rescue our marriage. Her tone of voice changed instantly at the question.<P>I screwed up my courage and told her she would have to seek help with her anger and selfcentered attitude BEFORE I was willing to consider getting back together. Dead silence on the other end of the phone.<P>After a few moments she asked me why everyone is telling her she needs help. When I asked who everyone is she said her brothers, kids, and mother have all been telling her to seek counceling. Also told me they were all wrong and she was right because she didn't need counceling.<P>Sigh, this conversation was going no where fast. I ended the conversation by telling her no. I wasn't the least bit interested in getting together until she is ready, willing and yes eager to do something (counceling) about the problems.<P>As I said it was the end of the phone call as she slammed the phonr down while calling me a few of her pet names. (Cursing)<P>Now I'm setting here wondering if I'm doing the right thing. I still love this woman deeply and want to help her so very much. When I see her acting out in this way part of me is horrified and yet there is a part of me that wants to reach out to her.<P>I can't help but remember some words of wisdom from long ago. Just because we are doing the necessary thing, dosen't mean we are doing the right thing.<P>My problem is that there doesn't appear to be a "right" thing.

Country Guy,<P>I guess, technically, you did the right thing, but I must say that you sound like a stronger person than me, I probably would have caved in and blubbered.<P>I don't know what others will say, but with your response and that of others, it may start to sink in to her that she may have a slight problem. She probably got pissed because you didn't give in and told her what she didn't want to hear.<P>Maybe, the next time you speak, you could mention that you would be willing to go to a counselor (for the marriage, not for her, as far as she knows) with her once or twice and see what happens, but that you aren't making any promises. My thought here is that a professional should be able to pick out her anger problem, but might not in the first session depending on how well she disguises it. Not only will hearing it from a pro have more impact, but he/she will be able to counter any objections that she will have as to why the problem isn't with her.<P>Whatever you feel right now, and however long it takes to speak with her again, it is obviously very positive that she called for this reason.<P>Good luck to you!

CG, <P>Hold the course, my man, because you ARE doing the right thing. Your W does need help, and my prayer is that hearing it on all sides will convince her to seek it out. Meanwhile, I know EXACTLY what you mean about longing for someone and wanting so much to reach out to her. But CG, your common sense will tell you she needs this. The wise council you have surrounded yourself with will tell you. You ARE doing the right thing, for you AND FOR HER. <P>{{{{{{{{{{{Country Guy}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>My thoughts and prayers are with you today.<P>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Stay your course!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<P>That was a very strong thing for you to do - we all know how difficult it must have been to be tough. But sometimes love "must" be tough. If she does need help and everyone is telling her that, hearing the same from you may bring her one step closer to that counselors office.<P>God's strength.<BR>Mike

as Karenna says, read her story,<P>PTL<P>Practice Tough Love. <P>That is what I am doing also.<P>And I would say the same thing to my STBX, whose therapist said she has a communication problem, and an anger problem. Do you think she is still going to solve it? <P><B> NOT! </B><P>Hang tough buddy, you did a great job. But I know it feels contradictory. That means you did the right thing.<P>and the support from everyone else, also goes to show you are acting along the right path.<P>tom<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by WhenIfindthetime (edited October 26, 2000).]

Country Guy, <P>Yes, you are doing the right thing. You would not be able to save this marriage unless she gets the help she needs. If you were to go back now, you would end up losing ANY love you may still have left, and any hopes of your marriage working would go out the window. <BR>You have left the door open to her. It is up to her to take the first step in. <P>------------------<BR>Susan

Hi CG,<P>I think you know what my opinion is. You have to do what is right for you. I think what you are doing is necessary, AND right.<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again

CG,<P>Let me ask you a question. If you remained in the marriage and she continued along her path, who would have benefited? You, your W, God, anyone? <P>I can't speak for God, but I suspect that God just wants people to behave in a compassinate manner particularly where children are concerned. <P>You won't benefit or even benefit her.<P>She won't benefit or even benefit you.<P>CG, these are you decisions, but your W is not in a position to be married to anyone. She has deep problems and by any measure she is lucky she is not in jail. She is also just lucky that she has not seriously physically injured someone.<P>I know you love the woman that you married, but it doesn't sound to me that you are married to that woman any longer. <P>It is a sad thing, but it is a thing that you cannot fix. She will have to seek help from the medical, psych fields and most importantly from God. You have done what you can do over the years and it has only made things worse.<P>So I hope that you can reach a conclusion you are satisfied with, even if you are not happy with it.<P>God Bless,<P>JL