I'm having a dilemma. My husband and I have been married for about 6 yrs. The problem is that I am no longer in love with him. While I care about him, and want him to be happy, I feel he would be better off finding someone who could really love him.When we were first together I thought I was in love with him. I think part of my problem was that I was in a bad relationship before I met my husband. I was glad to just to have someone pretty normal that wanted me. I guess I married the first person who asked me because I was afraid no one else would want me. <br>Anyway, after we got married, I would come home to be with him. The problem was that 3 or 4 nights a week he would go out with the guys to a bar after work, and never let me know. After a while, it got so I figured that if it was after 8pm, he was out with the guys. Later, we bought an old house to restore, figuring it would be a hobby for us together. It turned out to be more my hobby, as I would come home and work on the house while he would either go out, or come home and fall asleep on the sofa in front of the TV. Needless to say, this diminished my motivation considerably. I have to say that he did quit going out after work so much after he changed jobs. However, throughout most of the time we've been together, he still comes home and sits in front of the TV all night, while I do other things. As a result, I've felt most of the time that I might as well be living alone. It's rare that we even eat dinner together, usually he takes his in front of TV, while I eat in the kitchen. After years of this, however, I adjusted to this, and I really no longer care if he's there or not. He's basically a good person , and very likable, I just don't love him anymore. I tried to suggest counseling a couple of times, the first time he was willing to go, and was completely stunned that I was that unhappy with him. The second time, he said he was completely happy, and I should go since I was the screwed up one. I guess I should also mention that we rarely have sex anymore, and that's my fault. I don't want him touching me when I don't have any desire for him anymore.<br>I feel like I stay with him now mostly out of guilt, because I don't want to hurt him. On the other hand, I think all the time about how much I want out. I feel he would be better off to find someone who could truly love him instead of someone who is there out of guilt. I don't know how to make myself love him again, and I feel to emotionally distant to even want to try.<p>

What I find interesting about your post is the language you use to describe your relationship with your husband, that is, "I love him but I am not in love with him". This <br>can be translated to mean I want to move on to some other stud(number 3) to take care of my needs. From your description of marriage the dynamics of your relationship is suffering because he pays more attention to the television set than to you. As a result of this you are withholding intimacy and sex from him. In your introduction you indicate pretty strongly that you may have made a mistake in marrying him. Has it ever occurred to you that your husband may feel that you are not exactly devoted to him by your behaviour. Maybe going out with the boys and watching a lot of television is his way of trying not to confront the feeling that you don't really care for him. Maybe your husband is right when he says that you need to get counselling for yourself. The question as to why you would want to leave a normal likable man like your husband is making you feel guilty. Remember you chose as your first husband a man who abused you. Could it be that you miss being with a man that abuses you.

Druid,<p>If you've done any extensive reading of the posts on this forum you know that your dilemma is fairly common. Though I have not neglected my wife to the extent that you describe with your husband I did neglect her enough for her to grow emotionally distant from me. Now I am fighting to correct my error.<br>It still baffles me how a man (or woman) can spend so much time in their own world and think their mate will just be glad to be with them by inertia. As I've said before it all comes down to selfishness. I did not intentionally neglect my wife. But when I think back on it I was attaching more importance to having things the way I viewed them than I was to making any accomodations to how she felt and to how she was growing and changing. That was a big mistake. On her part the mistake was keeping every resentment inside herself as well as making false assumptions about why I did some of the things I did. Our unspoken misconsceptions became fuel for a fire that was eventually to cause the pot to come to a boil.<br>The thing that strikes me in all this is that this crumbling of false perceptions about marriage on the part of both spouses, though painful, is necessary if ammended perceptions are to be built for the continuance of a stronger and more intimate relationship. But it is a very humbling experience and we, especially men, tend to fight being humbled.<br>Though it is obvious your husband needs to be humbled in order to awaken to the fact that he has neglected you there will also be humbling needed on your part. At this point who knows what it will take to awaken him. Generally the prospect the other spouse leaving provides the needed spark. But all this varies in intensity from one couple to another.<br>Don't give up on him yet. You describe him as a good man. Don't bank so much on feelings of love. They are not the basis for anything, and never will be no matter who you are with in your life. If your husband can be made to see his errors, however that may come about, you can love him again. This whole business of feeling love is one of the things that needs to crumble in the initial concepts of what married life should be like. When both spouses realize how faulty their original views of marriage were, and resolve to build a view of marriage more in line with reality, they can have a love stronger than what they ever imagined.<br>That is what I am presently working and hoping for. Don't cut the cord yet. Not until you know you've done all you can do to save your relationship. The resurrection that is possible is worth suffering the deadness you presently feel. take care.

Bruce is absolutely right ... although I would reword one part of what he said:<br> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Don't bank so much on feelings of love. They are not the basis for anything, and never will be no matter who you are with in your life.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><br>I disagree with this ... it is the feelings of "infatuation" that you should not bank on. These are the feelings of courtship and the early "honeymoon" phase. And, while they will wane as you "settle" into your marriage, even they can be rekindled to some extent if both of you try.<p>There are a lot of books that have been mentioned on this and the infidelity forums which are excellent resources for helping in your situation. Use the forum search function and look for the words "book" and "recommend" and you will be able to view posts in which many books have been recommended.<p>Please don't give up on him ... he probably loves you very much and will be devastated if you just give up - I know I am!<p>terri (yeah, vacation report later ...)

Druid (and Max),<p>Have been married for 12 years (and this is my 1st one). I know that I love my H, but I really am not in love with him anymore. (And, no, Max, I am not looking for another stud to abuse me. Forgive me if your supercilious attitude has made me angry, but you really ticked me off. If your defintion of a normal, likable man is really what you say, then I do not want one.)<p>But, Druid, in order to make things better, you will have to communicate. Therapy for yourself may be helpful, but joint counseling would be even better, I think. Marriages are made of pairs, and so should our attempts at reconciliation.<p>Good luck. Stress of holidays can make things worse, so try to keep your tension turned off so that you do not subconsciously make arguing easier.<p>Maria

Thank you for the input. I will say that this is my first marriage, the bad relationship I was in before was simply a dating relationship. However, I will admit to having had some commitment issues in the past, perhaps that's part of my problem. I would agree also that alot of the responsibilty for the problem is mine. I should have pushed for counseling sooner, I guess. Probably back when he was going out with the guys all the time. He also did this alot before we got married. I was stupid enought to think that it would be different once he wasn't a bachelor anymore.<br>I suppose alot of the problems stem from the fact that I didn't speak up enough.<br> When I did say something to him, however, his usual response was something alone the lines of " that's how I was before". He also would apologise, and say he wouldn't do these things again, but then the next night he would be out again.<br> We also seem to spend alot of time arguing about petty things. In alot of ways, I feel like I've lost respect for him, and anything now would be too little, too late. <br> I do believe that if I told him I wanted out out the relationship, he would be very hurt. That's part of why I stay, is the fact that it would be very difficult for me to do that to him. I guess I'm also afraid that there won't be anything better out there if I did leave.<br>Do you really think there's any hope for me to feel better about this?

I understand how you feel. Your post is alot like mine. Check out my post called I can't it anymore and want out of my marriage. My husband like yours, doesn't spend time with me. I have been the one to do all in this marraige and in many other things such as our house. For 10 years I gave and gave and and not gotten mucg back. And I feel I was emotionally abused as well. Now I am drained and I am thinking of leaving. I aslo don't want sex now. Mostly because of the hurt, but partialy because of a serious weight problem he has that he won't try to fix and that causes him to be lazy and not care to shower.<br> A marraige is two people parts. Two people. It is up to the two people to work on it together. When one of then negelcts to do their part, the other one gets hurts bad.<br> Many people have told me what I need to do. The problem with that is it was always what "I" need to do. Not what my husband needs to do. I thought I would get married and be married for life. My husband seemed fine when I first met him. Soon he changed and I went through such bad times that I thought of suicide. I never thought that my husband would be the man he has been all these years or I would not of married in the first place.<br> I belive people can change, but how long do we who suffer have to take this pain? I am Christain and the Bible says that we are to do for others. It also says don't do to the point of negelecting yourself. I have forgiven my husband, kept giving over 100%, and tried to help him change, but the change really never happens. So does this mean I am to just keep forgiving, and keep doing and giving? I don't think so.<br> I can't tell you what to do. You must decide that. If there would have been a way to get my husband on the right track, I would have done. But I tried everything I could and nothing worked. You can't fix a man that doesn't see the problem and that doesn't think he needs fixed. If you have tried everything and you still feel it is not going to work, then you must decide what to do. And don't let guilt sink into you. That is part of why I never left my husband yet. I thought of the guilt I would feel for hurting him. Now I know that this guilt is not near as bad and the hurt he gave me. <br> Good luck in what ever you do.

Thank you all for the input. You've given me alot to think about. It does seem like there's alot of people out there dealing with similar problems. Jamie and Maria, I did and read your posts. I can empathize with you. Bruce, you seem very wise and I wish you luck with your own troubles. <br> I've been struggling with this for a long time now, also have asked friends for their opinions, etc. We had a discussion about things last night. He said he had always believed that marriage would just be happily ever after and that you didn't have to work at it-it would take care of itself. He can tell that my feelings for him have changed over time, and said he's willing to change things. I guess I'm somewhat skeptical.<br> I don't know what to do, though. I'm afraid it's too little, too late. Emotionally, I feel like I'm already out the door. I don't know if it's possible for me to love him again. I've lost alot of respect for him, and I don't know how to repair that. I don't know if it's possible to love someone when you feel that way. I feel that the only thing holding me here is that I made a commitment, and I would be a failure if I left. I feel trapped by my own guilt over being so unhappy. I told him we could try to work it out, and that it would be difficult. I said I couldn't make any promises. I know I've seen MB saying it's possible, but I'm not sure.<br>I'm considering whether a separation would help me. Maybe some time alone would help me appreciate him more, and I'd be willing to give him a chance.Does this ever really work?

Druid, I don't know if separation ever really helps ... I'm forced into one right now, in reality but not legally.<p>Many men - or should I say many people so as not to be accused of sexism - believe that once you're in love and get married you're not supposed to have to work on your marriage - that if it was meant to be it will be great. Obviously, that's incorrect. But I wouldn't be so quick to disbelieve that he intends to change - he made the above admission for the first time to you, didn't he? That he didn't think marriage was supposed to be work? And that he was willing to work at it?<p>If you are not both in counseling, joint counseling is probably a good idea. See if you can find someone who has read the MB materials and agrees with them or some of the other excellent therapy techniques described in relationship books. "Solution Oriented Brief Therapy" may be what you both need, since you are so close to being at the end of your rope.<p>Good luck - I hope things work out for both of you!<p>terri

Druid, I enjoyed reading your post and the responses. I have been married for 6 years and feel I give and do more then my husband. I have tried on my part by not eating at the table and eating with him in front of the t.v. I get into WWF(world wrestling federation, which is quite sick I think) hockey, the history & learning channel, which really opens up for general discussion and communication. I don't really like to sit and watch t.v.but that is the only REAL time I can get, so I take it. So, I would suggest for one thing, go eat by the t.v. with him to open things up with you two. It really doesn't sound like you are finished with your marriage, otherwise you wouldn't have guilt. There IS HOPE and there are things you can do, which is important because I think we all need to do our best in our situations so whatever the outcome is, we can know we did it all.How about a walk after dinner, maybe holding hands, sit next to him on the couch, court all over again, soften your heart. I thought after I got married my husband was not the man I hoped him to be, and like everyone else here, I hope that he will change, he may not, but I can. It just sounds like you and your husband need to do some actions to get involved and start the fire again. I would love to be married to a nice man...mine is so black and white, controlling and has that old term, male chavanism. He thinks and acts MARINE CORP, even tho he has been out for several years now. And always a good thing, go within and pray/meditate in your way asking for guidance and wisdom to do what YOU need to do. There is always HOPE, it's the choices we make that makes the difference in our attitude and belief towards hope. God, I haven't had sex with my husband in 4 years (his choice)and gets it from other women. Talk about with holding!!!<br>You have such great possibilities for your relationship. Just take it slow in the touching dept. But I would be willing to bet, if you made some changes, your feelings would follow and you can find this nice gentle man exciting again! Best to you Druid!<br>BB JADE