So how many of you all get this one. Your spouse feels that you have wronged them, i.e. not met their needs, pushed them away because of illness, gone separate paths for too long. While you are doing all in your power to better things, counseling, Plan A etc. your spouse keeps deniing, that they are a part of the problem. Or they say, yes they forgive you, but you can feel the resentment. That the anger towards you is still there. That they feel it's perfectly o.k. to act selfish and abuse your Plan A. Finding no realization that you have changed, and are strong enough to look inside yourself for the answers to your own shortcomings and improve yourself. <P>How many of you have been doing this for months? With your spouse treating you with contempt, and hanging the bag as I call it on you? It's sad, my wife does not even know why she holds a grudge anymore. She just finds fault in the little things now, like calling me a control freak, and a untrustworthy individual. I find it interesting that she is the only one who sees this. It's as if she fears getting close to me again, because it's easier to live with no emotion vs. risking getting hurt in love. She knows and admits I have changed, but she is weak when it comes to looking at herself in the mirror. I am very saddened by that fact, but really I must leave her. She is too scared to look at her own closet of problems. I have told her in the most sensitive and caring way that I'd be there for her if she chose to get some counseling. I probably screwed it when I told her some of the things that the counselor told me about her. That makes her feel like we are ganging up on her. Yeah, I know LB on my part, well I'm not perfect. I tried to graciously prompt her to go herself. She probably will not go now that she feels inferior, it's as if she knows she is screwed up, but cannot deal with responsibility for her own actions. Denial, it's a ugly place. I see it in my spouse every day. So it's time to sign the papers and move forward.<P> Aww heck, I am so damned tired of this crap, it's not living, it's existing, and I want to love, to be loved, to know there is someone special in my heart, and that same feeling is returned. <BR> My career has just taken a great turn in the direction I always wanted, one my spouse even supported. Alas we will not be able to enjoy the fruits of my labor together. That's sad. <P> In a sense I feel cheated, like hey I signed up for life, my analogy for my vows is: I climbed a mountain pointed my sword into the sky and drove it into the topmost pinnacle rock swearing my undying love for the chosen one of my life. In front of God and everyone. Now I have to climb back up there and pull the sword from the stone, it's the hardest thing for me to do in my life. I hate it. I reserve the emotion hate for things like cancer, and pure evil. There is not much worse an event, not much on this earth is as bad.

Skyhigh,<P>I deal with these same issues everyday. What I have come to believe is exactly what you have written: "my wife is afraid to trust again". Even our counselor told me that she does "still love me, but the anger will not go away". Why? Because if she begins to forgive me and release me from her unhappiness, she will have no other choice then to confront the "demons within". Demons I have known about since I met her all those years ago.<P>Add to that the lack of trust. If your situation is anything like mine, my mistakes did not just appear overnight. They were there for a long time, chiseling away her love and trust for me, one day at a time. I look at trust as something that is earned, it is never given. Now I believe that just as it took so long for her to lose her trust in me, it will take just as long for her to regain that trust. Is it possible that she will never trust me again enough to open her heart to me? Yes. But what I am doing now will not be in vain. I am learning things about myself and growing in ways I never imagined - for that I am almost thankful for this time. No, make that I AM thankful for this period of my life. Never before have I grown in so many ways - this time all good.<P>I feel stronger everyday inacting the changes I began the day she came to me about our problems (1 1/2 years ago). My self-confidence has returned - I am able to take responsibility for my downfalls in the marriage and I am trying to learn from them. I am sure that everything she sees in me, she views as fake. But how long can she hold that belief? Especially if I am going forward and not returning to the man I used to be?<P>If she keeps running away, one day my love for her will change from one of a man loving his wife, to one of a friend for a friend. At that time I will know that it is time to move on. Until then I will keep loving her, without expecting anything in return - to me it is at least good practice for how I will love someone new next time, if she never returns.<P>God Bless,<BR>Mike

So Tired, <BR> what about us, about our needs? You are right loss of trust is the hardest thing to get back. That it goes away slow and comes back even slower, if ever for some. What about the fact that our spouses see us as guilty. That we are the only ones on trial here? My counselor told me if your w never realizes her responsibility, and the effects of her actions. Then there is no future. It takes strength to look within, to fix your own weaknesses, to face the demons.<BR> You and I are alike in the issue of our spouses having past history demons. I don't know what yours are but my s was abused, leading to problems with trust. I don't think my w will ever wake up from the fog, she will just keep running, quit when it gets hard, and run some more.<BR>I'd really like to be there for her to wake up, and get help, but yesterday the counselor had a cancellation for this evening, I passed it on to the wife, and she said she could not make it. More like didn't want to make it. I didn't LB just said, o.k. just passing the information along. So where I am is what you were talking about. I love my wife, but I am so burned and angry, that I am ready to go nuclear, to move my furniture out and sign the papers. It pains me too much to live like this. I won't be mean to her, I'll just explain that reality has to set in. That I'll split the mortgage till the house sells, and I'd like her to move out. That selling a empty house will be easier. I hate this but I am starting to see I am an enabler. I give her positive reinforcement, almost as if awarding her cruel behavior. She came home last night, acted nice to me. It's as if she knows when to throw a few crumbs to keep me thinking this may work. Not a chance, not like this. It's time for a hard core Plan B. I'm going to tell her that I'm outa here, that I'm going to move up east for my job, that I'll be doing that full time and then some. That if she ever figures out that I am the guy for her to give me a call. That I have to do this for me. That I love her, will always love her. That I'd continue to meet her needs, if she could try, key word TRY, to meet mine. Otherwise I bid her adieu. <BR>So Tired you can be proud of the growth and learning that you have done. That is something you can hold on to. That is what I hold onto when times get rough. I hate to admit it but I have found that keeping angry, not only keeps me warm at night, it is allowing me to focus on the Plan B.<BR>Good luck and remember, set your boundaries in Plan A don't become a Doormat, because no woman can love a man she doesn't respect. I'm not saying that you have done that, I only know because I deal with someone who has become used to taking advantage of my good will. <BR>God Bless<BR>Skyhigh

Skyhigh,<P>Similar "demons" with my wife - abuse, both physical (sexual) and mental abuse. And no she does not seem to be taking any responsibility for her actions, both present and past. I can totally understand your frustration and your decision to end the pain.<P>And I am proud of my growth. I know that this has benefitted me in a lot of ways - some that I may not even realize right now. I still pray for her everyday - not to come back, but rather for her to begin to "heal" herself. I don't want her to come back if she is still "wounded" because chances are we would be back in the same situation down the road. But, if she did/does come back, I can honestly say that I would be willing to work on our marriage (as long as it was a combined effort).<P>So many here talk about their spouses being "in a fog". I think it is true. Her behavior is irradict, my conversations with her are strange and her actions don't fit her personality at all. She is running as far and as fast as she can. I only pray that someday soon she stops to look back to see what she is leaving behind.<P>Stay strong and good luck.<BR>God's Peace to you....