Well we discussed the trip at our session. I have given the Policy of Joint Agreement alot of thought. If this were a healthy relationship then I think it can and does work for people. In a relationship with problems I don't think it can. I could be wrong but I don't think so. I took what all of you had said and we came to an agreement.<p>I am going on the trip. One, because my dad has already purchased the tickets. Two, because I really want to go. Three, because he acknowledges that I have given up trips with my family several times because of him. I agreed that after the trip we will sit down with my dad and explain that trips that separate the two of us are not going to be accepted from now on. For the most part we are both somewhat happy with this agreement but not completely.<p>I don't think he would ever agree with anything that I want to do. He is a hermit and I am very social. I don't expect him to come with me because I know he doesn't like to go but how can he expect me to stay home. It doesn't mean that I don't love him. When they say opposites attract they were right. <p>We did accomplish some good things in the session though. We got out alot of the feelings that each of us were hiding to avoid conflict. He actually acknowledged that I have feelings and that I should be allowed to feel them. I felt very good about the session. The last few days since have been really good too. I hope it is the beginning of something good. <p>Steph

Steph<p>Good for you! Was this your first session? I can't imagine; ours was mostly intake and history. I hope our second session goes as well as this one seems to have gone for you. <br>He asked me today... "When's our next meeting with that guy?" Thursday. Not soon enough for me...<p>Have a great time on your trip. Someday I might just take my husband up on his numerous offers to get me passes and send me off wherever I want to go with whomever I want to go with. But I wonder if that offer was to mask what he was really doing on all those trips he took...<p>Hope all continues to improve for you.

Just wanted to say that I am so happy for both of you. Getting some help you need. I am glad Steph that you are going on your trip. I think you deserve it. Sounds like a decent compromise to me to make this the last. <br>Pateint, I'm glad you have another session scheduled. I think therapy is so helpful. Good luck.

Steph,<br>I am glad that you are able to go on the trip without creating too much of a problem. The Joint Agreement policy will work, even in marriages with problems. As long as both people agree to it. If your husband could not compromise on this, and you said "OK, I won't go". He would feel supported. <br>However, we don't have to go there. It sounds as if your joint sessions will be working out ok. I am only now discovering why my wife CANT go to joint sessions. Her individual sessions are painfully slow because she is very slow to open up. A joint session would put more pressure on her to talk about things she doesn't want to. I still can't wait for the day when she will tell me "I'm ready".<br>Good luck and enjoy your trip.

Steph, <p>I am so glad that things are looking better at your house. Things have been some better here, too, although I can't honestly say that I have had any resurgence of love for my H either. I hope with time that it will return -- that is, if he will give it some time and not keep pushing for ultimatums.<p>I, too, have some problems with the POJA. It seems that each one of us wants the other to do the compromising and agreeing, so that we can attend to our own needs. I just do not see how I can agree to things that he wants if my agreement makes me so unhappy, and the same can be said for him.<p>Matter of fact, that was what our fight was about tonight. How can we each work on the other's needs while meeting our own (or having our own met)? It is still a mystery to me. <p>I.e. I honestly would make love if I wanted to; sometimes he says that I just don't want to "share my precious body", but I feel strongly that I shouldn't be forced into sex, if I don't have the desire. So I am not meeting his strong need for sex, but he is not willing to make love if I am not fully "participatory". So I feel that I can't even "do it just for him", because that ticks him off even worse that I am giving him pity sex (in his mind).<p>So how can we both enthusiastically agree on this topic?<p>What are some ways that the "unloved" spouse can control their anger? My H gets so angry that he says the most hurtful things he can to me, admitting later that he is merely trying to hurt my feelings as badly as I hurt his when I told him that I was not in love with him anymore. But his anger is a major love-buster (and has been for years but I tried to repress it). Any suggestions?<p>Steph, keep up the good feelings. I can not wait to start therapy in January. Maybe we can have some "productive fights"!