Hello everyone I am in need of some advice again , my husband of thirteen years has had an affair and i have tried to put it in the past ,<BR>i went to counceling for 8 months to find out that all though he killed something inside of me , i am told to continue to love this man ,a man who has neglected me in everway ,a man who tells me I am everything to him and continues to have relationships with other women, a man that i know will hurt me again, I loved him and trusted him with all my heart with ever fiber of my being and i will always love him , but I CAN'T love him anymore because it hurts too much. <P>He doesn't uderstand what i feel and thinks that i am going to magically change my heart <BR>he now says i am the one who is breaking up our family , because I can't see us being togeather as husband and wife (because of the broken trust) i want to divorce and go on with my life and someday have to right kinda love from a man who can love me the way I need to be loved. He says I am only thinking of myself now , but who was he thinking of when he has these other affairs? <P>I want to remain freinds and do the nearly impossible for the childrens sake , I want to be able to do things as a family and put the past behind us (because the kids don't deserve it) he says he wants that too that there is no reason why we can't remain friends. He said that until he came to realize what he was about to lose and that he will never have me back , now he is back to being his selfish ,immature, disrespectful, minipulative self that I new would come back. Why does he think he deserves my love still, what do i have to say or do to make him uderstand that its over and we need to be apart for both of our sakes?<P> I would have loved him forever, if only he would have loved me back.<P>IMBC<BR>

Wow! I think you and I are married to the same man! We were married 13 years too, etc. etc. Extremely very similar situation here.<P>God, I know exactly how you feel. The funny thing is, for me, I still want him and still want to be married to him. I (magic wand) wish that he would want me, but the fact is he does not. The fact is, at every possible opportunity he hurts me and acts selfishly and cruelly. You are so right saying that that kind of behavior kills your love. <P>To be honest with you, I think he's looking to duck responsibility for his actions, avoid looking at himself, and place the blame on someone else. Namely you. But I must also tell you that I would encourage you to keep on trying. Does your H know about or understand the ENs and LBs? Is he willing to talk to you at all? It sounds to me like he conceivably does not want you to leave. Maybe if you could talk to him about just ONE EN (pick a big one) and he would be willing to meet that one EN, then you could start some progress. <P>Another thing that you need to do, and it is going to be hard, is let go of resentment. Don't get me wrong--you have every right and reason to be resentful!!! But one thing I have learned is that if I hold grudges and keep the resentment, it starts to eat me up inside. So, once again, I suggest one thing. Write down a list of what is hurting you so much right now. The lies. The betrayal. The self-righteous attitude. The lack of remorse. The selfishness. The blame. All of it. Write it down, and then decide which ones you are willing to let go. For example, I picked the lies. I felt so unimaginably stupid and naive that I didn't see it sooner, and so unbelievably shocked that he could look me in the eye and lie to me, while I trusted him. But I let it go, because it was the past. No matter how many times he would apologize, he would still never be able to fix it. HOWEVER, I did let him know that I was extremely shaky in the trust department and from this day forward would need reassurance and need to be able to "check up on him" a little. Unfortunately my H was a jerk about it--but that's another story, huh?<P>So, give it a try, IMBC. It is so hard to open up your heart one more time, I know. But saving a family and a marriage and your love would be worth one more try, wouldn't it? If it works out, look what you have gained. And if it doesn't, you will know where you stand and how to proceed. <P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{I Must Be Crazy}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>I must be crazy with you.<P>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

I must be crazy too! (Thank goodness someone was willing to answer my post on the "conflict" forum and tell me what I needed to hear).<BR>It does kill something inside when they don't think of their partner before they engage in these behaviors.<BR>Thankfully, we have others with which to speak here.<BR>Bless you! You are special! Don't forget that! <BR>

Bellevue here. Imustbecrazy, We are also married 13 years. Just after 12th anniversary was D-day. We're in counseling. H tells me and counselor "I'm afraid she's going to do something to hurt our child"!!! Yeah, like have him leave so he can indulge in his crush on this OW. <P>You do get to a point where trust is gone, where you doubt every thing they say, where you look for hidden meanings, signs, and when that trust is gone, the whole foundation of the marriage is eroded.<P>SOrry, ((((((((Imustbecrazy)))))))))<BR>(I think cyberhugs help.)<BR><P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess

I've been married for 17 yrs since I was 19. I loved my H from the day I met him. We have had a difficult life together, being married so young, no money ect but we always made it through the hard times together. 18 mos ago my H started changing. He was having a affair. I went through many months of hell but I forgave and supported him. He too told me he loved me blah, blah blah. Then in July he met OW2 and I had enough. We are now almost divorced. We have maintained a good friendship and I feel H really regrets all that he has done but doesn't know how to fix it. I know exactly what you mean about wanting to move on. A person can only take to much hurt before you lose who you are. I knew I needed to leave before that happened to me. I still love him and miss him terribly but I feel that he has developed a pattern and I don't see him changing. I need someone who is happy with me and only me.<P>Do not feel bad about your decision and don't let him make you feel guilty, he is the one who should be feeling guilty. Let him live with what he has done to everyone.<P>JIll