Ok, I think I am pissed off now. Not really sure what emotion this is. I was just looking through the mail and found a loan that H took out. Now I know where all the money came from for "paying off all the bills". Guess he really has been playing mind games with me. Lied about where all the money came from, etc. Guess he is just doing this so that he wont feel so guilty about leaving. Damn, not really sure how to handle this one. Do I confront him with it or just let him deal with it and act like I have no idea. I feel so cheap. I feel like the past two weeks have been such a farce on his part. Why??? Tell me please??? Why would he lie to me about this. The bills are my responsibility as well. Tell me?? Am I crazy for thinking that the last two weeks have just been a joke and I have gone crazy with hope when there is none? Please advice needed on how to handle this? Confront him, or wait and see if he does tell me sometime after tomorrow when he goes to make his big "decision" (if there was ever even any doubt?_ HELP!!!!

ummmm,<P>I think you need to see a lawyer. Getting a loan on his own to pay off the bills seems a little suspicious to me. You need to make sure you protect yourself.<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again

Actually right now there is nothing to protect as far as for me to lose. The loan is in his name only. The house is my parents (they are holding the mortgage and we have no rental agreement or anything so it's mine.). As for the bills he is paying off, they are the ones in my name. I feel like he did this so that he would feel less guilty. I wish I knew when he did it though, might give me a little more perspective. Also right now I am going nuts trying to figure out if there is an OW since he claims to have been working every night, but when I checked the account there have been no extra deposits except for the loan... Humm.... call it a clue maybe. Ok, so now I know that I am pissed off, hurt, and not really sure how to deal with this. If I knew his reasons for taking the loan out it would be easier. Then again, he is seeing the counselor tomorrow so maybe I should just pretend I dont know and wait it out to see what/if he says anything?? Part of me wants to track him down tonight (he is supposed to be working extra again) and see if he is. Geez, I am so ****ed up I dont know what to do. I mean do I complain about his actions, possibly meant to make things easier for me or what????? This has put up a HUGE trust barrier for me. I have no idea what to believe right now and if he is telling me the truth about anything. What a setback. I really believed this week that there was a chance, and that he was being open and honest with me. Now I have no idea. Guess the upside to all of this is that the love I feel for him has just been knocked down a notch or two and I KNOW that I will be ok without someone who will lie to me and not love me. I am so mixed up I have no idea what I think. Mind and Heart pulling in two different directions...

OK, OK, breathe..........deep breathe......<P>Bottom line is you don't know what his reasoning is. How did you come across the loan papers? Was the mail addressed to him? There is nothing you can do right now, so just give it a little time. If you have to vent, do it here - do it to your parents - or better yet, write him a letter then TEAR IT UP. You will be amazed at how much writing gets things off your chest.<P>Just don't confront him with this in your state of mind. You are pissed and angry and you need to cool down. Maybe talk it over with the counselor. You never know, he may be doing this to help you somehow and if you angrily confront him it may do more damage then harm.

The only thing I can say with total honesty is...go with your instincts....if you have a gut feeling that there is an OW then there may well be one....<P>I don't know what his intentions were with the loan, but appeasing his guilt sounds like a fair bet..<P>At the end of the day, a relationship can only be saved if both people want that..I think it is the lies that hurt so much and the fact that you have put your trust in someone and had it betrayed...<P>Do whatever it is that your 'gut' tells you, it's usually right...good luck,,<P>hugs<P>nep

OK, well I just had a "casual" conversation with him and told him that the mail had come in, etc etc... Mentioned that it looked like there was a coupon book or something.... Asked him if he had taken one out... Quote "No, I didnt take out a loan or anything". I didn't confront him on that FACT that I KNEW he had... Just said "O OK" and let it go. I am just about to the point where I KNOW that it is over. I am hurt, angry and confused. Even more so now. At least I am fighting back now though. I want this marriage to work, but only with honesty and trust. I am not sure that I can get and have either one. Right now I feel like I just want to milk this for all it's worth. Let him work like crazy, let him take out loans in his name. Let him pay off the bills and make it easier for me if he leaves. I cannot believe I am so angry. Funny though, I sure dont feel to darned depressed right now. Just anger and hurt.

<B> DON'T SAY OR DECIDED OR DO ANYTHING RIGHT NOW! </B><P>under stress is not any time to make a decision or do something.<P>Just suppose he was trying to be nice, and surprise you, or something, there are always the unexplained reasons, which you haven't considered, so go slow on the responses, until you have had time to THINK!<P>Don't get imaginationitis.<P>That is the worst possible disease for a marriage, in these situations,<P>just slow down, and don't respond.<P>tom<BR>

Just really stressed out... Anger feels SO GOOD RIGHT NOW!!! I am sick and tired of being hurt and afraid and crying. I am no longer afraid. I am just hurt and angry. I just talked to him again. Amazing, all the sniffles are gone. No I didn't say anything to him about it. Just acted normal... We will see what tonight brings when he comes home. I am still going to act normal and under control. I can lose it tomorrow when I am in Chicago.... SOOOOO I will probably be on some more this evening, but tomorrow will tell the story and my REAL state of mind.

I've been told several times that anger is a great stage to be in and although my stints with anger since all of this began have been few and far between, I would have to agree. When I did allow the anger to come, I felt great. I wasn't wallowing in self pity, I wasn't crying, I wasn't praying, I wasn't thinking what else I could try to save my marriage, I was just pissed and it felt good.<P>Take your time and try to get your mind off things during your business trip. And do come to us to vent. Be sure to pick your battles wisely when it comes to your H and try not to jump to conclusions too quickly. <P>For whatever her motives, I would have been happy if my W took out a loan to pay off her debts that are in my name. Geez, what a relief that would have been.

Thanks Jayhawk- I feel good for the first time in over two weeks. I feel like the weight of the world is off of me right now. I do know that I will probably be depressed again, but I dont think it will feel like it used to. I now feel like I have a reason to lose this. Not just "nothing". I do still believe in the institution of marriage and if he comes clean with me, I will most likely give him another chance. What bothers me most though, is that I wonder if I can ever trust him again. And if that is impossible then what??? would I have for a marriage. Do I love him. As much as life itself. Like I said, right now I am looking at all of the positives about the loan... Just pissed about the lies. Gosh, I just realized that I haven't cried all day (yet). Wow, thats a record so far!!! I am still very anxious but at least I am that with my head held high instead of moping around. Dang, I feel like dancing!!! Well... maybe not dancing, but now I feel like I am back in control. Not H. It is now partially my decision as well. I sure hope he stays long enough to pay off more bills.... <BR>Ok, so now I have just thought about what I wrote. Guess getting all this out is rather confusing. I do want my marriage to work. I do love my husband. I am willing to do whatever it takes. I am willing to go to some joint counseling, but if he isn't willing to open up and try, what else can I do, but move on. I have been trying so hard to make this work and make changes in myself (that I intend on continuing.) I hope that he can realize that I am a good woman and a good wife before it is too late. I guess I just see light at the end of the tunnel now. I have been praying and contemplating life in general and asking for signs. Maybe this was the sign that I was given today... Who knows?

blindsided123,<P>OK, one of the few times Jayhawk and I disagree - I think anger is a dangerous emotion to have - Especially if you still want the marriage to work out. Sure it feels good, but doesn't everything that is "bad" for us? Isn't true that the reason sin is so prevailent in humans is because it "feels" good? <P>But besides religious beliefs, think about it - you are mad because he is lying and holding things back. Isn't that just what you did with the loan? Was the loan addressed to you? But you did open it right? And you lied to him when you casually confronted him about the loan, right? Just because he is lying and holding back, why should you? Two wrongs don't make a right.<P>BELIEVE ME, I know the hurt and pain you are going through - I know it personally. And while I still do get angry here and there (I am human), the times that I resist the anger are the times I am most proud about. If you want to save your marriage - truly save it, you have to resist the anger. It will only cause long lasting damage. The good feelings you get from the anger are only temporary. But guess what, just like with anything that gives you only temporary good feelings, it gets addictive. Drugs and alcohol are only temporary fixes, and look how addictive they are. Why? Because to keep getting the "good feelings" you need to do it (get angry) more and more. Soon you are walking around angry all day long. The anger will eat you up inside.<P>Take a stroll through some of the posts here on the site and read how many of these friends are now trying to rid themselves of the anger and forgive. And how hard it is to do.<P>Don't get me wrong, anger is a knee-jerk reaction to pain and sadness. I get mad, we all get mad. It is how you deal with it that matters. But I feel confident in saying that if you do let the anger take control, be honest with yourself in knowing that the odds of saving your marriage will go way down...<P>Mike

Blindsided,<P>Please don't do anything you will regret later. Anger is a natural emotion. It is what we do with the anger that matters. Please take the advise of someone that has let anger rule their life.You say you will do anything to work your marriage out, then please always think and pray before you respond to your husband. You cannot control him. You can only push him futher away with unleshed anger. Please for the sake of your marriage let God take care of things. I have been where you are at and I am not judging you I just care about your pain and your marriage. I know that sounds strange coming from a stranger but that is how God is working in my life. I care for people I haven't even meet. God wants us to live in peace. Believe me I have cause enough hell in my time. I pray you will turn to God for his will.<BR>Gentle<p>[This message has been edited by gentle (edited October 31, 2000).]

Ouch... Gentle and SoTired... You guys have a point... particularly about me lying about opening it.... Thanks for being so honest. I needed that. I am a little calmer about it. As for opening the mail... We have always opened each others mail... (Unless it it is a card or something like that). Never been a big deal. He swears that it is his sons loan (I am going to have to believe him for now.). There is still some anger there and I'm not sure who it is aimed at.... Me or him??? In one sense I do feel much better today, just knowing that yesterday I did make a decision that I would be "ok" if this all didn't work out. I still want it to work out and I do still intend on trying. As far as the trust, I am still not sure. There are other things that I know he has lied about to me regarding this whole situation, so I'm not sure. Trust will only come with time and IF he makes a commitment to make this work out. His counseling session is today at 2 o'clock and I have no idea what he is going to say or what the end "answer" will be. I am on pins and needles to get some kind of answer. I pray that it is not one that I dont want to hear, but I do know that God will give me the strength to deal with anything. Hopefully soon I will have some peace of mind. This up/down rollercoaster isn't me and I dont like it....