Well it looks to me to be time to go in my relationship, when:<BR>A. I am willing to go to counseling, but my spouse is too afraid, or self centered to go.<P>B. My spouse sees herself as a victim, that I have done her wrong in the past and will in her eyes do so in the future. Really she thinks that the reason she is the way she is, is my doing. She say's partly so, and that her way of dealing with it is to label me the bad guy, using such colorful descriptors, as I'm a control freak, and that any time she does open up I use it against her. Why is it then that I am the one willing to go to counseling, to work on improving myself. To be a better person.<P>C. Does not see her role of responsibility, in this relationship. Says things like, ##it happens, and Oh, o.k. I'll take the blame its my fault, without any sincerity or willingness to meet any of my needs.<P>D. I am just absolutely tired of trying Plan A. Several months and what do I get, DOORMAT TREATMENT. Really, why should my spouse change she has gotten used to me doing all the work, while she does her own thing.<P>E. In a conversation this morning I told her that the counselor I saw said some things, that referred to issues my wife had in the past. That unless she dealt with them she would always have trouble with trusting people. Especially in relationships. I know a lot of people will say I'm using that against her, but even my wife's own parents told her to go to a counselor, since she is so depressed. My wife said she loved me just not in love with me and never would be and indeed, she did not trust me, that it was'nt anything I am doing right now, but in our past. Wife said, she could not love someone she did'nt trust. O.k I buy that, and I told her it sucks that she wants to run away when things aren't going right. Does she plan on using this new found technique in the future? <BR>Yeah, I know I LB'd some today, but God as my witness, I'm trying the best I can. I'm sick of knowing that I deserve a happy spouse, is that too much to ask? Well the divorce papers are filed, she has to respond by next month. I know what I want, someone who will try, or someone who will get the heck out of my life so I can move on and possibly find someone who respects the vow of holy matrimony, who knows that trying times don't mean we stop trying. Someone that loves themselves and their spouse.

I could have been writing that. It was like hearing my story but from the opposite side.<P>All the things you are saying about your W are exactly what I say about my H...<P>I feel for you, because I really know how you feel....<P>But you have to try and remember that it is about her and not you, I'm trying to learn this, you've done what you can. You're only human..start thinking about your needs....<P>Good luck...<P>nep

Skyhigh,<BR>Sounds familiar... what is this I love you but I am not IN love with you stuff they say? This I do not understand. When I loved my husband, I was in love with him. And now that I have done (as you have) all I could to meet his needs with mine unmet, my love for him is gone. I neither love him, nor am I in love with him. I went through plan A for about 6 months before his physical affair and then returned for more -- about a year of more plan A.<P>I guess it is about time for me to reread and try plan B. hmmmmmmmm INSPIRATION.<P>I think this seems to be a weakness in plan A. No expectations of the spouse. But ask those for whom it has worked instead of someone like me.<P>I am glad you are going to counseling. Have you learned anything that will help YOU in YOUR next relationship? Please share.

Nep and Nora P thanks for the replies!<P>Nora I understand, Plan A leaves you open to abuse, also it does not work with some people, you have to Plan B, and to be honest, if the other person is not really living in reality, or they really never took the vows they made seriously to the core, well Plan B may not work either. I know this and expect my Plan B to go bust too. I must therefore move on if that is the case.<P> I am going to counseling, mostly for myself. To see that there are things I do wrong and to fix them. As far as the counselor tells me, I have some things to work on, but that they are minor and correctable since I have the knowledge that they are things I want to change. That is the key, wanting to change and better youself. <BR> The wife called the counselor, but got the secretary, and they did'nt have any appts. till mid November. I'm going to call the counselor tomorrow and see if she can call my wife and work out some time to see her. The wife did make the first step to call her and that shows, she does want to look at this, whether for closure, or introspective into herself, I have no idea. Frankly, either would be a relief. <BR>God willing I'll get thru this hell I'm in. If only to make me stronger, and to know what to look for and give the next relationship. I don't honestly expect that to be in my picture for a long time, we'll see.

O.k. everyone I'm going to vent here since I have another couple of reasons to be mad at my spouse.<BR>We placed our house on the market to sell about three weeks ago. My wife has been living here, while I have been away training for a new job. I'm home a couple days, gone a week or two, home for a 3 week stint and so on. I started a job at an aviation company I really like, one that let me commute as part of the contract. So that was the idea, I'd commute. Well now the job my spouse has, is not to her liking anymore. She wants to go back to school get her graduate degree, maybe her PhD and teach. The problem lies in with the fact she wants to go to the west coast to do this. I'm working in the D.C. area. So that's way out. That seems to be her new adage, I'll keep running away to make myself happy, I won't look inside I'll just keep looking for external things to fill the void in my life. Yes, so maybe her job of 6 months stinks. Not, I'll put up with this job so my husband can get on his feet in his new career, and then I'll see if we can move somewhere new together.<BR>Issue # 2 for this vent. Since I'm gone in training, she is the only one here to keep the house up. She says she wants it to sell so we can move on. While I'm away she lets the house go to ruin. The realtor has brought people over to look and the place has been in real disarray. She has a longhair black cat and we have light carpet, so unless you vacuum 2-3 times a week the floors look awful. On top of the fact, my wife is a slob. She uses the excuse that work for her is a hour commute each way. So she has no energy to clean. What about the fact that she wants the place to sell? So I got home Saturday, for a 3 day stay, and guess what I get to do, thats right, clean since I want outa here. I don't have a problem helping keep the place up, and on my breaks from work I have repainted trim, cut the hedges back, and cleaned the outside of the house, reseeded the yard, etc. I just would ask her to do the same, to keep the place presentable for prospective buyers.<P>Vent Issue # 3<BR>The bills, I have been paying them for the last year. I asked her that while I was away for training, could she please take care of the accounting. She said yes. Well that fell thru, while I'm home guess who's doing the bills, so we don't get the cable, water, phone, etc. turned off. It was almost comical, she opened the bills up and placed them all next to the computer, like here honey take care of this for me. Not to mention they are all due in like 2-4 days. This is a recurring theme for her.<P>Really like I wrote before Plan A may make some people just absolute users. My W seems to have turned into one. I cannot stand it. I'm calling the attorney today, to see about moving my stuff out, cutting off the credit cards, and just splitting all bills down the middle until this place sells. Also going to ask what my options are as far as getting w out of this house since she obviously is not keeping the house up so it could sell.