Another long day!! I am starting to really hate weekends. <P>I need some advice though. My H has stated that he is wanting to leave. I asked him to reconsider, have started counseling (for myself) and asked him to go also. H states that he wants to go to his own counselor and then decide if he wants to work this out or not. It's been two weeks (I know not a long time for most of the people in here). H has still not made an appointment or a decision as to whether or not he wants to work this out. I am afraid to make an ultimatum because I know what his decision would be if I did so. H has still not even made an appointment, I am going crazy with not knowing. What do I do? I can't really leave because of family obligations here at home. Give him a time frame for making up his mind? Just be patient? I am really starting to lose it. The crying is a little less, but now I am starting to become angry and frustrated. I dont want to throw this away, but I cannot be in limbo for the next ???? amount of time. It is affecting every part of my life. I am barely eating (dropped around 15-20 lbs probably in the last two weeks), sometimes sleeping, always crying, cant concentrate on anything but this, and work is a joke right now. <BR>My family (uncle who knows what is going on and lives with us) says that H is being cruel and that this is unfair. Right now I kind of feel like it is some type of atonement for all of the things that I have done. I am beating myself up, but I also think that I should be. H is not, he is being very civil and even nice. Just says he doesn't know and that he will decide when he makes an appointment. <BR>***Also me making the appointment for him is not an option as that is half of the problem now in that I just took over every aspect of his life..***<BR>Any advice appreciated... <BR>arm6868@yahoo.com

blindsided123,<P>I'm searching for the words here that would help you the most, but I can't find them. Your situation sounds a little different than mine, but based on what I went through (and still am going through) I can offer the following:<P>1. Do not ask your H any question or engage in conversation unless you are completely prepared for the possible answers.----I asked a few questions that I feel propelled my wife to move out faster. Whether this just sped up the inevitable, I'll never know. Looking back, I wished I had kept my mouth shut.<BR>2. Any counseling is good. Going together is optimal, but if he's willing to go on his own, be thankful. You can always play on his emotions and sense of responsibility. If he is still being nice to you and he cares about you, tell him that counseling is very important to you and it's something you really need for him to do FOR YOU. ---My wife had agreed to counseling under those terms, then I messed it up. (another regret)<BR>3. Crying is healthy and is a method of healing. What you are describing with crying, weight loss, lack of concentration at work, etc.. are all signs of clinical depression as I have gone through the exact same things. Upon seeing me for less than 5 minutes, my doctor prescribed a very low dose (10mg) of Paxil to help level off my mood swings and constant crying. I don't know that anti-depressants are for everyone, but sometimes even the best of us need some help. You may want to consider a trip to your primary doctor just for a consultation.<P>Hang in there and keep posting. You will get a lot of support from some very wonderful people out here.<BR>

Don't hesitate, don't wait, right now start praying for patience. You have an opportunity to start off in the right direction to fix your marriage, or you can cause any hope of "reconciliation" to be thrown off track (maybe not permanently but most likely it will add weeks/months/years to the process).<P>I think, as many others here would agree, that looking back if I only had the strength and resolve to be patient, my situation today would be much different. Instead I added even more pressure to a situation that was already brimming over the edge with stress. I lost control of my emotions, put demands on my wife, and lost all confidence in myself in the process.<P>If I knew then what I know now, the first thing I would have asked God for would not be for my wife to "turn around" and come back - it would have been for patience. For with the patience I could have taken a step back to really see the situation I was in. To stop and think about what my wife was thinking and feeling.<P>I know you have this instant urgency and feeling that if you don't do something right now you will lose everything. That is not true - really!!! No divorce or separation happens over a period of days or even weeks. Keep calm and know that you have all the time you need. Don't be rash. Give it some time. Tell your husband you love him but give him and yourself time.<P>So many people told me this and I ignored them. I don't fault myself, looking back I could see how emotional I was. Unfortunately I did not come to this website at that time, as I am sure someone back then would have written something similar to me.<P>Be patient and take your time. You won't hurt anything by giving it some time.

blindside,<BR>Don't give him a time frame or ultimatium unless you want him leave. He will see this as controlling.<P>You must find out what faults of yours he sees and then use the time to correct them so that he wants to stay. You mentioned that he felt you were in every aspect of his life. It sounds like you need to back off and give him space to realize what he may be missing out on.<P>This is what Plan A is all about, working on yourself, not the spouse. Pray for being able to change yourself, not for your h to change.<P>If you can no longer take it and your love bank is running out that is when you ask H to leave.<P>Hang in and God Bless,<P>Bob

Thanks everyone for reaffirming what I really knew. I just got back from the counselors office. Not sure that I really feel any better, but I am working on it. She told me today that I had high anxiety (NO KIDDING) and I needed to figure out a way to deal with that (NO KIDDING). Anyway, she did help me to realize that I was almost "stalking" my H trying to be the good wife, partner, etc and that I should probably back off. <BR>Anyway, on to todays story... H made an appointment today to see my counselor tomorrow. I've been telling myself for two weeks this is what I wanted (for him to go and come to some sort of decision since that's what he says he is waiting on to make a decision-long sentence... sorry guys.) but now I am scared to death. The next few days are going to be really rough. Plus I leave for Chicago on business tomorrow. I thought not knowing was hard, now I have to deal with "what if he decides to leave". Geez, why can't this be simple. I hate my life being so out of control. I hate the way I feel. I hate being so lonely and depressed. Please guys pray for me and this relationship. I am terrified of what response I am going to get when I come home (Hopefully Thursday unless I manage to screw up this project also.). I am being patient and I am going to start backing off. Counselor said I should get out and go somewhere with friends or something. I just dont feel like it. All I want to do is sit here and feel sorry for myself. (Yes, I know it isn't healthy). <BR>Funny, though, I am not as anxious as I was, just scared now. Really don't want a decision, just want more time. Lots more time! Just want H to see that I can change and he can trust that this is a permanent change. Also afraid that if I dont get the chance I will end up being bitter about the whole situation and just go back to the way I was... Who knows?? Nothing makes any sense right now.

I know how hard this is for you right now, but you have to let go a little. It's very hard to do, because you feel if you don't fix this immediately, all is lost. I've noticed that since I backed off and completely ceased initating contact with my STBX, she has spent more time communicating with me. Of course it priamrily concerns our son & the divorce (ok that's all it concerns), but I've noticed she lingers during conversations, and it's now me who ends the talks and visits early.<P>Show a little independence and indifference. You'll be amazed how much more attractive you are to him if he's not completely sure how you feel.<P>Get out & do some things you like to do, by yourself. It's hard to do, but learning that you can live without him if he leaves you will really help ease the pain you are feeling right now. Believe me, I know.<P><P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again

Thanks cOOker. Your advice is always great! Right now I am so depressed that it is very difficult to go out and do anything. So far just work. But, I am considering going out this Friday night if he isn't going to be home. He is scheduled to be off again next weekend and I am really hoping for some "time", but I guess that all depends on what his decision will be or even if he has made one. Geeeeeeez, I am hoping and praying that it is the one I want to hear. Otherwise you guys will be looking at a basket case.... (Like I am not already).

I'm hoping and praying too that you get the decision you want, but please please try to hold on if it isn't what you want to hear....<P>I didn't hear what I wanted after two months of hoping and I can honestly say I'm 'on the edge'....I like you have lost loads and currently taking Prozac to fight off the blues...<P>Get some medical help...just to get you through this. Depression is a physical illness and you have to take care of yourself.<P>I can relate to your not wanting to socialise, I went to a party last week and stayed for 1 hour, it was all too much...<P>I recently bought myself a new bicycle however and when I feel particularly low, I get on my bike and do a few miles to work off my feelings...exercise is really good...<P>Take care..you're in my thoughts<P>hugs<P>nep

Boy can I relate! We have all been where you are at. Take comfort that no matter what "he" decides, things will get better no matter what his decision is. But you really need to focus on "you" right now. It sounds like the last thing you need to do, but it is true. You are not being selfish, you just need to get yourself back to an even-keel so you can start working on your relationship.<P>What about going to the movies by yourself if you don't want to be around anyone right now? (And make sure it is a comedy! ). Bottom line is you NEED to get yourself moving - do things, different things. Try your best at getting your mind off of things at least for now.<P>And know that you do have all our prayers!!!!!!!!<P>God Bless,<BR>Mike

Latest update is on another post.... To mad to feel sorry for myself right now... I'm sure I will be on another roller coaster tomorrow.